I have always been a big "do it myself" person. I bashfully admit that I loved the Independent Women song by Destiny's Child when I was in middle school. And I rock out hard to Run the World (Girls) by Beyonce in my car often... "Strong enough to bear your children, then get back to business!"
In high school, I was in a choir that started practice at 6:30 in the morning. So I had to get up and get ready to leave by about 6:05. I remember my mom commenting on how great it was that I was able to get myself up and get out without her helping. It was not the same for my brothers. I hate group projects, and would rather just do the work on my own. I have taken the assemblies at my school, and work with various groups of kids by myself to get them all ready on my plan time. If I need something moved, I don't wait to ask for a janitor, I do it myself. (The janitor at my old school used to get SO mad at me and threaten to call my husband when I would be moving risers down the hall!) I don't mind any of this one bit. I am a very take charge, get it done person.
And then there is the after surgery time.
My principal has already commented to me, "After this, when you come back to work, you are going to have to be good. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET PEOPLE HELP YOU!" I told her, "Man, I've only been working here 3 months, and you already really know me!"
I am not allowed to lift ANYTHING. I can't bend at ALL. I am not even allowed to lift my hands over my head to get a juice glass. The last few surgeries, this has been hard. I would drop a pill, and start bawling that I couldn't get it on my own. My hubby would almost be laughing at me, and would pick up the pill. But man, it drives me CRAZY to be so not independent. (I did eventually learn how to put on my underpants with one of those grabbers like old people have. It was my fight for independence. Grabber underpants.)
Now, I am about to enter a time of more non-independence. I will really have to rely on others. My husband is so amazing with this, and he is so great at taking care of me in these moments of weakness.
I am nervous because the hubby will be gone for a business trip for a week at about the 5 week mark after surgery. I will still have lots of restrictions. No arms above my head... how will I get dressed? Wash my hair? Comb my hair? Get breakfast? Get all my things into the car? It is going to be rough, and it makes me feel very weak and volunerable.
I think this is also where I struggle a lot in my faith. I want to take charge of my life. I want to be independent some times, and not rely on God to take care of my struggles. I am strong, I can handle them, RIGHT? Wrong. I have been so down the last few days, and have felt so weak emotionally, mentally and physically. This is how we are as humans. We are not strong enough to do it on our own. We MUST rely on God's strength and grace to get us through. We are volunterable people. In my realization of "How am I going to wash my hair when Bryson is gone?" it really illustrates to me how we can't do life on our own. We need a family of faith to surround us and God's never failing grace to pull us through.
I think I have the hair washing stuff maybe figured out (a stuffed plastic glove on a stick? Ha!). But I don't always have the reliance on God figured out. I am so thankful that he keeps whispering to me, "I'm here Sarah. Let me have your troubles. Fall at my feet and I will take care of your every need." Thank you God for your amazing grace.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
what if???
December 17.
December 17.
December 17.
I can get there.
This is the day of my SCS permanent implant surgery. I am going to admit, I have a lot of doubt about whether this will work. Or whether it will be just another surgery with an extremely painful recovery (this surgery will probably be MORE painful than my other one.). Am I going to be in extreme amounts of pain after surgery? Is it going to work? Am I going to be crazy disappointed when again I come out and feel awful? Could it mess things up more? ... what if? ... What if? What if?!?!
My heart has been completely overwhelmed with what ifs when I think about this surgery. So I have tried not to. I have also tried really hard lately not to think a lot about God through all this. I have felt lately that I am here alone. I am feeling very "Oh God, why have you forsaken me???"
Two Bible passages have really been speaking to me in my "what ifs" and my "Are you there God?" The first one I heard from the Women of Faith conference this week, from the author Angie Smith.
11 This upset Abraham very much because Ishmael was his son. 12 But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. 13 But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”
14 So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.
15 When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. 16 Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.
17 But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. 18 Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”
19 Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink.
Genesis 22:8-19
In this story, Hagar's "What ifs?" became her "What is!" She was sent away... with only a little bit of human provision (a small thing of water, a bit of bread) and was basically told "Good luck!" by the father of her child. She ran out of human provision. She sat down and couldn't stand to watch her child die.
