I'll be there and I'll cover you
I've longed to discover something as true as this is...
I have often been the patient. But this week I am the care giver. I joking posted today, "if we have no other strength in our marriage, at least we have the in sickness covered. Someday I look forward to seeing what and in health is like." A few weeks ago I blogged about the role reversal of my husband and I with his knee injury (see my post on role reversals here). This post is not so much about a role reversal as it is the actual surgery day, and what it is like to be the watcher, not the patient on surgery day.
When we went into the hospital, I helped husband fill out forms. I went to the business office and worked on the payment aspects before surgery. I listened super closely to the doctor to make sure I knew exactly what the surgery would entail. But what shocked me the most about being on the other side of the surgery was the worry. When I walked in after Husband had been prepped, it shocked me how much seeing him in his hospital gown and hair net frightened me.
During my surgeries, I really didn't think much about my attire before the surgery. I spent time in the back without Husband there getting prepped. It was a gradual transformation of going from person to patient. And I was so focused on "what is this going to be like" opposed to "what do I look like?"
When they took Husband back, I waited for about 20 minutes before I went back. Then when I got back there, it was a shock to me at the transformation to being a patient. It was a reality. I was about to give my love over to the hands of the doctors. And that was super scary. Part of the fear had to do with we didn't know what the surgery would be. Would it be arthroscopic or would they have to cut all the way? Was the recovery going to be sort of easy or very difficult? The hospital attire put so much fear in my heart.
But. I didn't want my fears to be transferred to Bryson. Yesterday my job was that of the care giver. To hold hands. To reassure to some extent. To be strong. Husband was scared himself. It was my turn to be the rock. I always thought before my surgeries that Husband probably was not worried. He always seemed so calm. I have since learned that he was just as worried as I... But he didn't want to show it to me. So yesterday I held it together. I prayed. I helped with medical information. I held it together.
Well, almost. I did tear up a little when I was kissing him goodbye as he went in the operating room. That was so hard... To watch the man that is my best friend, my whole world, be wheeled away where I couldn't be and couldn't help, and where he would be the most helpless. But I am sure no one would have wanted my help in that OR anyway.
Then I went and waited.
And waited.
I was thankful for my crochet as I waited.
I always slept through the waiting part. Not yesterday! I got to be the one wondering how it was going. Wondering if he was doing ok with the anesthesia. Scared that "something" might happen. Every time the door opened where the doctors came out, I turned hoping it was Husband's surgeon.
When the waiting was over, task mode came in. How to care for Husband. How much to ice. How to operate a new machine to help with his healing. What to watch for in case a complication arose. How to get him in the car and on the couch.
It has been a huge eye opener to see what it is like to be the person who is the support system in the surgery process.
My absolute favorite musical is Rent. In this show, one of the characters is a caregiver in the end of life for his boyfriend who is dying of AIDS. They sing a very cute song together in the first act called "I'll Cover You."
Just slip me on
I'll be your blanket
Whenever, whatever I'll be your coat
Collins reprises this song after his lover dies. It is one of my favorite moments in all of Broadway. It is the song of giving of ones self to the other person. When you're cold and you're lonely. It is a song of searching for something more to do when the other person is hurting, but you know there is not much more you can physically do to help. When your heart has expired. It is the song of a care giver. When your worn out and tired.
I am still having my eyes opened all the time to what it is like to be on the other side of surgery time. But my darling, I'll Cover You. And I have lots of kisses to spare, when you are worn out and tired, when you are cold and you're lonely. I'll Cover You.
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