The doctor gave me a diagnosis of myelopathy. My understanding is this means there is something wrong in my spinal cord, probably in my neck. There are a bunch of things that fall under this category. I was not really given a treatment plan. I was told the numbness in my hands and arms is probably residual from my "episode" I had in August and it may never go away. I was told another "episode" would be an indicator that I might have MS. But I could never have another one.
And that is that. Not much to do, just try to manage the pain in my hands and wait to see if my whole body blows up again. Not super encouraging.
A lot of thoughts have gone through my head. Everything from, "Thank goodness, we are at the end of this investigative process" to "Is my body going to blow up again in a few weeks?" to "What does this really mean for me" to "How can I live the rest of my life with these issues and never really having something to do about it?"
I walked into the nurse's office at school after my appointment yesterday. She had written on a small sticky note on her wall, "Emmanuel... God with us." It was so simple. Just a few words on a sticky note that had been quickly scribbled down.
At this time of year we sing songs that we have sung for years. O Holy Night. Joy to the World. O Come, O Come Emmanuel. Yet we often don't stop and let the words really resonate in our souls, due to their familiarity. Think on these words... a thrill of hope. and wonders of His love. disperse thou gloomy clouds of night. Those familiar words can hold such power when we stop and think about them.
I grew up singing many songs that had the words "Emmanuel, God with us" in the lyrics. But when I saw it written down on that simple sticky note, it hit me hard. The name that was given to Jesus was "God with us". God walking with us. God sharing our pain. God WITH us. He does not leave us to walk these paths on our own.
God is not healing me right now, and the possibility of living with so much limited use of my hands, vision issues, horrid pain, memory problems and incredible fatigue, not to mention the possibility still of one day waking up being numb from neck to toe again scares me. I am still trying not to think about it much, and still process (a shed some tears) when I do think about it. Yet I know God still has so much for me to do, and He is Emmanuel, God with us, and I hope that through it all I can prove the wonders of His love.
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