a heart post

This evening, I was given a lovely note from a family member about how she was comforted by my faith through this time of pain. This made me sit back and think a little bit. Often, I post about the things that are in my head. "I know that God is walking with me" "I know that God is providing the strength." I have to admit, though, that this is often what my head says. I grew up in a church that practiced a lot of head knowledge about the Bible and Christianity (not to say that the heart wasn't there also.) So, I know a lot. But, here have been the prayers of my heart this week:

"God, where are you? Why can't I feel you walking with me?"
"Why, Lord Jesus, is this your plan for me?"
"I have given up hope in some ways, God, that true healing is your plan for my life."
"Please God, let me poop! Why do I feel you have abonded me even in my pooping?"

Let's just say, I have felt a lot like the writers of many of the Psalms this week.

But I am calling out to You, Eternal One
My prayers rise before you with every new sun
Why do you turn your head and brush me aside, Eternal One?
Why are you avoiding me?
Since the days of my youth I have been sick and close to death
My helpless soul has suffered your silent horrors.
Now I am desperate. - Psaml 88:13-15

Whew. Tough stuff. Bryson right now, is "marveling at the theology" of this verse... it does not reflect what our heads know about God. This, is the prayer of someone's heart. This person was wrecked. This person felt abondoned. This person was in a deep, dark place. In my Bible, it says that this lament is reminiscent of Job's sufferings. Job, who, with what he thought could have been his last breath, was still praising God. Job managed to keep his head and his heart together, even when people told him not to.

Tonight, I do reveal that my head and my heart are not in the same place. This has been a very hard last week and it still has a long road ahead of me, I fear. I tell you this not to have a pity party for me, but so that if your heart, too, is not there with your head, you are just like many of the others in the Bible who wrote laments like the writer of Psalm 88. And Psalm 38. And many others. But, we must cling to the verses our heads know, and soon, I know my heart will catch up with them.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. - Hebrews 10:36

first outing!

Took a little trip to Starbucks this morning! I have not left the house except for our short walks since we got back from the hospital last Tuesday. It was pretty darn amazing to get out of the house.

scar

After we took the bandage off of surgery #1

After we took the bandage off of surgery #2

I hope and pray I won't have another picture from surgery #3!!!

surgery... take 2

Yesterday (Monday) I had back surgery... again. The first surgery did not work and we had to go in and clean up the disk again. Unfortunately, there was LOTS of scar tissue that had formed, and all that had to be cleaned and dug out too. This has translated to a LOT of pain. This surgery recovery has been a lot worse than last time. Yesterday, morphine, vicodin, nothing was touching the pain. And every time I got up I would get really dizzy and almost pass out. Finally around 1:00 AM I was able to start tolerating it. Physical therapy came in and walked with me this morning, and i did well walking around and doing stairs. I am hoping to go home around 4:00 this afternoon.

At the end of March, I said that the only way I would make it through till surgery would be through God's grace and strength. I can point to many times over the last 60 days that it was only through God giving me strength and sustenance that I was able to make it through. Even yesterday, when I was in so much pain, I knew that God was giving me strength to get through it. There is still a long journey to go through with recovery. But I trust that God will provide what is needed in this recovery.

LOTS of big stuff to update on from the last month or so. I will blog about all that with pictures when I am home this week.

arms are up...

I have blogged before the passage from Exodus 17:8-13 before here. A dear friend shared this passage with me probably a year and a half ago. Today, I was reminded of this passage and how the Lord really puts dear friends and loved ones, or words of encouragement in our paths when we can't raise our own arms up. I was feeling very gloomy this morning. I won't go into detail about all the gloom, but it was a very teary morning.

Then, within 5 minutes of each other, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile and an email. The text said that this person had been thinking of me a lot, and said that though she didn't have wise words that hadn't already been heard, to encourage me to lean on the One who created all things and call upon His comfort. She encouraged me that there were many praying for me. Then, I got my daily email of a Bible verse and quote. The quote said:

"We discovered that faith is not expecting that the Lord will miraculously give us whatever we ask, or feeling that we will not be killed and that everything will turn out as we want. We learned that faith is putting ourselves in [God’s] hands, whatever happens, good or bad. [God] will help us somehow.”

