Let's start at the beginning...

This is a blog for me to be able to talk about my issues with my chronic back pain. I was posting all my posts regarding my back on my family blog, but decided the other day that perhaps I wanted to separate these two blogs.

A little about the story of my injury: In June of 2010, we were moving to a new apartment. After a long day of loading boxes, I tried to stretch my back, as it was hurting quite a bit. Instead of making myself feel better with these stretches, my back went completely out. I was on the floor for 2 hours because every time I tried to move, I screamed. After a few hours, we finally very painfully got me up, and  I tried to shower and use the bathroom... and then I passed out in the shower from the pain. I then got stuck in the bathtub for a couple hours until I could kind of tolerate getting back to the couch, where I spent a horribly painful night until I got to the doctor the next morning.

Since that day, I have had 6 MRIs, a myelogram, 4 epidural steroid injections, 2 runs of physical therapy, a try at chiropractic and acupuncture, and 2 back surgeries. Unfortunately, nothing has solved the pain I live with every moment of every day.

The blog title was chosen after I wrote this post on my other blog:


All this week I feel like I have been constantly reminded that God is continually making us new. This was a big theme in the beginning of our church service the other day with new pastors and new formats and new ways of doing a sermon. Then this week I have been listening to Gungor's album Beautiful Things almost non-stop. So many of the songs express a desire to be made new, and a transformation in one's soul of being made new. I have seen a little one move from the PICU in a Children's Hospital after almost a month to a a regular room. I have watched the pleading God to make a child new from a mom who has had a little one in the NICU for the last month. I have seen the rains come to Colorado, making new this state from fires to peace.

I saw the first of two new surgeons yesterday, who suggested something completely new as a possibility, an electrical spinal cord stimulator. I had heard of this before, but it has not been suggested as me being a candidate before. There are still many things to happen before this would actually come to pass. More MRIs. Second opinions. Trials. More surgery. And, it still could not be the solution overall. It was overwhelming, and like most of my appointments these days, yes, I cried after it was over. There are many times that I have given up this hope for physical healing, and instead just felt that maybe our Lord would make me new in different ways... in my spirit, in my mind. Yet, the hope that maybe God will be making me physically new, with new suggestions from new doctors (not that I didn't love my doctor in KC) has been creeping in. I am feeling slivers of hope again that "You make beautiful things out of us" and that "Surely our Messiah will make all things new."


Watch closely: I am preparing something new; it's happening now, even as I speak, and you're about to see it. I am preparing a way through the desert; Waters will flow where there had been none... there will be water enough for my chosen people, trickling springs and clear streams running through the desert. My people, the ones whom I chose and created for My own, will sing my praise. - Is. 43:19; 20b-21



I am using this blog to document hope, to document the trials, to document the sorrows of how it is to live with chronic pain - day in and day out. I am hoping that soon, I won't have to continue writing this blog. Until then, I am hoping this will provide hope and comfort to others who may be going through the same trials.

With peace - S.

you make me new

All this week I feel like I have been constantly reminded that God is continually making us new. This was a big theme in the beginning of our church service the other day with new pastors and new formats and new ways of doing a sermon. Then this week I have been listening to Gungor's album Beautiful Things almost non-stop. So many of the songs express a desire to be made new, and a transformation in one's soul of being made new. I have seen a little one move from the PICU in a Children's Hospital after almost a month to a a regular room. I have watched the pleading God to make a child new from a mom who has had a little one in the NICU for the last month. I have seen the rains come to Colorado, making new this state from fires to peace.

I saw the first of two new surgeons yesterday, who suggested something completely new as a possibility, an electrical spinal cord stimulator. I had heard of this before, but it has not been suggested as me being a candidate before. There are still many things to happen before this would actually come to pass. More MRIs. Second opinions. Trials. More surgery. And, it still could not be the solution overall. It was overwhelming, and like most of my appointments these days, yes, I cried after it was over. There are many times that I have given up this hope for physical healing, and instead just felt that maybe our Lord would make me new in different ways... in my spirit, in my mind. Yet, the hope that maybe God will be making me physically new, with new suggestions from new doctors (not that I didn't love my doctor in KC) has been creeping in. I am feeling slivers of hope again that "You make beautiful things out of us" and that "Surely our Messiah will make all things new."


Watch closely: I am preparing something new; it's happening now, even as I speak, and you're about to see it. I am preparing a way through the desert; Waters will flow where there had been none... there will be water enough for my chosen people, trickling springs and clear streams running through the desert. My people, the ones whom I chose and created for My own, will sing my praise. - Is. 43:19; 20b-21

back to back...

Well, I went to the surgeon for my 6 week check up right before we moved from Missouri to Colorado. I went in being optimistic... trying hard to show that I was probably doing okay. I talked about how I can get out and do things, but it still hurts, and I'm okay after I lie down for awhile. And that my foot was still numb and weird, but if I wear certain shoes I do okay.

