This weekend, we got to visit our second home in Kansas City, Missouri. We spent the first 4 years of our marriage and a very pivotal time of our life in Kansas City developing our love for each other and making a family away from our biological families back in Colorado. We spent so much great time with wonderful people who we love dearly.
This morning we got to go to church where both Husband and I were on staff. I loved getting to see all these people who I used to get to spend time with every week. Yet, when you go away, and you leave with some exciting medical issues, and then develop more issues along the 2 years of absence, you get the question from every person you see:
"And how are you feeling?"
How to answer this. I guess it depends on who is asking. To respond to some people, it's maybe a white lie: "Oh, doing ok!" To others it might be: "I am working on and feeling pretty stable these days." And still to others: "If I make it through the days upright and without crazy pain, then I am happy."When I answer this question, I always hear from people, "Oh, you have such a good attitude about it! You can even talk about it with a slight smile on your face!" I usually answer, "Well, you just have to. If you don't, you will be a broken pile of mess."
Here is the secret: I am a broken pile of mess. Ask my husband.
To all these people who I don't see frequently, I can put on a smile for a couple hours, get through standing to talk to people, give hugs, and try and make everyone believe I am ok. Yet, when it get home and to my closest friends, they see the brokenness. And I often take it out on them. While many people give me so much prayer from afar (and I do appreciate that so much, don't get me wrong!) it is the people closest to me who have to experience the brunt of my grumpiness, my sorrow, my depression. I am broken, but only some people really see this.At the wedding my husband officiated this week, I watched this young couple, excited to start their lives together. I remember once being that young couple, saying the words, "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" and not realizing really what "for worse" could entail. And then, they got to, "In sickness, in health..." and the tears started flooding my eyes. My husband promised me this almost 7 years ago. When I said this almost 7 years ago, I thought, "Oh, a good bout of the flu... Definitely, in sickness! We could do that!"
I am sure that my Husband was not thinking that after 2 years of marriage, the "In sickness" part would overwhelm our marriage. Yet, he has stuck by me. He has been there for me through it all... Through back surgeries 1, 2 and 3; through months of testing; through the scariness of what could be; to more testing; to a final diagnoses. And now, through painful injections, through days when I struggle to climb the stairs, through it all. And he is the most amazing man through it all. He held my hands as I got used to the injections. He comes to all my doctor appointments. He takes care of the household chores, like cooking and grocery shopping and cleaning that I struggle to manage. I see in the MS boards so many people who have stories of spouses that leave, that say "I am divorcing this disease, not you" (yeah...), that run when things get tough. And mine sticks by me and gives me all he is.I am so appreciative of all he does. So how do I repay him? Usually with surliness and grumpiness when I get home from a day of showing everyone that I am "Ok." He is repayed for a fabulous meal he cooks by me barely able to hold a conversation because I am so exhausted and in so much pain from my day.
Why do we do this to those we love dearly? