Oh baby!!!

Well hello,

Little baby.

Your eyes have never seen the sun

You should know now,

Little baby.

That I am the lucky one!

-J.J. Heller, I Get to Be the One

 

I am 28 years old. It feels a little bit weird to think that this year I will be 29. That is almost 30. And 30 is pretty old. Like, really. :) It's like it is time to be an adult and grow up.

 

A ton of my friends right now are getting all good and knocked up (well... I guess it is really "having children" when you are married and starting a family...) and having super precious little babies. Oh, they are so cute! My best friend from college just had her little girl, Nora, this last weekend. I have loved seeing all the precious pictures of her sweet little daughter. I will also soon have a new little niece in July, and I am super excited to shower her with gifts like I have been able to do with my precious nephews that I love more than the world. I love these new sweet lives.

 

For some reason, I have had multiple people ask me in the last week too, "Are you going to have babies?" and "How will the SCS effect your ability to have kids?" Another teacher asked me this in the hall yesterday. I have had a couple of rougher days with nerve pain the last few days. I started crying, and said "Yes, I really want to have kids, and we are hoping to try this summer, but I am really scared about how my body is going to handle a pregnancy."

 

If I hadn't been injured, we probably would have shot out a kid by now. We have been married for almost 5 and a half years. It seems like a good time. We have good jobs, a house to put said child, and great family support around us. But we have had to wait to see if I could get some pain in control so I could carry and care for a child.

 

I imagine that the pregnancy will be rough. There is a lot of conflicting information about how an SCS can be used during pregnancy. There is not any conflicting information about using pain pills during pregnancy (don't do it!). I am still taking about 2-3 pills a day with the SCS on. But it isn't just about the pregnancy. I remember chasing after my precious nephew one afternoon, and being in so much pain just from trying to keep up with him. How is that fair to a little one... and how do they understand "Mommy is hurting, so I can't run with you right now." ? I remember after my SCS surgery, my nephew came in and seemed so confused as to why Auntie Sarah wasn't playing chase and on the floor playing with him. You can't explain that to them.

 

So, lately, I have been sad about my baby. My heart longs for a little one. I want to start a family really badly. We are still hoping that with a team of doctors, it will be possible. We will see this summer....

 

But last night, it really hit home how much I am a mom right now. I work as a teacher for 600 kids at an elementary school. A lot of our kids don't have parents around at home a lot. They come from poverty, and lots of my kids have parents working super hard at minimum wage jobs... or perhaps maybe some other reasons... but parents aren't around much. Last night I stayed at school late and was playing in the gym with a little girl who I can tell has been really needing some extra love lately. I don't know what is going on at home, but I can tell from her behavior with her and her siblings that something lately has not been right. We danced together, and hung out, and I sung with her, and we talked. I went into the office and sang with her brother too in something he was working on for the talent show. Every morning, I have lots of kids who come and give me hugs, who want to say hi, who I can tell really want me to love them. And I do. I love them lots. They are such wonderful kids and I am so lucky I get to care for them for time during the day. I made little prizes for them during our TCAP testing that said "You are such SMARTIES! I know you will do great on TCAP!" I got to show these kiddos how much I believe in them. One of my friends has really been stressing to me in the last few months how Ican be a great school mommy for these kids.

 

So, I don't have a baby with me and Bryson's DNA yet. I don't know how that will work out when I do. I do hope to one day sing this J.J. Heller song to my own little baby. But I have 600 kids at school who need me right now. And I am so blessed to get to care for them and show them what it looks like to have someone who believes in them in their life. And we will continue to enjoy sleeping till 8:30 on Saturdays and spur of the moment dinner dates. I am super blessed.

 

I get to be the one to hold your hand

I get to be the one.

Through birthdays and broken bones

I'll be there to watch you grow

I get to be the one.

ink me!

Tonight I am working on my tattoo that I have wanted to get for the last two years. I kept saying, "Oh, I will get it after THIS surgery, when I am better."

Well, I might never be better. But it is time to do this to symbolize my journey through the last three years.

The tattoo will have the words "Patient Endurance" and "Heb. 10:32" to symbolize my life verse during this time. It will also have three birds to symbolize the three major back surgeries I have had. I am considering a lightening bold to be striking one of the birds to symbolize the electricity from the SCS. (...kidding...) The tattoo will be in the middle of my back, right below the neck line of a shirt.

I write this, knowing that I will have people (ahem... mom... dad... grandma... ) who will be saying "You are doing WHAT?"

But as I have dreamed and designed this tattoo... it is more than a tattoo.

It is war paint in a war I have had with pain for 3 years.

It is a symbol of healing in the trials I have gone through.

It is a sign of God's faithfulness through this time, and his faithfulness that will continue as I continue this journey with pain.

It is a representation of the freedom and flying away from the bondage that pain has had on my life and hope of soaring to a "new normal".

Trying to design and sketch has made me think, as I form each letter, about each step of the journey. From moving boxes. To having physical therapy. To working when I could barely walk. To injections. To people bringing us food. To help in cleaning our house and doing our laundry. To the love and prayers that have gotten me through.

So yes, friends, April 28 I will no longer be allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. But I will have my battle paint to show of what has been and what is to come.

Mourn

My last post was full of such hope.

Tonight, I am feeling mournful of my health.

There are going to be good days and bad days still. Days where the SCS makes me feel great. Days where the SCS almost does it and a little bit of meds makes it better. And days where the SCS and meds are used, and I still don't feel great.

I had someone tell me today, "oh, you will be healed! I know God will make it happen." This injury has really made it apparent to me that God's plan for everyone is not full physical healing. There may be healing in the acceptance of a disability. There may be healing in walking three miles... Even though one used to run 8 miles a day. There may be healing in showing love to others in their times of similar health issues. There may be healing in the mourning of health still not 100%. But I have learned to not tell people that I know they will get better.

So, there will be good times with my health. There will be mourning of my health. And there will be healing. It just might not look what I thought might one day a few years ago.