what if???

December 17.

December 17.

December 17.

I can get there.

This is the day of my SCS permanent implant surgery. I am going to admit, I have a lot of doubt about whether this will work. Or whether it will be just another surgery with an extremely painful recovery (this surgery will probably be MORE painful than my other one.). Am I going to be in extreme amounts of pain after surgery? Is it going to work? Am I going to be crazy disappointed when again I come out and feel awful? Could it mess things up more? ... what if? ... What if? What if?!?!

My heart has been completely overwhelmed with what ifs when I think about this surgery. So I have tried not to. I have also tried really hard lately not to think a lot about God through all this. I have felt lately that I am here alone. I am feeling very "Oh God, why have you forsaken me???"

Two Bible passages have really been speaking to me in my "what ifs" and my "Are you there God?" The first one I heard from the Women of Faith conference this week, from the author Angie Smith.

⁸ When Isaac grew up and was about to be weaned, Abraham prepared a huge feast to celebrate the occasion. ⁹ But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac.¹⁰ So she turned to Abraham and demanded, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son. He is not going to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac. I won’t have it!”

¹¹ This upset Abraham very much because Ishmael was his son. ¹² But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. ¹³ But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”

¹⁴ So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.

¹⁵ When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. ¹⁶ Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.

¹⁷ But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. ¹⁸ Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”

¹⁹ Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink.
Genesis 22:8-19

In this story, Hagar's "What ifs?" became her "What is!" She was sent away... with only a little bit of human provision (a small thing of water, a bit of bread) and was basically told "Good luck!" by the father of her child. She ran out of human provision. She sat down and couldn't stand to watch her child die.

But then God said to her, "What's wrong? DO NOT BE AFRAID!" Angie Smith pointed out here that God "opened Hagar's eyes." It is possible that the well, which would give her life and strength, was there all along! But she hadn't opened her eyes to God's provisions for her... she was too focused on her "What is" to allow to see God's "What is." And through this, God made a huge line of decendants (now that part gets a little interesting to me that this story was used...) But this is an amazing example of not letting YOUR "What ifs?" get in the way of God's "What is!"

The second passage is one of my favorites.

²¹ “How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. ²² The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”

²³ “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

²⁴ The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:21-24

This reminded me very much of the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness." At Women of Faith, we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. As I was singing it, I was thinking, "Lord, is your faithfulness great? Have you been faithful to me? I am still in so much pain. I have been living like this so long. I can't have kids right now. I can't jump around with my school kids. I can't carry instruments all over. I can't do any of the physical activities I used to love. God, is your faithfulness really great?!?!" As we kept singing,

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilst be

I kept thinking, Lord. I believe this. I believe your faithfulness is great. I believe that you won't change, and your compassions will not fail me. You forever will be great. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. And I kept singing... it being my prayer. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Great. Forever. Lord, I believe.

I do not know what December 17th will bring. And I am sure many more tears of what ifs and fear and "Are you there God?" tears will fall. BUT. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousands beside.