Hello Lord?

I woke up Monday morning, and my feet were numb. They were tingly and I didn't have much sensation in them. I thought it was weird, but kind of brushed it off.

By night time, the numbness had moved into my groin and bootie. I started getting scared. New numbness could mean something pressing on the nerves in my spine.

By Tuesday, the numbness now was in my legs. I got terrified.

All sorts of things went through my imagination. I searched on the internet. All sorts of new things started running away with my imagination. My SCS rep told me in the doctors office later, "You canNOT webMD yourself!" Probably good advice... as I had convinced myself I might have MS.

As all these fears were running through my mind, the P.E. teacher at my school posted on Facebook:

Read in Jeremiah this morning ; "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you..." What a great God that in spite of my flaws and follies he will always be faithful. What grace!

I told him thank you for posting, thank you for the reminder. Yet, I did not feel in my soul that God has always been faithful to me. In the face of fear, I did not have confidence that God would be faithful during this new trial.

I listened to a couple songs of Sara Groves on the way to the doctors office. The first song was a reminder of the verse Max had posted earlier that day.

Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine. Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways. All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. - He's Always Been Faithful

I heard the words, and again, I thought, "God, I don't feel very provided for right now. I don't feel like you are being faithful if I have to go through another back surgery." The next song said:

Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you. - Hello Lord

This one resonated a bit more. I was feeling very abondoned by God's voice today. I could not believe that after a few months of really being somewhat okay with my pain, I was back into a very scary place, where everything seemed to be falling apart again. I couldn't hear God speaking to me. I couldn't feel that it was going to "be okay."

We went to the doctor. They said there is a possibility that my nerves are just inflamed and angry from all the extra activity we did in Chicago. They put me on a steroid to help calm the nerves and reduce inflamation. If that does not work, then there might be something more wrong. There could be scar tissue pressing on the nerves. There could be another disc problem. There could be something else. I might have to have a myelogram again (those are horrid tests) since I can't have an MRI with my implant now.

I am feeling like I am coming out of the "unending shadows of death’s darkness" a little bit, and hoping that the steroids take care of it. But I am still a little scared that it won't be "that easy." It never seems to be that easy for me.

I am still having a hard time today feeling the words "He's always been faithful to me" really feel like truth. However, I find the more I tell myself, "He's always been faithful... He's always been faithful... He will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:8)... There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:38-39)... The Lord will be with us wherever we go (Josh. 1:9)... The Lord is my strength and my defense (Is. 12:2)..." the more I believe it (and the more I am thankful for my years in AWANA).

God has spoken through these verses to me. He spoke through the 30+ people who have posted on my Facebook wall that they are praying for me. He has spoken through the ways his grace and love has carried me through in the past.

I am still scared. I am still feeling a little doubtful right now of God's faithfulness. However, God is speaking to me. I may not be hearing so well right now, but I know He is there. I know He is speaking. I know He allows me to sit with him. He is telling me to wait right now. To trust. It might not "be okay." But I am trying to remember that yes, God has always been faithful to me.

Keep speaking to me, Lord. I am trying to listen.