Hey! Cut that out!

I am a mover. I am really not very content sitting and doing nothing for more than a few hours. I love being active. In my "previous life" (read: before my injury) I was running triathalons, training for half marathons, dancing with my kids at school all day and working out with Jillian Michaels videos a few times a week. I loved it all.

One of the things I was really hoping with my SCS surgery is that I would be able to get back to my active lifestyle. Maybe not running again, but I was hoping for some biking, swimming, perhaps some dancing with the kiddos again. I have tried in the last couple weeks to jump back in and do some of the active things I like to do.

Everyone around me and my own body is screaming, "Hey! Cut that out!" And every time I hear it, it does two things. First, I get angry and do more. Then I get sad because I am in so much pain. Last night, we had a follow up with my surgeon. I told him I was having a bit more pain. He told me the SCS is great and will help, but it also has its limits of what pain and how much pain it was going to cover. So I need to make wise choices about my activity level. If it is something really worth it, I can go all out, but then understand that I will probably have some pain to deal with as a result of it.

One of my people who watch over me told me, "I understand that you want to be active in your job..." to which I started crying, "No! You don't understand!" As I thought about it more, it would be like telling a counselor, "Hey, I know that you work with people trying to solve their problems, but from now on, you can only use 200 words a day." My doctor yesterday had also said my incisions were healing perfectly, and everyone I knew said, "Oh! I am so glad things are going so well and got such great news!" But to me, hearing again that I have limits and will probably always have those limits made me sad.

Today I was reading Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole by Angie Smith. I read a passage from her about Disney World. She was talking about how when you get on a ride at Disney World, the entire world disappears. It doesn't matter that you waited an hour, that the kid behind you has been screaming. You just lose yourself to the music.  But, when it is over, everyone has to go back to reality. The music ends, we get off and the annoyances are still there. The hurt, pain and sorrow that made us get on the ride returns.

I feel like I have been trying to live on a ride. I blast the music in my classroom, I dance around. I blast the music of my nephew's laughter, so I crawl on the floor with him and throw him around. I blast the music of my kid's "you're the best music teacher" and stay till 6:00 hang at school to do extra help. But when I get off the ride of my day, and the music settles, man, it hurts. I cry from the pain. But the next day I get back on the ride to try to blast away the sounds of, "hey, cut that out! You can't do that!"

Why do i continually need to blast the music? why can't I just take some time to listen to the music my body is playing? The music God is playing for me, saying, "I know this wasn't exactly your plan, but I have an amazing plan for your life!" It is time to get off the ride that is blasting the music of denial. Or at least go to the "Under 3" park at Disney World.

I was lamenting of my limits, my husband pointed out, "Well, dear, everyone has limits." He is right. We do all have limits about what we can and can't do. I still am mourning the loss of my super active lifestyle a bit. But I am trying to focus on my positives and use my SCS as a good tool to allow me to do a bit more than I could without it. And to listen to the music God is playing, saying, "I am enough for you, Sarah, I will work through your hurts if you let me." I definitely don't have it figured out, but I do hope one day I can say these words with authority and conviction,

Finally, He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weakness, and I will gladly go on and on - I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Two songs

How I felt starting my day...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

How I felt trying to stay positive about life later...

There' only Now
There's Only Here
Give in To Love
Or live in Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today