Be held

I am very medically unique. (That sounds better than "just short of a disaster of a body")

3 back surgeries in 13 months.

A spinal cord stimulator implant (I have met one other person in person who has one)

Severe nerve damage and beginnings of RSD like symptoms.

Still fairly bad back pain at times.

And now MS.

I often feel VERY alone. Trying to describe what it is like to live through every day to other people in itself exhausts me. I often feel like many people have no idea and could never understand what a day in this body is like. I feel like I am living on my own little island of medical disaster. 

I think that often I tend to REALLY push people away when I am having a bad day. I clam up. I shut down. I cave in on myself. I have been told many times when I am really in my hole of defeat and despair, "Don't attack your support system!"

And I feel often like God has forgotten about me. And things keep piling up and making me feel worse and worse, I wonder sometimes if God is even listening to my pleas for comfort and peace and to feel Him walking beside me and decrease my pain. And I cave even more inward.

This evening, I was driving home and heard the song, Be Loved by Christy Nockels. The words spoke deeply to me.

Have you ever let yourself be held by the one who holds this world

Have you ever told your soul to rejoice that His arms are open wide

You could even try to run away but He'd come running after you

So just be held, be held, He holds you

As these words came over my speakers, tears rolled down my face. When we turn inward and focus on our pain, it is so easy to miss all the love that is around us. All of those who are praying for me (many who I do not even know.) A caring husband who is always there for me to cry on, keeps me fed and stays by my side, even when I try to push him away. Friends who are always there to listen and make me laugh. A God who does love me, who welcomes me back even when I try to run away. Why is it so hard to let myself be held by those who love me? Who care for me? 

It is so easy to turn inward and wallow in your misery. You make yourself vulnerable when you open yourself up to be held by people. To be loved by people. To run into open arms that are always there, no matter what you do. It is easier to let yourself focus on your pain instead of open your wounds and scars for others to see. But oh, the rejoicing and ability to let go when you let yourself be held.

Christy Nockels has another song, Healing In Your Hands, that also brought tears to my eyes this week.

No sickness, no secret

No chain is strong enough

To keep us from Your love

To keep us from Your love

How deep? How strong?

Now by your grace I stand

Healing is in Your hands.

 Maybe for you it is not a disease or a pain problem. Perhaps it is fear. Perhaps it is stress. Perhaps it is anger. Perhaps it is a broken relationship. But if you can reach up to peek your head out of your hole, you can see the love around you. From people. From God. From the beauty of creation. And oh, the healing that can take place from this love, and from letting someone hold you.

Thank you to my support system... To my friends, my family, my God, who never cease to love and pray for me, and who always are there with arms open wide, and let me just be held. So much love to you.

Truth is...

In January we went back to the doctor to discuss all my "issues". With some new evidence in my symptoms, I was offered treatment for MS. Some of my new symptoms "suggested the presence of other lesions" which could give me a diagnosis. We decided to wait for now and see if there are possibilities for us to have a family before fully delving into this diagnosis.

Since all this started, I was pretty sure with my research that I was probably dealing with MS. I was not surprised and shocked when the doctor finally said he thought that was my diagnosis in January. I had spent time grieving all of it back about September. But I always hoped that the symptoms that I was experiencing would have a time of "remission". That there would be times again that I might go back to normal.

Doctor said probably not. The damage has been done to my central nervous system. I will probably never get the feeling back and the constand, unrelenting horrid pain out of my hands. I will probably feel constant fatigue for the rest of my life. I will get "buzzing" in my feet frequently and experience bad vision issues.

I am also 29.

If I live a "standard" life, I have another 40ish years to experience these wonderful things. And these are just the constant things... It doesn't count waiting for another debilitating flare-up, or other side effects that may continue to pop up.

40 years.

When I look at it this way... Whew. That is completely overwhelming. Sometimes a day is hard enough to get through, let alone a week... And I have to deal with this for YEARS?

Recently, I have had some people say, "I am praying for full healing for you." How nice would that be? Complete healing? And so many people are praying for that for me. For a miracle. For no more pain. For full restoration. Not dealing with this for years.

And yet, I wait.

If so many people are praying, then why the heck am I still sick? Why can I only play music with lots of pain? Why do I feel like I am going to collapse from exhaustion most of the time? Come on God, are you there? I am praying this, others are praying this. Do I not have a heart right with you? Are you not listening? Are you even real? Because if you are, I am pretty mad at you.

I recently started a book called, "The Storm Inside: Trade the Chaos of How You Feel for the Truth of Who You Are" by Shelia Walsh. In her book, she talks about how no matter how you feel, you must hold on to the truths that you know. The Bible is full of examples of heartbreak, sadness and despair.

9 Even still, I will say to the True God, my rock and strength:
    “Why have You forgotten me?
Why must I live my life so depressed, crying endlessly
    while my enemies have the upper hand?”
10 My enemies taunt me.
    They shatter my soul the way a sword shatters a man’s bones.
They keep taunting all the day long,
    “Where is He, your True God?”

-Psalm 42:9-10

Yet,  no matter what I am feeling, there is truth. Even when I am feeling like I am alone, truth is... I have a huge support structure of family and friends. Even when I feel like I cannot go on, truth is... There is strength and smiles that get me through every day. Even when I feel like 40 years is too long to live like this, truth is... I will be blessed with many things that are not defined by my illness. And when I wonder why God doesn't love me enough to grant me healing when many others are healed of illnesses, truth is... His affection and love run deeper than I could ever comprehend.

The Eternal your God is standing right here among you

and He is the champion who will rescue you.

He will joyfully celebrate over you;

 He will rest in His love for you; He will joyfully sing because of you.

Zephaniah 3:17

And as I hold on to those truths, instead of how I feel, the hope will follow. Walsh writes in her book, "...truth leads to hope. Truth is a lighthouse on a stormy, pitch-black night that steers us clear of the feelings that would wreck us." Psalm 86:11 says 

O Eternal One, guide me along Your path
    so that I will live in Your truth.
Unite my divided heart so that I will fear Your greatname.

So, truth is... This is not an easy path. Truth is... I will have many hard days. Truth is... I will have many more tears shed over it in the rest of my journey.  Truth is... I am NOT alone. Truth is... I may not be healed ever. But Truth is... How He Loves Us So. Truth Is... All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. Truth is... How great His affections are for me.

How wonderful that all these remain true, today, tomorrow, and in 40 years, no matter what I am feeling.