It is a box. And it made me cry when I got it.
It came with a book called The God Box, but I knew before I even saw the book what the box was. I helped my friend pick one out for her husband the day before their wedding. She has told me much about these boxes she has. This box is a place to put all my hopes, fears, worries, gratitude. It is a place to put all my prayers.
I was so excited when I got it. There is so muc going on right now that I could probably fill it in one night if I wrote down everything, But I had not used it yet. Every time I started to open it, a wave of fear came over me.
One of the stipulations of the God box is that once something goes in, it cannot come out. When you put it in, you are giving it to God to take care of. And there is a lot in my life right now that I just am not sure that I can really give all to God. I don't feel like I can trust Him to take care of it... I need to hold on to it.
There have been so much of this journey that I have trusted God wholeheartedly. When all my back problems started, and even at the beginning of these new trials I have gone through, I started very sure that "He's always been faithful, I trust that God will take care of this too."
But with every new test that is scheduled and no results come from it, with every new question that comes up from the lack of results, and with every "you need more surgery" (Husband this week), I have felt a little bit of that trust that I felt and a whole lot of hope seep away. And with every bit of hope and trust that I felt go away, I feel like God is farther and farther away from me.
Why would I put something in a box as a prayer to God when he keeps saying, "no" or "wait now" to every prayer that is whispered at night, that is sung every morning as I drive, that is said through sobs. Why would I symbolically put it in the box when I don't trust God to really take care of it? When I am so angry at Him for not taking care of me?
I was walking the dog tonight, which is often my time to really clear my head. My music was playing, and Audrey Assad's Show Me song came on. The song chorus says:
Bind up these broken bone
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die
As I was walking, I thought, "How much more, God, do I need to be shown how to die before your mercy breathes over me?"
Apparently, a lot, if I cannot even surrender writing down a simple prayer to go in a box.
It is about surrender. And not just one moment of surrender and then all is better. Surrendering constantly. Every moment. I will probably have to write the same prayer to go in the box multiple times. I can be ok with that. I want to be able to "follow the rules" and make that one paper prayer the last time I worry about that issue. But that will not be how it is for me right now. Surrender will be a daily thing... An hourly thing... A minute by minute thing. And I think that is okay.
The end of the song says:
So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild current flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me,
God, for now, just stay with me
There is a prayer in the box right now. A simple prayer of surrendering. Not even a big request like total healing of my broken body. Just a prayer for hope. But a big surrender. Surrendering my despair and trusting for hope. And for now God, before you let me disappear into a deeper beauty, as you reveal your hope to me, just stay with me. For now just stay with me.
All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all
No comments:
Post a Comment