But then God said to her, "What's wrong? DO NOT BE AFRAID!" Angie Smith pointed out here that God "opened Hagar's eyes." It is possible that the well, which would give her life and strength, was there all along! But she hadn't opened her eyes to God's provisions for her... she was too focused on her "What is" to allow to see God's "What is." And through this, God made a huge line of decendants (now that part gets a little interesting to me that this story was used...) But this is an amazing example of not letting YOUR "What ifs?" get in the way of God's "What is!"
The second passage is one of my favorites.
21 “How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. 22 The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”
23 “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
24 The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:21-24
This reminded me very much of the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness." At Women of Faith, we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. As I was singing it, I was thinking, "Lord, is your faithfulness great? Have you been faithful to me? I am still in so much pain. I have been living like this so long. I can't have kids right now. I can't jump around with my school kids. I can't carry instruments all over. I can't do any of the physical activities I used to love. God, is your faithfulness really great?!?!" As we kept singing,
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilst be
I kept thinking, Lord. I believe this. I believe your faithfulness is great. I believe that you won't change, and your compassions will not fail me. You forever will be great. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. And I kept singing... it being my prayer. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Great. Forever. Lord, I believe.
I do not know what December 17th will bring. And I am sure many more tears of what ifs and fear and "Are you there God?" tears will fall. BUT. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousands beside.
December 17.
December 17.
I can get there.
This is the day of my SCS permanent implant surgery. I am going to admit, I have a lot of doubt about whether this will work. Or whether it will be just another surgery with an extremely painful recovery (this surgery will probably be MORE painful than my other one.). Am I going to be in extreme amounts of pain after surgery? Is it going to work? Am I going to be crazy disappointed when again I come out and feel awful? Could it mess things up more? ... what if? ... What if? What if?!?!
My heart has been completely overwhelmed with what ifs when I think about this surgery. So I have tried not to. I have also tried really hard lately not to think a lot about God through all this. I have felt lately that I am here alone. I am feeling very "Oh God, why have you forsaken me???"
Two Bible passages have really been speaking to me in my "what ifs" and my "Are you there God?" The first one I heard from the Women of Faith conference this week, from the author Angie Smith.
8 When Isaac grew up and was about to be weaned, Abraham prepared a huge feast to celebrate the occasion. 9 But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac.10 So she turned to Abraham and demanded, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son. He is not going to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac. I won’t have it!”
11 This upset Abraham very much because Ishmael was his son. 12 But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. 13 But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”
14 So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.
15 When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. 16 Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.
17 But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. 18 Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”
19 Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink.
Genesis 22:8-19
In this story, Hagar's "What ifs?" became her "What is!" She was sent away... with only a little bit of human provision (a small thing of water, a bit of bread) and was basically told "Good luck!" by the father of her child. She ran out of human provision. She sat down and couldn't stand to watch her child die.
But then God said to her, "What's wrong? DO NOT BE AFRAID!" Angie Smith pointed out here that God "opened Hagar's eyes." It is possible that the well, which would give her life and strength, was there all along! But she hadn't opened her eyes to God's provisions for her... she was too focused on her "What is" to allow to see God's "What is." And through this, God made a huge line of decendants (now that part gets a little interesting to me that this story was used...) But this is an amazing example of not letting YOUR "What ifs?" get in the way of God's "What is!"
The second passage is one of my favorites.
21 “How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. 22 The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”
23 “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
24 The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:21-24
This reminded me very much of the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness." At Women of Faith, we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. As I was singing it, I was thinking, "Lord, is your faithfulness great? Have you been faithful to me? I am still in so much pain. I have been living like this so long. I can't have kids right now. I can't jump around with my school kids. I can't carry instruments all over. I can't do any of the physical activities I used to love. God, is your faithfulness really great?!?!" As we kept singing,
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilst be
I kept thinking, Lord. I believe this. I believe your faithfulness is great. I believe that you won't change, and your compassions will not fail me. You forever will be great. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. And I kept singing... it being my prayer. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Great. Forever. Lord, I believe.
I do not know what December 17th will bring. And I am sure many more tears of what ifs and fear and "Are you there God?" tears will fall. BUT. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousands beside.
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