A little humor...

Sarah Lillie's Top 10 Reasons You Might Be a Medical Junkie

10. You send birthday and Christmas cards to the receptionist at your surgeon's office

9. You have a song you wrote that goes to the on-hold music at your doctor's office phone 

8. When you get taken back to your exam room, you think, "Hey, this isn't my regular room!"

7. When a new issue pops up, you have no idea which of your 5 doctors offices to call first.

6. But you don't have to look up any of those numbers because you have them all memorized.

5. When someone answers the phone at your doctor's office and they don't identify themselves, you know which receptionist you are talking to and ask them about their kid/dog/husband/lunch that day.

4. You have to explain your past medical procedures to your doctor examining you, as they are not sure what it is.

3. You can tell the nurse, "no, this vein doesn't give much, but this one in my left hand is good, but careful when you pull the needle out as I am a bleeder."

2. You find the rhythm of an MRI soothing, and you wrote a song called MRI Lullaby that you sing while you are in one... And you are thankful when the most complicated test ordered is "just an MRI".

1. In the middle of the night, you don't need to turn on your light to figure out which medicine bottle you need... You can just shake and know your pills "by sound."

If you can't laugh...

The prayers of the people

Things with my health are not good. The numbness I had experienced from a few weeks ago has now spread through most of my body. We are seeing a neurologist and they are working on performing tests (including a spinal tap) to try and diagnose what is going on. Some very scary suggestions have been given to what is going on. We are in a waiting game to get this all figured out, and frankly, it is terrifying.

In this process, I have had many people comment on how good my attitude is through all this. I do also feel a very deep sense of peace at many points of my day. I am not saying that I am perfect... I have had many times too of complete break down and many tears have been shed. But overall, I have had an okay attitude overall.

I am CONFIDENT this is not of my own doing.

I think back to the story of Esther. Esther had become queen in Persia and had received some terrifying news. News that the King was planning to kill all of her people. Her uncle told her what was happening and begged her to go to the King to stop the murder of all the Jews.

Mordecai: ¹³ Tell Esther, “Don’t be fooled. Just because you are living inside the king’s palace doesn’t mean that you out of all of the Jews will escape the carnage. You must go before your king. ¹⁴ If you stay silent during this time, deliverance for the Jews will come from somewhere, but you, my child, and all of your father’s family will die. And who knows? Perhaps you have been made queen for such a time as this.” -Esther 4:13-14

Esther was very scared to go to the King. If to we're not invited to go see the King, and you decided that you would like to speak to him, and you just showed up, you could be killed! It wasn't allowed. Only if the King found favor with you, and extended his golden scepter to you, would you life be spared. Esther knew this, and knew that one of the King's previous Queens had been killed for something arbitrary (which was what led to her becoming queen). She was terrified to try and go see the queen to convince him to not kill her and her people. But the words from Uncle, "Perhaps you have been made queen for such a time as this," encouraged her that this was what God's will was for her. So she sent these words to her uncle:

Esther: Tell Mordecai, ¹⁶ “In preparation for my audience with the king, do this: gather together all the Jews in Susa, and fast and pray for me. Intercede for me. For three days and nights, abstain from all food and drink. My maids and I will join you in this time. And after the three days, I will go in to the king and plead my people’s case, even though it means breaking the law. And if I die, then I die!”

¹⁷ Mordecai left the king’s gate and put all of Esther’s instructions into action.

The entire community of Jews surrounded Esther in prayer. They fasted for this task she was going to complete. The whole of Esther's people covered her in prayers. Prayers for strength. Prayers for courage. Prayers for the King to show His mercy. They came together and uplifted her to the greatest King.

Over the last few weeks, Bryson and I have also been lifted up and covered in the prayers of "our people." I know many people, near and far, have been praying for peace, for strength, for healing, for endurance, for insurance to quickly approve tests, for doctors to have wisdom to figure out what is going on... For many other things that I am sure I do not know about. I am positive that these prayers are what is getting me through with my "great attitude" that everyone is seeing in me. I am sure that these prayers are what are getting me out of bed every morning and not just pulling the covers up over my head and giving up.

God has not answered the prayers for complete healing yet. If some of the things that are being proposed are true, there probably won't be a complete healing that happens. Maybe there will be if it is some of the "lesser" things they think it might be (which are still pretty scary but possibly curable). But God is sustaining me like crazy right now. he is giving me a peace that passes all my understanding. He is giving me strength to make it through my days at work.

