Joy in the Pit of Despair

This weekend has been a rough one on my health. I have just felt icky all weekend. My hands hurt like crazy. My squeezing in my ribs hurts a lot today. I have started getting horrid, sharp nerve pain in my legs again. I am struggling like crazy with fatigue and memory problems. I woke up this morning for the first time in awhile with the first thought that entereed my mind being, "I am so stinking tired of all this pain... I just want it to REALLY stop."

Through my back problems, playing music was such an outlet. I would process through a lot of stuff by closing the door to the study and just play the piano and guitar for hours, worshipping, reminding myself of all the promises God has given me. However, with the issues I have now with my hands, playing the piano hurts and it is very unsuccessful many times. I can't use my pinky and can barely use my ring finger. So I am playing with three fingers. My fingers physically will not go some places on the guitar. The pick slips and I can't feel it slipping, and it starts sounding weird, and I realize it has turned all the way around. I have no sense of where my fingers are unless I am looking at them, and I think, "woah! The sounds way off!" and I look down and realize my hand is 2 frets higher than it should be.

This weekend I was working on a song called, "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. The words to one of the verses said,

 

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
 

I felt it was super ironic to sing these words as I was struggling so to play the notes. This one outlet I had in my life to really feel close to God, to bask in his presence, to internalize His word and His promises is feeling like it is being stripped from me. I don't feel like whatever this is that is stripping my hands of the ability to play music is a "perfect way." I don't really feel like God is being faithful to me in feeling like I can't worship anymore.

The song goes on,

 

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.

The Bible is full of God's examples of His faithfulness to people after many struggles. Mary. Hagar. Sarah. Job. David. Abraham. Joseph. The list goes on and on.

Yet, today I am really trying to rest in the words of Paul. Paul didn't really ever just have his life just fall in to place like some of these people. He was in and out of prison. He had some sort of "thorn" he dealt with that he kept askingGod to take it away, but it seemed God never did:

⁷ To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! ⁸ I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; ⁹ and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. ¹⁰ I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

However, Paul wrote some of the most joyful passages in the Bible:

¹⁸ Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us.  - Romans 8:18

 

 ²⁸ We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan.  - Romans 8:28

 

³⁸ For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, ³⁹ height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

 

³² Instead, think back to the days after you were first enlightened and understood who Jesus was: when you endured all sorts of suffering in the name of the Lord, ³³ when people held you up for public scorn and ridicule, or when they abused your partners and companions in the faith.  ³⁵ Remember this, and do not abandon your confidence, which will lead to rich rewards. ³⁶ Simply endure, for when you have done as God requires of you, you will receive the promise. - Hebrews 10:32-33, 35-36

 

 ¹² Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always just around the corner. Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer. - Romans 12:12

and of course, the most famous passage on joy:

 

⁴ Most of all, friends, always rejoice in the Lord! I never tire of saying it: Rejoice! ⁵ Keep your gentle nature so that all people will know what it looks like to walk in His footsteps. The Lord is ever present with us. ⁶ Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. ⁷ And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One. - Philippians 4:4-7

The whole book of Philippians was thought to be written while Paul was in prison. And not the prisons like we have today... but where he may have been sitting down in a deep hole in the ground, chained to a wall, with no light or windows. Paul was really in the Pit of Despair. I think to the Princess Bride scene where Wesley finds himself in the Pit of Despair. There is no hope of escape, and all that he will know there is torture.

Yet, he did not let the Pit of Despair bring his spirits into the Pit of Despair. He still rejoiced in God's goodness. He knew that God was faithful even when his circumstances suggested otherwise. He knew the promises that God had for him and he trusted that God would provide all He needed.

Buttercup's love gets Wesley through his pit of despair in the Princess Bride. It even gives him the opportunity to only be "mostly dead" instead of losing all hope of life.

True love. This is what revives Wesley. He goes from mostly dead to full of life (even if he has to be carried the whole way in and out of the castle). God's true love revives Paul's spirits while He is in the Pit of Despair, and gives him life and joy again.

I hate that I can't play music right now. I hate that even writing this blog has been super painful on my hands. I hate that I feel like my ways of worship and reflection seem to be taken away from me. I unfortunately don't have a magic pill with a chocolate coating to make it go down easier that will transform my spirits magically to joy. But as the days go by, I hope that I can look to the way Paul approached his life in the Pit, knowing that God would set his feet upon the Rock, and he would have joy. And rest in God's true love to bring me life again, in whatever form that is.

 

Have fun storming the (joy) castle! Think it'll work? It will take a miracle!

 

²² How enduring is God’s loyal love;
the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.
²³ Here they are, every morning, new!
Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.
²⁴ Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

 - Lamentations 3:22-2

A reminder of hope

Yesterday a dear friend of mine from Missouri sent me flowers. I got home, and there was a box from 1800Flowers on my doorstep. I opened the box to beautiful lily buds. Almost none of them had bloomed yet, but I put them in the water and a vase.

