a heart post

This evening, I was given a lovely note from a family member about how she was comforted by my faith through this time of pain. This made me sit back and think a little bit. Often, I post about the things that are in my head. "I know that God is walking with me" "I know that God is providing the strength." I have to admit, though, that this is often what my head says. I grew up in a church that practiced a lot of head knowledge about the Bible and Christianity (not to say that the heart wasn't there also.) So, I know a lot. But, here have been the prayers of my heart this week:

"God, where are you? Why can't I feel you walking with me?"
"Why, Lord Jesus, is this your plan for me?"
"I have given up hope in some ways, God, that true healing is your plan for my life."
"Please God, let me poop! Why do I feel you have abonded me even in my pooping?"

Let's just say, I have felt a lot like the writers of many of the Psalms this week.

But I am calling out to You, Eternal One
My prayers rise before you with every new sun
Why do you turn your head and brush me aside, Eternal One?
Why are you avoiding me?
Since the days of my youth I have been sick and close to death
My helpless soul has suffered your silent horrors.
Now I am desperate. - Psaml 88:13-15

Whew. Tough stuff. Bryson right now, is "marveling at the theology" of this verse... it does not reflect what our heads know about God. This, is the prayer of someone's heart. This person was wrecked. This person felt abondoned. This person was in a deep, dark place. In my Bible, it says that this lament is reminiscent of Job's sufferings. Job, who, with what he thought could have been his last breath, was still praising God. Job managed to keep his head and his heart together, even when people told him not to.

Tonight, I do reveal that my head and my heart are not in the same place. This has been a very hard last week and it still has a long road ahead of me, I fear. I tell you this not to have a pity party for me, but so that if your heart, too, is not there with your head, you are just like many of the others in the Bible who wrote laments like the writer of Psalm 88. And Psalm 38. And many others. But, we must cling to the verses our heads know, and soon, I know my heart will catch up with them.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. - Hebrews 10:36

first outing!

Took a little trip to Starbucks this morning! I have not left the house except for our short walks since we got back from the hospital last Tuesday. It was pretty darn amazing to get out of the house.

scar

After we took the bandage off of surgery #1

After we took the bandage off of surgery #2

I hope and pray I won't have another picture from surgery #3!!!

surgery... take 2

Yesterday (Monday) I had back surgery... again. The first surgery did not work and we had to go in and clean up the disk again. Unfortunately, there was LOTS of scar tissue that had formed, and all that had to be cleaned and dug out too. This has translated to a LOT of pain. This surgery recovery has been a lot worse than last time. Yesterday, morphine, vicodin, nothing was touching the pain. And every time I got up I would get really dizzy and almost pass out. Finally around 1:00 AM I was able to start tolerating it. Physical therapy came in and walked with me this morning, and i did well walking around and doing stairs. I am hoping to go home around 4:00 this afternoon.

At the end of March, I said that the only way I would make it through till surgery would be through God's grace and strength. I can point to many times over the last 60 days that it was only through God giving me strength and sustenance that I was able to make it through. Even yesterday, when I was in so much pain, I knew that God was giving me strength to get through it. There is still a long journey to go through with recovery. But I trust that God will provide what is needed in this recovery.

LOTS of big stuff to update on from the last month or so. I will blog about all that with pictures when I am home this week.