back to back...

Well, I went to the surgeon for my 6 week check up right before we moved from Missouri to Colorado. I went in being optimistic... trying hard to show that I was probably doing okay. I talked about how I can get out and do things, but it still hurts, and I'm okay after I lie down for awhile. And that my foot was still numb and weird, but if I wear certain shoes I do okay.

The nurse asked me, "Are you really getting better, or are you learning to live with the problems you still have?"

It was the second one.

A third, fusion surgery was discussed, as was just giving things a little more time.

I have cried, a lot.

I am having a hard time not being completely devastated. The words "I can't do this again" have come out of my mouth many times.

I read this Psalm out on the porch in the beautiful Colorado morning air yesterday:

‎"Eternal One, I am call out to You; You are the foundation of my life. Please, don't turn Your ear from me. If you respond to my pleas with silence, I will lose all hope like those silenced by death's grave. Listen to my voice, You will hear me begging for Your help with my hands lifted up in prayer, my body turned toward Your holy home... The Eternal should be honored and revered, He has heard my cries for help, The eternal is the source of my strength and the shield that guards me. When I learn to rest and truly trust Him, He sends His help. This is why my heart is singing! I open my mouth to praise Him, and thankfulness rises as song." - Psalm 28:1-2, 6-7 (The Voice Translation)

I am thankful for continued hope in God, in all that goes on in my life. When I don't have much hope, I am thankful that God gives me a song to sing, a song of hope, a song of strength, and a song of peace.

"Even in the unending shadows of death's darkness, I am not overcome by fear. Because you are with me in those dark moments, near with your protection and guidance, I am comforted." Psalm 23:4 (The VOICE translation)

a heart post

This evening, I was given a lovely note from a family member about how she was comforted by my faith through this time of pain. This made me sit back and think a little bit. Often, I post about the things that are in my head. "I know that God is walking with me" "I know that God is providing the strength." I have to admit, though, that this is often what my head says. I grew up in a church that practiced a lot of head knowledge about the Bible and Christianity (not to say that the heart wasn't there also.) So, I know a lot. But, here have been the prayers of my heart this week:

"God, where are you? Why can't I feel you walking with me?"
"Why, Lord Jesus, is this your plan for me?"
"I have given up hope in some ways, God, that true healing is your plan for my life."
"Please God, let me poop! Why do I feel you have abonded me even in my pooping?"

Let's just say, I have felt a lot like the writers of many of the Psalms this week.

But I am calling out to You, Eternal One
My prayers rise before you with every new sun
Why do you turn your head and brush me aside, Eternal One?
Why are you avoiding me?
Since the days of my youth I have been sick and close to death
My helpless soul has suffered your silent horrors.
Now I am desperate. - Psaml 88:13-15

Whew. Tough stuff. Bryson right now, is "marveling at the theology" of this verse... it does not reflect what our heads know about God. This, is the prayer of someone's heart. This person was wrecked. This person felt abondoned. This person was in a deep, dark place. In my Bible, it says that this lament is reminiscent of Job's sufferings. Job, who, with what he thought could have been his last breath, was still praising God. Job managed to keep his head and his heart together, even when people told him not to.

Tonight, I do reveal that my head and my heart are not in the same place. This has been a very hard last week and it still has a long road ahead of me, I fear. I tell you this not to have a pity party for me, but so that if your heart, too, is not there with your head, you are just like many of the others in the Bible who wrote laments like the writer of Psalm 88. And Psalm 38. And many others. But, we must cling to the verses our heads know, and soon, I know my heart will catch up with them.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. - Hebrews 10:36

first outing!

Took a little trip to Starbucks this morning! I have not left the house except for our short walks since we got back from the hospital last Tuesday. It was pretty darn amazing to get out of the house.

scar

After we took the bandage off of surgery #1

After we took the bandage off of surgery #2

I hope and pray I won't have another picture from surgery #3!!!

surgery... take 2

Yesterday (Monday) I had back surgery... again. The first surgery did not work and we had to go in and clean up the disk again. Unfortunately, there was LOTS of scar tissue that had formed, and all that had to be cleaned and dug out too. This has translated to a LOT of pain. This surgery recovery has been a lot worse than last time. Yesterday, morphine, vicodin, nothing was touching the pain. And every time I got up I would get really dizzy and almost pass out. Finally around 1:00 AM I was able to start tolerating it. Physical therapy came in and walked with me this morning, and i did well walking around and doing stairs. I am hoping to go home around 4:00 this afternoon.

