Our daily bread

I grew up Baptist. I learned very early on that anything high church was not really the way we did things. So when I started going to an Episcopal church in high school with a friend, all the responsive readings and reciting things was so weird to me. I HATED it. I thought, "How can anyone worship with the same routine over and over again. That isn't new and fresh. This is not worship."

HOLY TOLEDO WAS I WRONG!

I attend the Methodist church now, and while there isn't as much "high church" as there was in the Episcopal church, there are robes (which my baptist old self still wants to rebel against) and responsive readings, and, what has become one of my favorite parts of worship, the Lord's Prayer. Every week this prayer is the same. It's said every week, same words, same time of service. It could get monotonous. But it definitely has not.

As of late, there has been a line that every week almost makes me openly weep.

"Give us this day our daily bread."

Now, this may seem like a fairly simple line. Most of the people I associate with (not including the kids at my school.... Whole other issue) don't have an issue with having the daily food they need to survive. However, I am not sure this is necessarily referring to food. I heard a whole sermon series on the Lord's prayer once that was excellent (kudos to our Missouri pastor, Mitch J) and he made this point about our "daily bread" not necessarily being about food. To many of you, you might be saying "Yeah, duh Sarah." I don't think this is a mind blowing concept. But recently this line in our weekly prayer has really been getting me.

Every day is a struggle for me. The pain, the exhaustion from living in pain, the emotionality of constant pain, all the drugs... Etc.  Asking for daily bread feels like a lot. I struggle to get through many days. There is a lot that I feel like I need God to provide to get through the day. But here is the thing. He does. So many people tell me they cannot tell that I am in pain all the time. Even though days are a struggle, I am so thankful for God providing for my daily needs. I do get through my days. I do make it with a fairly joyful spirit most of the time. I do have so much support on the really bad days.

When praying every week, "give us this day our daily bread" it is a reminder of God's provision through this time. This gets me every time. Who am I, Sarah Lillie, that God chooses to provide for me and my daily bread? Thank you Lord, for my daily bread.

Living is about more than merely eating, and the body is about more than dressing up. Look at the birds in the sky. They do not store food for winter. They don't plant gardens. They do not sew or reap-and yet, they are always fed because your Heavenly Father feeds them. And you are even more precious to Him than a beautiful bird. If He looks after them, of course He will look after you. -Matthew 6:25b-26

Very patient endurance

This week was full of a couple interesting doctor appointments. On Monday we went to a doctor in Boulder, where I had an EMG to determine what nerve damage might be there. Well, there was nerve damage. Yes, I was surprised! The never was not severely damaged, but moderately. So on Wednesday I drove to Denver to see a specialist in spinal cord stimulation. He said I was a "very good candidate" for spinal cord stimulation. After some consideration, talking with my surgeon back in Kansas City, some praying... We are pursuing this option.

There is lots that will happen before the surgery would actually happen. I will have to undergo a psych evaluation I guess. We will do a trial of the stimulator where all the wires are outside me. If it works, I will then schedule a surgery. Which will be invasive. Probably at the same level if not more than my last surgeries. I am hoping to do this mid-December... If everything works out.

I am pretty conflicted about this. Very hopeful that this may fix my pain. But for crying out loud... More surgery?!?! We were supposed to go to Orlando at the beginning of January. I didn't want to take more time off work. I wish it were all easier.

I have gone back and started reading "Patient Endurance" again (Hebrews 10:36) As we keep going down this road, I am continually repeating this verse over and over again. I am hoping God continues to help me with patient endurance through yet another journey toward surgery. This hymn has been in my head today:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest fame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

i am so thankful that God is unchanging, unwavering, and steadfast in His love. I am thankful that my hope rests on Jesus.

 There is still a lot of feelings and sadness to still go through. I am sure there are many more tears to cry before it is over. And I am still not optimistic about results actually allowing me to get off medicine and reclaim the life of a healthy 27 year old.

Patient endurance.... Patience endurance... Patient endurance...

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
Hillsong - Cornerstone (includes the words of Solid Rock)