- Felipe and Mary Barreda from, Common Prayer - A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals"

I was singing this afternoon the song "Please Be My Strength" by Gungor (listen to it here). As I have said before, if I make it through this time, it is a testament not to my strength, but to the strength of God. I was so thankful for the Lord providing people to hold my arms up high today when I felt like all my strength was gone. Thank you Lord, for my "Aarons" and "Hurs" Amen. 

(...tee hee... that's a funny name... Hur...).

your peace is the melody...

I finally feel like maybe I can post and talk about this now.

The last few weeks, my back has been hurting a lot again. My physical therapist suggested it was just scar tissue, but due to our life changes that are supposed to be happening this summer, we decided to call the surgeon again just to get it checked on. So we scheduled a new MRI and put me on a steroid. Bad news came back... my disc reherniated, and I need to repeat the surgery to get any relief.

I did NOT want to talk about it with almost anyone but a select few for quite awhile. I was so angry and frustrated. I am STILL angry and frustrated. This really messes with the fact that we are supposed to move this summer to wherever Bryson may be appointed. I will lose insurance. But I am also out of sick days and school, and they take a LOT of money when one runs out of sick days. So, trying to juggle insurance ending for me, moving, not missing too much school and everything else with this season of change has been overwhelming.

Much of my journey through all my back pain has been documented by various music and songs. I go back and listen to some of the music that encouraged me at the start of this crooked, winding, bumpy road and it still encourages me. Yet, none of those songs really captured how broken I felt. How abandoned by God I felt. None of these songs were giving me God's peace or the knowledge that God will strengthen me through all of this. I didn't feel like any of these songs that once made me feel God's presence through the pain.

I stumbled across a band called All Sons & Daughters when we visited a church called Jacob's Well on a Sunday night. This song, A Reason to Sing, captured the brokenness I felt in the first verse:

When the pieces seem to shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that seems to matter

Is I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in your hands...

This. This captured the way my heart felt. BUT. This is not the end. The song has good news.

Will there be a victory?

Will you sing it over me now?

Your peace is the melody

Will you sing it over me now?

God's peace sang a melody over me that morning. Things are still icky. I am still frustrated and trying to just get through each of the 49 days till surgery one at a time, slowly. And there are time where I still cry my eyes out about it. But I trust God's melody to sing to me each and every morning, not matter what happens. I know, that WHEN I get through this, and WHEN I am healed, it will truly be a testimony to the STRENGTH God gives his children and the PEACE and instills in their lives.

Check out All Sons & Daughters playing their song here: Reason to Sing

healing

Since surgery I have been working hard healing. It has been a very productive time. When mostly all I can do is lay on the couch or in bed, I have a lot of time to get things done. Here is my "Post-Op Accomplishment List"

• I have read Sarah's Key, Something Blue, and Bossypants. Bossypants was my favorite by far and I often truly laughed out out MANY times. Highly recommend.
• Watched Season 1 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 2 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 6 of How I Met Your Mother
• Watched a few movies, including Titanic, Meet Me in Saint Louis, Star Trek (that one was B's choice)
• Discovered pinterest, and have decided on my style for various rooms in our future house, teaching ideas, and wall decorations
• Consumed quite a bit of pharmaceuticals
• Eaten and frozen a massive amount of food from our friends

I have another 2 weeks off work, so I am sure I will get much more accomplished. Next week, my plan is to master Rock Band guitar, and today starts the Lilliehouse Thanksgiving Tradition of a 3 day marathon of all the Lord of the Rings extended edition movies. Yup, we're cool like that.

Overall, healing has been quite a bit slower than I expected. I have gone through many times of feeling pretty down, but have been hanging in okay. I still have a lot of numbness and some nerve problems when I am standing, but am thankful I can be somewhat comfortable while laying down. The neurosurgery nurse told me that hopefully by about day 14, things should be much more calm with everything.

We also took off the bandage today... a nice little picture of my new, cute tramp stamp. I can't wait to show it off over the top of my cute low rise jeans.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of all." - Psalm 34:18-19