Be held

I am very medically unique. (That sounds better than "just short of a disaster of a body")

3 back surgeries in 13 months.

A spinal cord stimulator implant (I have met one other person in person who has one)

Severe nerve damage and beginnings of RSD like symptoms.

Still fairly bad back pain at times.

And now MS.

I often feel VERY alone. Trying to describe what it is like to live through every day to other people in itself exhausts me. I often feel like many people have no idea and could never understand what a day in this body is like. I feel like I am living on my own little island of medical disaster. 

I think that often I tend to REALLY push people away when I am having a bad day. I clam up. I shut down. I cave in on myself. I have been told many times when I am really in my hole of defeat and despair, "Don't attack your support system!"

And I feel often like God has forgotten about me. And things keep piling up and making me feel worse and worse, I wonder sometimes if God is even listening to my pleas for comfort and peace and to feel Him walking beside me and decrease my pain. And I cave even more inward.

This evening, I was driving home and heard the song, Be Loved by Christy Nockels. The words spoke deeply to me.

Have you ever let yourself be held by the one who holds this world

Have you ever told your soul to rejoice that His arms are open wide

You could even try to run away but He'd come running after you

So just be held, be held, He holds you

As these words came over my speakers, tears rolled down my face. When we turn inward and focus on our pain, it is so easy to miss all the love that is around us. All of those who are praying for me (many who I do not even know.) A caring husband who is always there for me to cry on, keeps me fed and stays by my side, even when I try to push him away. Friends who are always there to listen and make me laugh. A God who does love me, who welcomes me back even when I try to run away. Why is it so hard to let myself be held by those who love me? Who care for me? 

It is so easy to turn inward and wallow in your misery. You make yourself vulnerable when you open yourself up to be held by people. To be loved by people. To run into open arms that are always there, no matter what you do. It is easier to let yourself focus on your pain instead of open your wounds and scars for others to see. But oh, the rejoicing and ability to let go when you let yourself be held.

Christy Nockels has another song, Healing In Your Hands, that also brought tears to my eyes this week.

No sickness, no secret

No chain is strong enough

To keep us from Your love

To keep us from Your love

How deep? How strong?

Now by your grace I stand

Healing is in Your hands.

 Maybe for you it is not a disease or a pain problem. Perhaps it is fear. Perhaps it is stress. Perhaps it is anger. Perhaps it is a broken relationship. But if you can reach up to peek your head out of your hole, you can see the love around you. From people. From God. From the beauty of creation. And oh, the healing that can take place from this love, and from letting someone hold you.

Thank you to my support system... To my friends, my family, my God, who never cease to love and pray for me, and who always are there with arms open wide, and let me just be held. So much love to you.