arms are up...

I have blogged before the passage from Exodus 17:8-13 before here. A dear friend shared this passage with me probably a year and a half ago. Today, I was reminded of this passage and how the Lord really puts dear friends and loved ones, or words of encouragement in our paths when we can't raise our own arms up. I was feeling very gloomy this morning. I won't go into detail about all the gloom, but it was a very teary morning.

Then, within 5 minutes of each other, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile and an email. The text said that this person had been thinking of me a lot, and said that though she didn't have wise words that hadn't already been heard, to encourage me to lean on the One who created all things and call upon His comfort. She encouraged me that there were many praying for me. Then, I got my daily email of a Bible verse and quote. The quote said:

"We discovered that faith is not expecting that the Lord will miraculously give us whatever we ask, or feeling that we will not be killed and that everything will turn out as we want. We learned that faith is putting ourselves in [God’s] hands, whatever happens, good or bad. [God] will help us somehow.”

- Felipe and Mary Barreda from, Common Prayer - A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals"

I was singing this afternoon the song "Please Be My Strength" by Gungor (listen to it here). As I have said before, if I make it through this time, it is a testament not to my strength, but to the strength of God. I was so thankful for the Lord providing people to hold my arms up high today when I felt like all my strength was gone. Thank you Lord, for my "Aarons" and "Hurs" Amen. 

(...tee hee... that's a funny name... Hur...).

your peace is the melody...

I finally feel like maybe I can post and talk about this now.

The last few weeks, my back has been hurting a lot again. My physical therapist suggested it was just scar tissue, but due to our life changes that are supposed to be happening this summer, we decided to call the surgeon again just to get it checked on. So we scheduled a new MRI and put me on a steroid. Bad news came back... my disc reherniated, and I need to repeat the surgery to get any relief.

I did NOT want to talk about it with almost anyone but a select few for quite awhile. I was so angry and frustrated. I am STILL angry and frustrated. This really messes with the fact that we are supposed to move this summer to wherever Bryson may be appointed. I will lose insurance. But I am also out of sick days and school, and they take a LOT of money when one runs out of sick days. So, trying to juggle insurance ending for me, moving, not missing too much school and everything else with this season of change has been overwhelming.

Much of my journey through all my back pain has been documented by various music and songs. I go back and listen to some of the music that encouraged me at the start of this crooked, winding, bumpy road and it still encourages me. Yet, none of those songs really captured how broken I felt. How abandoned by God I felt. None of these songs were giving me God's peace or the knowledge that God will strengthen me through all of this. I didn't feel like any of these songs that once made me feel God's presence through the pain.

I stumbled across a band called All Sons & Daughters when we visited a church called Jacob's Well on a Sunday night. This song, A Reason to Sing, captured the brokenness I felt in the first verse:

When the pieces seem to shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that seems to matter

Is I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in your hands...

This. This captured the way my heart felt. BUT. This is not the end. The song has good news.

Will there be a victory?

Will you sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

Will you sing it over me now?

God's peace sang a melody over me that morning. Things are still icky. I am still frustrated and trying to just get through each of the 49 days till surgery one at a time, slowly. And there are time where I still cry my eyes out about it. But I trust God's melody to sing to me each and every morning, not matter what happens. I know, that WHEN I get through this, and WHEN I am healed, it will truly be a testimony to the STRENGTH God gives his children and the PEACE and instills in their lives.

Check out All Sons & Daughters playing their song here: Reason to Sing