the struggle

When I was first diagnosed with MS and started looking at signs and symbols of MS, I found out that the symbol of MS is a butterfly, and often, due to the color, people tend to take hold of the monarch butterfly as "the symbol" for MS.

When I first heard that, I thought, "Oh, that is nice, it is pretty." But I don't think I really got it. Until this week.

There has been so much going on in my life right now. It has been so insanely crazy with stresses out the wazoo. We have been overwhelmed by despair, by trials, by pain in our house over the last month. And my health has definitely suffered. While overall, I have been feeling the tiniest bit better, the last few days have sent me spiraling down again. When I emailed my doctor when I started noticing problems with my vision again, he asked me, "Do you have any stress or fatigue in your life right now?" I about fell out of my chair laughing.

Sometimes, the trials in our life seem to overwhelm us. They are all we can see in our life. I know at times, especially when I am feeling the worst, all I can think about is, "Why is this my life? Why is this what I will have to live with forever?" When we have tribulations, and often deep rooted tribulations that come with an incurable disease, it is so hard to see past these hard times and look beyond.

A monarch butterfly starts as a caterpillar. We all know that. A caterpillar hatches from an egg, and all it has to do is eat for two weeks (ahhh, what a life!). The caterpillar then spins a chrysalis. Inside this chrysalis, so much change is happening. This gross bug is transforming into a beautiful butterfly. I don't really know, but I bet this is not an easy or pain-free process. But it is at the end of this chrysalis where the struggle really begins. This new butterfly, who has almost no muscles in its wings, has to build up all it needs to exist as it emerges. It struggles. It works hard. It is painful at times. I remember watching in my 2nd grade class to a butterfly coming from a chrysalis, and the butterfly would struggle for a little bit, then basically have to rest and take a bunch of huge breaths before continuing. But it is in this struggle that the beauty of the butterfly emerges. The amazing oranges, the amazing detail of the symmetry in each wing, the perfectly placed white spots, the graceful flying. If it skipped the struggle, the butterfly would either never emerge, or if it is done for the butterfly, the butterfly does not have the strength to exist. This butterfly then lives for about 2-6 weeks before it passes to the next generation.

As people look at butterflies, do they think, "Man, what a struggle that guy had?" Usually not, unless you are a biologist focusing on monarch butterflies. People see the butterfly and think, "Wow, what beauty!"

I have been constantly listening to a song by Steffany Gretzinger, "Out of Hiding". I was even given the opportunity to play and sing it at church a few weeks ago. One line of the song has spoken volumes to me.

Oh as you run, what hindered love, will only become, part of the story.

Only part of the story. Our stuff that keeps us from loving or being all that we hope to be, whether it be disease, depression, struggles at work, struggles within a family... anything ... will one day become only part of your story. Just part of it. It is so hard to see that when you are stuck in the depths of it. So hard to see that, even if the struggle is incurable, it is just part of your story.

While MS will probably be a part of my story for life, it is only part of it. I need to remember that. And no matter what your struggle is, it is also just part of your story. There is so much more to my story, just like the butterfly. The caterpillar who gets to eat all day, the transformation, the beauty of the butterfly is the rest of the story. Music, wife, mama to my fur baby, teacher, crocheting, being a friend, love, joy, hope... all the rest of my story.

So while you are in the struggle, don't forget the rest of your story.