At the end of March, I said that the only way I would make it through till surgery would be through God's grace and strength. I can point to many times over the last 60 days that it was only through God giving me strength and sustenance that I was able to make it through. Even yesterday, when I was in so much pain, I knew that God was giving me strength to get through it. There is still a long journey to go through with recovery. But I trust that God will provide what is needed in this recovery.

LOTS of big stuff to update on from the last month or so. I will blog about all that with pictures when I am home this week.

arms are up...

I have blogged before the passage from Exodus 17:8-13 before here. A dear friend shared this passage with me probably a year and a half ago. Today, I was reminded of this passage and how the Lord really puts dear friends and loved ones, or words of encouragement in our paths when we can't raise our own arms up. I was feeling very gloomy this morning. I won't go into detail about all the gloom, but it was a very teary morning.

Then, within 5 minutes of each other, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile and an email. The text said that this person had been thinking of me a lot, and said that though she didn't have wise words that hadn't already been heard, to encourage me to lean on the One who created all things and call upon His comfort. She encouraged me that there were many praying for me. Then, I got my daily email of a Bible verse and quote. The quote said:

"We discovered that faith is not expecting that the Lord will miraculously give us whatever we ask, or feeling that we will not be killed and that everything will turn out as we want. We learned that faith is putting ourselves in [God’s] hands, whatever happens, good or bad. [God] will help us somehow.”

- Felipe and Mary Barreda from, Common Prayer - A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals"

I was singing this afternoon the song "Please Be My Strength" by Gungor (listen to it here). As I have said before, if I make it through this time, it is a testament not to my strength, but to the strength of God. I was so thankful for the Lord providing people to hold my arms up high today when I felt like all my strength was gone. Thank you Lord, for my "Aarons" and "Hurs" Amen. 

(...tee hee... that's a funny name... Hur...).

your peace is the melody...

I finally feel like maybe I can post and talk about this now.

The last few weeks, my back has been hurting a lot again. My physical therapist suggested it was just scar tissue, but due to our life changes that are supposed to be happening this summer, we decided to call the surgeon again just to get it checked on. So we scheduled a new MRI and put me on a steroid. Bad news came back... my disc reherniated, and I need to repeat the surgery to get any relief.

I did NOT want to talk about it with almost anyone but a select few for quite awhile. I was so angry and frustrated. I am STILL angry and frustrated. This really messes with the fact that we are supposed to move this summer to wherever Bryson may be appointed. I will lose insurance. But I am also out of sick days and school, and they take a LOT of money when one runs out of sick days. So, trying to juggle insurance ending for me, moving, not missing too much school and everything else with this season of change has been overwhelming.

Much of my journey through all my back pain has been documented by various music and songs. I go back and listen to some of the music that encouraged me at the start of this crooked, winding, bumpy road and it still encourages me. Yet, none of those songs really captured how broken I felt. How abandoned by God I felt. None of these songs were giving me God's peace or the knowledge that God will strengthen me through all of this. I didn't feel like any of these songs that once made me feel God's presence through the pain.

I stumbled across a band called All Sons & Daughters when we visited a church called Jacob's Well on a Sunday night. This song, A Reason to Sing, captured the brokenness I felt in the first verse:

When the pieces seem to shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that seems to matter

Is I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in your hands...

This. This captured the way my heart felt. BUT. This is not the end. The song has good news.

Will there be a victory?

Will you sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

Will you sing it over me now?

God's peace sang a melody over me that morning. Things are still icky. I am still frustrated and trying to just get through each of the 49 days till surgery one at a time, slowly. And there are time where I still cry my eyes out about it. But I trust God's melody to sing to me each and every morning, not matter what happens. I know, that WHEN I get through this, and WHEN I am healed, it will truly be a testimony to the STRENGTH God gives his children and the PEACE and instills in their lives.

Check out All Sons & Daughters playing their song here: Reason to Sing