After Esther spent three days in prayer with her people, she went to the King's inner court.

5 When the third day arrived, Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the palace across from the king’s rooms. The king was sitting on his throne facing the palace entrance. ² He was pleased when he noticed Queen Esther waiting in the court. He extended his gold scepter with his hand, inviting her in. Esther walked toward him, and when she was close enough, she reached out and touched the king’s scepter.

The prayers of Esther and her people spared her life with the king. The story continues that Esther finally does ask the king to spare her people, and he grants her request (as well as executing the man who was responsible for the plot to kill the Jews). Today, there is a festival, Purim, that is celebrated through gifts of food and drink, charity to the poor, and a celebratory meal, to commemorate the way God provided for the Jews and the way God worked through Esther, who was made queen "for such a time as this".

I don't know why I have taken ill as I have. I know that maybe it will someday be made apparent, that I went through all of this medical trial for "such a time as this." Perhaps it is for people to see the way God's prayers have worked through me to show a "great attitude" while I am also scared out of my mind. Perhaps it is for some other reason that I have no idea of yet. However, I am so thankful for the prayers of my people. The prayers that are keeping me going. The prayers that are sustaining me. The prayers that are reminding me of God's faithfulness and sovereignty during this time.

Thank you for your prayers... And keep them coming.

In your everlasting arms

All the pieces of my life

From beginning to the end

I can trust you

In your never failing love

You work everything for good

God whatever comes my way

I will trust you

Hello Lord?

I woke up Monday morning, and my feet were numb. They were tingly and I didn't have much sensation in them. I thought it was weird, but kind of brushed it off.

By night time, the numbness had moved into my groin and bootie. I started getting scared. New numbness could mean something pressing on the nerves in my spine.

By Tuesday, the numbness now was in my legs. I got terrified.

All sorts of things went through my imagination. I searched on the internet. All sorts of new things started running away with my imagination. My SCS rep told me in the doctors office later, "You canNOT webMD yourself!" Probably good advice... as I had convinced myself I might have MS.

As all these fears were running through my mind, the P.E. teacher at my school posted on Facebook:

Read in Jeremiah this morning ; "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you..." What a great God that in spite of my flaws and follies he will always be faithful. What grace!

I told him thank you for posting, thank you for the reminder. Yet, I did not feel in my soul that God has always been faithful to me. In the face of fear, I did not have confidence that God would be faithful during this new trial.

I listened to a couple songs of Sara Groves on the way to the doctors office. The first song was a reminder of the verse Max had posted earlier that day.

Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine. Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways. All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. - He's Always Been Faithful

I heard the words, and again, I thought, "God, I don't feel very provided for right now. I don't feel like you are being faithful if I have to go through another back surgery." The next song said:

Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you. - Hello Lord

This one resonated a bit more. I was feeling very abondoned by God's voice today. I could not believe that after a few months of really being somewhat okay with my pain, I was back into a very scary place, where everything seemed to be falling apart again. I couldn't hear God speaking to me. I couldn't feel that it was going to "be okay."

We went to the doctor. They said there is a possibility that my nerves are just inflamed and angry from all the extra activity we did in Chicago. They put me on a steroid to help calm the nerves and reduce inflamation. If that does not work, then there might be something more wrong. There could be scar tissue pressing on the nerves. There could be another disc problem. There could be something else. I might have to have a myelogram again (those are horrid tests) since I can't have an MRI with my implant now.

I am feeling like I am coming out of the "unending shadows of death’s darkness" a little bit, and hoping that the steroids take care of it. But I am still a little scared that it won't be "that easy." It never seems to be that easy for me.

I am still having a hard time today feeling the words "He's always been faithful to me" really feel like truth. However, I find the more I tell myself, "He's always been faithful... He's always been faithful... He will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:8)... There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:38-39)... The Lord will be with us wherever we go (Josh. 1:9)... The Lord is my strength and my defense (Is. 12:2)..." the more I believe it (and the more I am thankful for my years in AWANA).

God has spoken through these verses to me. He spoke through the 30+ people who have posted on my Facebook wall that they are praying for me. He has spoken through the ways his grace and love has carried me through in the past.

I am still scared. I am still feeling a little doubtful right now of God's faithfulness. However, God is speaking to me. I may not be hearing so well right now, but I know He is there. I know He is speaking. I know He allows me to sit with him. He is telling me to wait right now. To trust. It might not "be okay." But I am trying to remember that yes, God has always been faithful to me.

Keep speaking to me, Lord. I am trying to listen.