Eyes Open

It has been while since I have posted. 3.5 weeks ago, I had the surgery to permanently implant an SCS into my spine. Overall, this surgery has been pretty successful! My leg pain has gone down a lot. My incisional pain is decreasing. I have been trying to walk this week, and I walked 2.5 miles twice this week and my legs and back did not hurt after (I was tired, but not a mess)! I am so thankful for all these things.

Here is the but.

When I turn off the stim, I am right back where I started. Going into this surgery, I thought I had realistic goals for what this would do. I told everyone who asked about it, "this is not a cure. It is not going to fix any problems. It will just be another tool to fight my pain, but without pills." I have decreased my pain meds this week as my incisional pain is down. And this has made me realize how the SCS is masking the pain signals. Last night I woke up with my nerve pain settled in my hips. So in the dark I fumbled around with my remote and tried to get the thing working in the right areas.

Here was my revelation last night. I am most likely permanently injured. I will probably never be completely physically healed.

I am thankful that my quality of life will improve with the SCS. I am thankful I am starting to be able to exercise again. Maybe we can even look at having a baby sometime in the near future. But I will probably always battle pain. I have a tool to fight it and hopefully it will continue to help. However the revelation of being permanently injured has settled in my heart pretty heavily today.

I was searching for some encouragement this morning and came across the road to Emmaus story while reading the book "Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole" by Angie Smith.

That same day two of Jesus’ followers were walking to the village of Emmaus, seven miles from Jerusalem. As they walked along they were talking about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things, Jesus himself suddenly came and began walking with them. But God kept them from recognizing him. He asked them, “What are you discussing so intently as you walk along?” They stopped short, sadness written across their faces. Then one of them, Cleopas, replied, “You must be the only person in Jerusalem who hasn’t heard about all the things that have happened there the last few days.” “What things?” Jesus asked. “The things that happened to Jesus, the man from Nazareth,” they said. “He was a prophet who did powerful miracles, and he was a mighty teacher in the eyes of God and all the people. But our leading priests and other religious leaders handed him over to be condemned to death, and they crucified him. We had hoped he was the Messiah who had come to rescue Israel. This all happened three days ago. “Then some women from our group of his followers were at his tomb early this morning, and they came back with an amazing report. They said his body was missing, and they had seen angels who told them Jesus is alive! Some of our men ran out to see, and sure enough, his body was gone, just as the women had said.” Then Jesus said to them, “You foolish people! You find it so hard to believe all that the prophets wrote in the Scriptures. Wasn’t it clearly predicted that the Messiah would have to suffer all these things before entering his glory?” Then Jesus took them through the writings of Moses and all the prophets, explaining from all the Scriptures the things concerning himself. By this time they were nearing Emmaus and the end of their journey. Jesus acted as if he were going on, but they begged him, “Stay the night with us, since it is getting late.” So he went home with them. As they sat down to eat, he took the bread and blessed it. Then he broke it and gave it to them. Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And at that moment he disappeared! They said to each other, “Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” (Luke 24:13-32 NLT)

Angie Smith points out that the word "Emmaus" meant "warm springs" and that there springs were often used for healing purposes when this story takes place. I find it interesting that as these men were walking toward the "healing springs" they did not recognize Jesus walking with them. Jesus reminds them of all of God's promises to His people. Yet, they still do not recognize Him. As they invite Jesus to stay with them, their eyes are opened. they see how Jesus has been walking with them on the road to healing. And they rejoice in their revelation.

So, where am I on my own road to Emmaus? Do I have my eyes and heart closed off to how Jesus is walking with me? Am I wallowing in my discouragement, or am I inviting Jesus in, and recognizing all His promises for me? The warm springs of Emmaus may not bring me full physical healing. But I must keep my eyes open to the healing that is happening in so many ways, and the presence of my Lord walking along the road with me.