healing

Since surgery I have been working hard healing. It has been a very productive time. When mostly all I can do is lay on the couch or in bed, I have a lot of time to get things done. Here is my "Post-Op Accomplishment List"

• I have read Sarah's Key, Something Blue, and Bossypants. Bossypants was my favorite by far and I often truly laughed out out MANY times. Highly recommend.
• Watched Season 1 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 2 of Modern Family
• Watched half of Season 6 of How I Met Your Mother
• Watched a few movies, including Titanic, Meet Me in Saint Louis, Star Trek (that one was B's choice)
• Discovered pinterest, and have decided on my style for various rooms in our future house, teaching ideas, and wall decorations
• Consumed quite a bit of pharmaceuticals
• Eaten and frozen a massive amount of food from our friends

I have another 2 weeks off work, so I am sure I will get much more accomplished. Next week, my plan is to master Rock Band guitar, and today starts the Lilliehouse Thanksgiving Tradition of a 3 day marathon of all the Lord of the Rings extended edition movies. Yup, we're cool like that.

Overall, healing has been quite a bit slower than I expected. I have gone through many times of feeling pretty down, but have been hanging in okay. I still have a lot of numbness and some nerve problems when I am standing, but am thankful I can be somewhat comfortable while laying down. The neurosurgery nurse told me that hopefully by about day 14, things should be much more calm with everything.

We also took off the bandage today... a nice little picture of my new, cute tramp stamp. I can't wait to show it off over the top of my cute low rise jeans.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of all." - Psalm 34:18-19

surgery!

I am home recovering now! Yay! I have a very numb leg and pain that gets pretty intesne in that leg, but they said that is all understandable due to the digging they did in the nerves.

A couple pics from the last days.

Before surgery with all my IVs and wires.

After... not quite as peppy

Doing stairs with the physical therapist. I've mastered my old lady walk

I'm home! And looking gorgeous by the way.

a cake to cut

My birthday is on Wednesday, but we celebrated tonight due to crazy schedules the rest of the week. My wonderful husband made me this cake last year, due to my recent back injury and all the meds I had been given to try and fix me.

This year, I am pretty sure he topped it. 16 days until surgery!

I think we need to stop watching Cake Boss at the Lillie house.

Counting down...

We are continuing to be patient in God's timing and trying to remain hopeful for success from surgery. Pain levels have been horrid lately, and we are counting down days... and today Bryson suggested I make a paper chain. So, in the spirit of counting down, we have 17 days! Excited to rip off a chain link tomorrow.

...there is a season

This weekend has been rough. (For the record, ultimate pin blaster is not a good game to play with 1st graders for one with a bad back!) I was wishing this weekend that I had decided to go for an earlier surgery date. While I want so badly to have the surgery soon and hopefully find some relief from pain, I feel the need to be around for some things in the next few weeks. I felt very torn about waiting all the way to the middle of November to try and find some relief, but be able to finish some things out opposed to taking the first available appointment. I know that God's timing is perfect though. These verses were comforts to me this evening.

"This vision is for a future time.

It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,

For it will surely take place.

It will not be delayed."

-Habakkuk 2:3

"At just the right time I will respond to you. On the day of salvation I will help you. I will protect you and give you to the people as my covenant with them. Through you I will reestablish the land of Israel and assign it to its own people again." - Isaiah 49:8

Parts of the book of Isaiah were written during a time of huge struggle for the people of Israel. They had just been conquered by the Assyrians. They had been forced to live in a way that was unfamiliar to them. They longed for the peace and familiarity they were used to. If the Israelites were anything like me, they wanted to return to their times of peace and healing NOW. But God didn't solve their problems right away. The Lord did promise that the time when they would return to their land would come. And God kept that promise. Even though it wasn't in the same timing of the Israelites. We have to trust that God will keep His promises to us. He hears us when we cry out to Him. He lifts us out of our sorrows and sadnesses. He will steady our feet as we walk.

I want surgery now. Actually, if I was honest, I wanted healing without surgery about 16 months ago! Yet, for a reason unknown to me, this was not God's timing. I have to trust that His timing is perfect and that He will answer my prayers.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

Out of the mud and mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked around."

-Psalm 40:1-2

reality check

I know often I post about my health. This is an everyday reality for me, but today I was given a little reality check.

A lot of times I get so frustrated when others complain about their little ailments. When someone tells me "Oh, my back is hurting a little today, I must have a stiff muscle" I get SUPER resentful and want to scream "Oh yeah? I DON'T CARE." Or when someone tells me they are tired (I do give a break to those with kids :)...), I want to tell them, "Yeah? Were your comps and thesis due last week? And you spent 30+ hours working on them, plus working your two jobs? While you were in intense physical pain the whole time???" I have noticed my empathy has been completely lacking the last few months.

Tonight I read a CarePages blog of a childhood friend I have, who's 7 year old son has leukemia. What a reality check. Who am I to be non-empathetic? Who am I to get upset? How selfish I have been. I should be loving, caring and compassionate, not holding my problems above everyone else. Thankfully, Christ is the model for love and compassion when my selfishness gets in the way.

We sang this song at church today, and I was in tears. I will end the blog with a quote from this song:

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane I am the tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and glory.

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful you are

And how great your affections are for me.

And Oh, how He loves us so.

Oh, how He loves us,

How he loves us so.

Did you know September is Chronic Pain Awareness month? I found this on the American Chronic Pain Association website today.

Ten Steps

Ten Steps from Patient to Person

Making the journey from patient to person takes time. The isolation and fear that can overwhelm a person with chronic pain grows over time. And the return to a fuller, more rewarding life also takes time.

It’s a journey with many phases. The ACPA describes these phases as Ten Steps.

The ACPA’s Ten Steps For Moving From Patient To Person.

STEP 1: Accept the Pain
Learn all you can about your physical condition. Understand that there may be no current cure and accept that you will need to deal with the fact of pain in your life.

STEP 2: Get Involved
Take an active role in your own recovery. Follow your doctor's advice and ask what you can do to move from a passive role into one of partnership in your own health care.

STEP 3: Learn to Set Priorities
Look beyond your pain to the things that are important in your life. List the things that you would like to do. Setting priorities can help you find a starting point to lead you back into a more active life.

STEP 4: Set Realistic Goals
We all walk before we run. Set goals that are within your power to accomplish or break a larger goal down into manageable steps. And take time to enjoy your successes.

STEP 5: Know Your Basic Rights
We all have basic rights. Among these are the right to be treated with respect, to say no without guilt, to do less than humanly possible, to make mistakes, and to not need to justify your decisions, with words or pain.

STEP 6: Recognize Emotions
Our bodies and minds are one. Emotions directly affect physical well being. By acknowledging and dealing with your feelings, you can reduce stress and decrease the pain you feel.

STEP 7: Learn to Relax
Pain increases in times of stress. Relaxation exercises are one way of reclaiming control of your body. Deep breathing, visualization, and other relaxation techniques can help you to better manage the pain you live with.

STEP 8: Exercise
Most people with chronic pain fear exercise. But unused muscles feel more pain than toned flexible ones. With your doctor, identify a modest exercise program that you can do safely. As you build strength, your pain can decrease. You'll feel better about yourself, too.

STEP 9: See the Total Picture
As you learn to set priorities, reach goals, assert your basic rights, deal with your feelings, relax, and regain control of your body, you will see that pain does not need to be the center of your life. You can choose to focus on your abilities, not your disabilities. You will grow stronger in your belief that you can live a normal life in spite of chronic pain.

STEP 10: Reach Out
It is estimated that one person in three suffers with some form of chronic pain. Once you have begun to find ways to manage your chronic pain problem, reach out and share what you know. Living with chronic pain is an ongoing learning experience. We all support and learn from each other.

Peace in the squeeze

Yesterday I had my fourth MRI in a year. The doctor thinks I have a benign tumor on one of my nerves in addition to a pretty bad buldging disc. He wanted to do another MRI before we do surgery. I have learned to do pretty well in MRIs. If you've never had an MRI, they are not super pleasant. You go in a small tube that just barely big enough for you, and it is VERY loud and noisy. Mine have lasted between 30-45 minutes. The one yesterday, I also got the joy of an IV and contrast being injected in my veins. I close my eyes and sing praise music in my head to the rhythm of the machine. My third MRI was at Research Hospital and they asked me if I wanted to listen to music. I said, "Sure!" They said, "What do you want to listen to? We have everything." I said, "Um, how about jazz?" So they played jazz. I ended up blocking out the music eventually to go back to my usual praise music in my head. Yesterday, I asked, "Do you use Pandora? Can I listen to Audrey Assad?" It was the most incredibly peaceful moment of my whole week. Things have been absolutely crazy at school and getting thesis work. But even in a small tube with loud banging going on, I felt completely at peace. Some Hillsong, Audrey Assad and other wonderful music played. I can't remember all of what was playing, but I did listen to the words. One song talked about God being there, through the tears and the pain. I felt God holding me yesterday through that test. I know that God is with me through all of this. There are often times where I only see darkness, and do not feel this peace. I may not always feel it like I did yesterday, but I hold to the words of Desert Song by Hillsong (which is one song that came on!):

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that is in my feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame.

We all go through times of squeezing. Whether it's in an MRI tube, at a job, or at home, hopefully you can feel peace through the trials by relying on the Lord even in the tight times.

