arms are up...

I have blogged before the passage from Exodus 17:8-13 before here. A dear friend shared this passage with me probably a year and a half ago. Today, I was reminded of this passage and how the Lord really puts dear friends and loved ones, or words of encouragement in our paths when we can't raise our own arms up. I was feeling very gloomy this morning. I won't go into detail about all the gloom, but it was a very teary morning.

Then, within 5 minutes of each other, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile and an email. The text said that this person had been thinking of me a lot, and said that though she didn't have wise words that hadn't already been heard, to encourage me to lean on the One who created all things and call upon His comfort. She encouraged me that there were many praying for me. Then, I got my daily email of a Bible verse and quote. The quote said:

"We discovered that faith is not expecting that the Lord will miraculously give us whatever we ask, or feeling that we will not be killed and that everything will turn out as we want. We learned that faith is putting ourselves in [God’s] hands, whatever happens, good or bad. [God] will help us somehow.”

- Felipe and Mary Barreda from, Common Prayer - A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals"

I was singing this afternoon the song "Please Be My Strength" by Gungor (listen to it here). As I have said before, if I make it through this time, it is a testament not to my strength, but to the strength of God. I was so thankful for the Lord providing people to hold my arms up high today when I felt like all my strength was gone. Thank you Lord, for my "Aarons" and "Hurs" Amen. 

(...tee hee... that's a funny name... Hur...).

your peace is the melody...

I finally feel like maybe I can post and talk about this now.

The last few weeks, my back has been hurting a lot again. My physical therapist suggested it was just scar tissue, but due to our life changes that are supposed to be happening this summer, we decided to call the surgeon again just to get it checked on. So we scheduled a new MRI and put me on a steroid. Bad news came back... my disc reherniated, and I need to repeat the surgery to get any relief.

I did NOT want to talk about it with almost anyone but a select few for quite awhile. I was so angry and frustrated. I am STILL angry and frustrated. This really messes with the fact that we are supposed to move this summer to wherever Bryson may be appointed. I will lose insurance. But I am also out of sick days and school, and they take a LOT of money when one runs out of sick days. So, trying to juggle insurance ending for me, moving, not missing too much school and everything else with this season of change has been overwhelming.

Much of my journey through all my back pain has been documented by various music and songs. I go back and listen to some of the music that encouraged me at the start of this crooked, winding, bumpy road and it still encourages me. Yet, none of those songs really captured how broken I felt. How abandoned by God I felt. None of these songs were giving me God's peace or the knowledge that God will strengthen me through all of this. I didn't feel like any of these songs that once made me feel God's presence through the pain.

I stumbled across a band called All Sons & Daughters when we visited a church called Jacob's Well on a Sunday night. This song, A Reason to Sing, captured the brokenness I felt in the first verse:

When the pieces seem to shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that seems to matter

Is I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in your hands...

This. This captured the way my heart felt. BUT. This is not the end. The song has good news.

Will there be a victory?

Will you sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

Will you sing it over me now?

God's peace sang a melody over me that morning. Things are still icky. I am still frustrated and trying to just get through each of the 49 days till surgery one at a time, slowly. And there are time where I still cry my eyes out about it. But I trust God's melody to sing to me each and every morning, not matter what happens. I know, that WHEN I get through this, and WHEN I am healed, it will truly be a testimony to the STRENGTH God gives his children and the PEACE and instills in their lives.

Check out All Sons & Daughters playing their song here: Reason to Sing

healing

Since surgery I have been working hard healing. It has been a very productive time. When mostly all I can do is lay on the couch or in bed, I have a lot of time to get things done. Here is my "Post-Op Accomplishment List"

• I have read Sarah's Key, Something Blue, and Bossypants. Bossypants was my favorite by far and I often truly laughed out out MANY times. Highly recommend.
• Watched Season 1 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 2 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 6 of How I Met Your Mother
• Watched a few movies, including Titanic, Meet Me in Saint Louis, Star Trek (that one was B's choice)
• Discovered pinterest, and have decided on my style for various rooms in our future house, teaching ideas, and wall decorations
• Consumed quite a bit of pharmaceuticals
• Eaten and frozen a massive amount of food from our friends

I have another 2 weeks off work, so I am sure I will get much more accomplished. Next week, my plan is to master Rock Band guitar, and today starts the Lilliehouse Thanksgiving Tradition of a 3 day marathon of all the Lord of the Rings extended edition movies. Yup, we're cool like that.

Overall, healing has been quite a bit slower than I expected. I have gone through many times of feeling pretty down, but have been hanging in okay. I still have a lot of numbness and some nerve problems when I am standing, but am thankful I can be somewhat comfortable while laying down. The neurosurgery nurse told me that hopefully by about day 14, things should be much more calm with everything.

We also took off the bandage today... a nice little picture of my new, cute tramp stamp. I can't wait to show it off over the top of my cute low rise jeans.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of all." - Psalm 34:18-19

surgery!

I am home recovering now! Yay! I have a very numb leg and pain that gets pretty intesne in that leg, but they said that is all understandable due to the digging they did in the nerves.

A couple pics from the last days.

Before surgery with all my IVs and wires.

After... not quite as peppy

Doing stairs with the physical therapist. I've mastered my old lady walk

I'm home! And looking gorgeous by the way.

a cake to cut

My birthday is on Wednesday, but we celebrated tonight due to crazy schedules the rest of the week. My wonderful husband made me this cake last year, due to my recent back injury and all the meds I had been given to try and fix me.

This year, I am pretty sure he topped it. 16 days until surgery!

I think we need to stop watching Cake Boss at the Lillie house.

Counting down...

We are continuing to be patient in God's timing and trying to remain hopeful for success from surgery. Pain levels have been horrid lately, and we are counting down days... and today Bryson suggested I make a paper chain. So, in the spirit of counting down, we have 17 days! Excited to rip off a chain link tomorrow.

...there is a season

This weekend has been rough. (For the record, ultimate pin blaster is not a good game to play with 1st graders for one with a bad back!) I was wishing this weekend that I had decided to go for an earlier surgery date. While I want so badly to have the surgery soon and hopefully find some relief from pain, I feel the need to be around for some things in the next few weeks. I felt very torn about waiting all the way to the middle of November to try and find some relief, but be able to finish some things out opposed to taking the first available appointment. I know that God's timing is perfect though. These verses were comforts to me this evening.

"This vision is for a future time.

It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,

For it will surely take place.

It will not be delayed."

-Habakkuk 2:3

"At just the right time I will respond to you. On the day of salvation I will help you. I will protect you and give you to the people as my covenant with them. Through you I will reestablish the land of Israel and assign it to its own people again." - Isaiah 49:8

Parts of the book of Isaiah were written during a time of huge struggle for the people of Israel. They had just been conquered by the Assyrians. They had been forced to live in a way that was unfamiliar to them. They longed for the peace and familiarity they were used to. If the Israelites were anything like me, they wanted to return to their times of peace and healing NOW. But God didn't solve their problems right away. The Lord did promise that the time when they would return to their land would come. And God kept that promise. Even though it wasn't in the same timing of the Israelites. We have to trust that God will keep His promises to us. He hears us when we cry out to Him. He lifts us out of our sorrows and sadnesses. He will steady our feet as we walk.

I want surgery now. Actually, if I was honest, I wanted healing without surgery about 16 months ago! Yet, for a reason unknown to me, this was not God's timing. I have to trust that His timing is perfect and that He will answer my prayers.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

Out of the mud and mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked around."

-Psalm 40:1-2