When I came down this morning, a lot of the buds had started opening and blooming in beautiful colors.

When I sent my friend a thank you last night, she was disappointed in the fact that the flowers were not in bloom yet. Yet, this morning when I woke up, the blooms over the time passing was such a reminder of hope to me. Sometimes, we finish our day defeated, in pain, struggling with fatigue and sorrow. Yet, we need to remember the hope that a new day brings. Hope of fresh starts. Hope from the promise that God's mercies are new every morning. Hope that one day, we may wake up with colors more beautiful than we could ever imagine filling our lives with beauty.

Thank you dear friend, for the flowers, but also for my reminder to stay hopeful. While I may be in a time right now of waiting and sorrow, I know that soon my flower will bloom and again bring beauty and color from the pain of today.

2 Jesus leads us into a place of radical grace where we are able to celebrate the hope of experiencing God’s glory. 3And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, 4which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. 5And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.

Romans 5:2-5

And I wait.

Patience is not one of my finer virtues. I have gotten a little better over the years, but overall, I don't wait well for things. I get impatient easily with people who take too long, I get frustrated when I can't get something I want right away, I make quick decisions and act on them... whether they are super great decisions or not.

I had a pastor who every week during the pastoral prayer would pray for "those who were waiting for medical tests." I thought every week that that was a nice prayer, but kind of thought it was silly to pray for it every week. I now know, it is not. I have learned a whole new level of impatience in the last week and a half... Waiting for medical tests.

10 days ago I had some pretty serious medical tests. There are some serious things they are looking for that are related to my whole body numbness I have been dealing with. I had blood drawn, a spinal tap and detailed pictures taken of my spine after dye was injected in my spinal fluid. The tests were rotten and horrid. The waiting for results is worse.

They told me about 3-4 days at the hospital... And I did speak with my doctor to hear that my spine looked fine, but the big tests we are still waiting for. So Thursday I got impatient and called to see if they had heard. No call back. So I called yesterday. They had the results! But... The doctor had not gone over them yet, and he was not in, so eve n though the tests are back, I still have to wait through the weekend.

My mind has been going crazy playing the "what-if" game, and there have been lots of tears shed. That is all added to the fact that I feel horrible most of the time due to whatever is going on. I want to get things figured out. I want a treatment plan. I want it to be fixed.

I have prayed all week, "Let the tests come back today, Lord!" Obviously the answer has been no this week. I kept praying, and praying... And yet, I heard no answer.

I did some reading on waiting this morning. Elisabeth Elliot wrote,

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: thy will be done." –Elisabeth Elliot

I have been begging all week, "Lord, just let me know what is wrong with me!" I have been so distracted all week by this looming over my head. And every moment I am not thinking about it, I am just trying to distract myself with other things: pouring myself into my teaching, immersion into the television, hanging out with family. I have tried to fill my mind with so much noise so I did not have to think about everything. 

What I have not been doing is letting God bear with me in love and patience. I have not been praying "Thy will be done." I have not been being still, and knowing that He is God. I also read in one of my devotion this week, 

Let the dew of my presence refresh your mind and heart. So many, many things vie for your attention in this complex world of instant communication. The world had changed enormously since I first gave the commandment to be still and know I am God. However this timeless truth is essential for the well-being of your soul. As dew refreshes grass and flowers during the stillness of the night, so My Presence revitalizes you as you sit quietly with me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

My soul has been so consumed with worry and noise, I have not allowed room for God to come in and refresh me. Every prayer has either been "woe is me" or "why are you allowing this God?"  and even in a bad moment, "I am so mad at you, God!" as well as "I want to know RIGHT NOW God!" I have not sat and said, "Here I am, Lord. Let me be still and let you wait with me, let You love me, and hold me during this time of uncertainty. Let your will be done as we wait."

I will definitely pray now for those who wait for medical tests, always, and this week i have learned how to pray. Not pray for the outcome, not pray for it to come back soon. But pray that in the waiting, the love and peace that Christ brings is felt in hearts. Pray that in the stillness of the night, God refreshes the spirit of the weary. Pray that God's will be done is the prayer spoken and felt.

So, I wait. I wait with God's love over me. I wait with God's strength as my foundation. I wait with my hope not in the results, but in God alone. I will wait in the arms of my God, who knows suffering himself.

My soul quietly waits for the True God alone, because I hope only in Him. He alone is my rock and deliverance, my citadel on a high hill; I will not be shaken. Have faith in Him in all circumstances, dear people. Open up your heart to Him; the True God shelters us in His arms. - Psalm 62:5-6, 8

Amen.