Lord, through all trials, grant us your peace. Let us remember to worship You in the desert, in the fire, in the trials, as well as the harvest. While your will may not be to heal the body right now, please stay with us, walk with us, and hold us. Refine us. Remind us of your presence when all we can see is darkness, and bring us out of the darkness into the peace of your love and grace.

...have your way

We are sitting on another eve of yet another doctor's appointment. The appointment tomorrow will go over all the nasty tests that I have had the last few week. Tomorrow, life could drastically change with a solution to my pain. Or it could remain the same. Once again, I am praying for peace and patience with the appointment tomorrow. The last few days have been awful and I've barely been able to walk. I feel like I shouldn't hope, but yet once again, I am hoping, praying and pleading for a solution. I know that MY will is to be healed, NOW. I know that God's will is for me to be healed... but on His timing. I don't know why I haven't been healed yet, but I am trying to trust God's plan.

There has been so much music that has spoken to me through these times. These are a few truths, through music, that have gotten me through the last 16 months.

Brit Nicole, Have Your Way

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

But I'll trust you, God, with where I am

And believe that you will have your way

Just have your way.

Jars of Clay, Valley Song

Though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed, greater waters

Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of your mercies

That lead me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy.

Audrey Assad, Show Me

Bind up these broken bones

Mercy bend a bring me back to life

But not before you show me how to die

... God, for now, just stay with me.

Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm

But once again I say "Amen," and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls,

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I am with you."

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

All these songs have the same idea. God is bigger than our pain. It may not be healed right now. But God is with me. He will lead me with His mercies through this valley. I will learn more how to trust God through this grief, and he will stay with me. So, as I wait for another night to find out what is going to happen tomorrow, I try and rest in the Lord through these words of truth of others. And once again, I try to remember that I'll trust you God, with where I am and believe that you will have your way. Just have your way.

"Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." - Hebrews 10:36

hope

This is a paragraph from the book I'm reading, Patient Endurance by Kari Bailey that I read this morning:

Whatever you do, don't lose hope for your healing and wholeness. Fight for what is rightly yours. Keep seeking God for wisdom to guide your next step. As discouraging as going from one doctor to the next and trying procedure after procedure has been, it has proved to be the right move for me. I wish I could have got the solution right the first time, but God in His sovereignty has allowed me to hop from place to place, trying new things. Though He has allowed me to suffer much pain in the process, nothing is wasted in the Kingdom of God, and He will use everything for his glory... When we have God, we are never without hope. Don't give up, and don't give in. The Lord will give you what you need to endure until the end.

My Ebenezer

Tomorrow is my visit to the surgeon. I am very anxious but have been trying to trust in God's plan. My prayers are filled with requests of peace for whatever is decided. Should it be surgery, I pray for peace for how it will effect my school year and the process of the surgery itself. Should they not decide to do surgery, I pray for peace for trying to decipher what road I need to take next. I am praying for continual acceptance of my limitations, whatever they may be this year. I will continue to try to do grace and not stuff.

One of my favorite hymns ever is Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. Verses two says "Here I raise my Ebenezer". This does not mean that you are holding up an old crotchety man from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. This is in reference to a verse in I Samuel 7:12. The Israelites had been in battle with the Philistines, and the people had told Samuel to not stop crying out to the Lord. He made a sacrifice to the Lord, and when the Philistines attacked, God helped the Israelites defeat the Philistines.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying "Thus far the Lord has helped us." So the Philistines were subdued and they stopped invading Israels territory. Throughout Samuel's lifetime, the hand of the Lord was against the Philistines. - 1 Samuel 7:12-13

Thus far, the Lord has helped me. I have been given many Ebenezers in people's prayers, help, kind words and love. I know He will continue to give me Ebenezers no matter what may come.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God;

He to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.

Do grace

I am a do-er. I love to be doing things. I am doing grad school. I am doing my thesis. I am doing my research. I am doing a 4.0 grade point average in my graduate degree. I am doing my teaching job. At my teaching job, I am doing committees and extra classes and extra clubs. I am doing my church job. I do choir and praise band and media and sound set up. I do Sunday School for the kids during part of the summer. I am doing my job as a wife. I do dinner, I do cleaning, I do grocery shopping. I do extra things to make my friends feel special. I do surprise parties, cupcake dates, fun nights out. Even when we're sitting around in the evening with the TV on, I am frequently doing.

This morning, I was reading the book Patient Endurance, which is written by a young woman close to my age who lives life in chronic pain from back problems. Today I was reading about accepting your limitations. I wrote down a couple quotes in my journal about limitations.

"I do have to accept the here and now and submit to its limits and boundaries."

"When you accept your limitations, you are not giving up on your faith or your hope of being healed."