The nurse asked me, "Are you really getting better, or are you learning to live with the problems you still have?"

It was the second one.

A third, fusion surgery was discussed, as was just giving things a little more time.

I have cried, a lot.

I am having a hard time not being completely devastated. The words "I can't do this again" have come out of my mouth many times.

I read this Psalm out on the porch in the beautiful Colorado morning air yesterday:

‎"Eternal One, I am call out to You; You are the foundation of my life. Please, don't turn Your ear from me. If you respond to my pleas with silence, I will lose all hope like those silenced by death's grave. Listen to my voice, You will hear me begging for Your help with my hands lifted up in prayer, my body turned toward Your holy home... The Eternal should be honored and revered, He has heard my cries for help, The eternal is the source of my strength and the shield that guards me. When I learn to rest and truly trust Him, He sends His help. This is why my heart is singing! I open my mouth to praise Him, and thankfulness rises as song." - Psalm 28:1-2, 6-7 (The Voice Translation)

I am thankful for continued hope in God, in all that goes on in my life. When I don't have much hope, I am thankful that God gives me a song to sing, a song of hope, a song of strength, and a song of peace.

"Even in the unending shadows of death's darkness, I am not overcome by fear. Because you are with me in those dark moments, near with your protection and guidance, I am comforted." Psalm 23:4 (The VOICE translation)

a heart post

This evening, I was given a lovely note from a family member about how she was comforted by my faith through this time of pain. This made me sit back and think a little bit. Often, I post about the things that are in my head. "I know that God is walking with me" "I know that God is providing the strength." I have to admit, though, that this is often what my head says. I grew up in a church that practiced a lot of head knowledge about the Bible and Christianity (not to say that the heart wasn't there also.) So, I know a lot. But, here have been the prayers of my heart this week:

"God, where are you? Why can't I feel you walking with me?"
"Why, Lord Jesus, is this your plan for me?"
"I have given up hope in some ways, God, that true healing is your plan for my life."
"Please God, let me poop! Why do I feel you have abonded me even in my pooping?"

Let's just say, I have felt a lot like the writers of many of the Psalms this week.

But I am calling out to You, Eternal One
My prayers rise before you with every new sun
Why do you turn your head and brush me aside, Eternal One?
Why are you avoiding me?
Since the days of my youth I have been sick and close to death
My helpless soul has suffered your silent horrors.
Now I am desperate. - Psaml 88:13-15

Whew. Tough stuff. Bryson right now, is "marveling at the theology" of this verse... it does not reflect what our heads know about God. This, is the prayer of someone's heart. This person was wrecked. This person felt abondoned. This person was in a deep, dark place. In my Bible, it says that this lament is reminiscent of Job's sufferings. Job, who, with what he thought could have been his last breath, was still praising God. Job managed to keep his head and his heart together, even when people told him not to.

Tonight, I do reveal that my head and my heart are not in the same place. This has been a very hard last week and it still has a long road ahead of me, I fear. I tell you this not to have a pity party for me, but so that if your heart, too, is not there with your head, you are just like many of the others in the Bible who wrote laments like the writer of Psalm 88. And Psalm 38. And many others. But, we must cling to the verses our heads know, and soon, I know my heart will catch up with them.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. - Hebrews 10:36

first outing!

Took a little trip to Starbucks this morning! I have not left the house except for our short walks since we got back from the hospital last Tuesday. It was pretty darn amazing to get out of the house.

scar

After we took the bandage off of surgery #1

After we took the bandage off of surgery #2

I hope and pray I won't have another picture from surgery #3!!!

surgery... take 2

Yesterday (Monday) I had back surgery... again. The first surgery did not work and we had to go in and clean up the disk again. Unfortunately, there was LOTS of scar tissue that had formed, and all that had to be cleaned and dug out too. This has translated to a LOT of pain. This surgery recovery has been a lot worse than last time. Yesterday, morphine, vicodin, nothing was touching the pain. And every time I got up I would get really dizzy and almost pass out. Finally around 1:00 AM I was able to start tolerating it. Physical therapy came in and walked with me this morning, and i did well walking around and doing stairs. I am hoping to go home around 4:00 this afternoon.

At the end of March, I said that the only way I would make it through till surgery would be through God's grace and strength. I can point to many times over the last 60 days that it was only through God giving me strength and sustenance that I was able to make it through. Even yesterday, when I was in so much pain, I knew that God was giving me strength to get through it. There is still a long journey to go through with recovery. But I trust that God will provide what is needed in this recovery.

LOTS of big stuff to update on from the last month or so. I will blog about all that with pictures when I am home this week.