I journaled about my limitations, how I have a very real time limit on activity, how my house is never clean because scrubbing bathtubs picking up is difficult. The next couple questions to journal on were "How do I accept my limitations and surrender my will to God?" and "What does God want to teach me?" I believe what God wants to teach me, is this. It's not about doing. I don't have to do everything that I once did. It's about showing the love, grace, compassion and peace of God to those around me. I don't need to be teacher of the year. But I need to show my kids love and grace and compassion. I don't need to run everything at church. I need to demonstrate how God is working through me and empower others to do some of the jobs that I can't. I don't need to have a spotless house to show my husband I love him. But I do need to take time to show him love and patience. I am going to try (yes, try... I know I will stumble) to let God take away some of my doing. Instead, as this school year starts, my goal is to do grace. To do love. To do compassion. To do peace. To do rest in God.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations... At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and I begged God to remove it. Three time I did that, and He told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength is all you need... Now I take limitations in stride and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down in size... I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. -2 Cor. 12:7-10 (Message)

Show Me

Today, I discovered Audrey Assad on a friend's Facebook page. Her song writing is the best I have heard in so long. The song that I have fallen in love with is called Show Me. Audrey describes this song as a song of redemptive suffering.

"It's about not wanting God to take away the pain just yet because I know it's worth something," she said. "And I have something to learn so just leave me here for right now, but be with me."

I don't have much else to say about the song that I haven't expressed in previous blogs, but it really spoke to me today. After my injection I had a really bad couple days, but that is been followed by a good couple days. I have no idea what the path for healing holds in store for me, but as I do continue to pray for healing, I pray harder for God to be here with me through it all.

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

Exodus 17:8-13

The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."

So Joshua found the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever hie lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained stead till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

Much thanks to all who are holding up my hands through this battle!

Not much optimism

I told a friend the other day that I only try to blog my optimistic thoughts. The pessimistic thoughts come all too often without me holding on to them over the blogisphere. She told me to blog the bad stuff too, because God is in that as well. So today, a not as chipper post.

Not feeling overly optimistic today. My head is spinning a little from the research I am doing for my thesis. Sometimes I really feel like I am probably way off on my theories I am putting forth. Am I reading the research studies right? Am I really making good comparisons? Do I have any idea what I am talking about? I'm feeling pretty jealous of all my teaching buddies who are having great summers hanging with their kids and going on great trips while I sit at home and work my tail off. Any time I do get to go out, I can only handle an hour or two before I am hurting too much. I am sure it will be worth it when I have a copy of thesis in hand, but I would really like to get to play for a couple days too without being in pain. Today I am really struggling with it all being well with my soul.

Mark 9:24 - "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"

The plans...

Today I read a blog of one of my friends from high school. Heather was a good friend of mine when I was a freshman in high school and she was a senior. Her post today was about their search for a new home, and it reminded me about God's plan for our lives. Our plans most likely don't always match up with God's plans. Let's just say, my plan doesn't really mirror my reality these days. I didn't think that at 26 years old a coffee date with a friend would make me have to go lie down and take some meds. However, as I was rolled into my second MRI machine of the year this morning, I could feel God's presence calming me and letting me know that though my plans don't match up with His right now, he is holding me through this trial. I don't know why God has this plan for me right now, but I do know that I am learning the meaning of great line of the old hymn, "Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

My grace is sufficient for you

I haven't blogged before about my back issues, because I hate to complain about it. But today is the year "anniversary" of my injury. One year ago I suffered an injury to my back. After many, many, many journeys through different treatment options, I still have pain on a daily basis. I have some days where I am optimistic about eventual healing and the pain is less. I also have some days where I am in such intense pain all I can do is give all that I have to make it through the day so I can go home and cry from the pain and from frustration and fear.

This post is not an attempt to get people to feel sorry for me or to get for advice on what to do. Instead, I want to offer hope to any who are suffering or may know someone close to them suffering on a daily basis from "a thorn", as Paul calls it in 2 Corinthians.

A few months ago, I read this verse in Adam Hamilton's book Why: Making Sense of God's Will.

"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. " - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This verse has helped me realize how much I must rely on Christ's grace to give me strength and hope. It is through His grace that His power is perfect, especially in our weakness. Through our weakness, we have to give up relying on ourselves and look to God to fill us with his peace, power and hope. I have found that I cannot rely on my health to get me through the day, but with God's presence in my life I can peacefully say that he will sustain me. When I am weak, I am strong through Christ! I hope that this verse brings you some hope and peace whether you are dealing with physical pain, emotional turmoil or any other weakness. I do not know whether God will heal me tomorrow, next year, or not for another 10 years, but I will continue to try to rely on God's sufficient grace for me.

I will end with a word of hope from a song called The Valley Song by Jars of Clay.
"I will sing of your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow, to rivers of joy."

P.S. - I am also reading this book, which I highly suggest for anyone who may be dealing with chronic pain: Patient Endurance by Kari Bailey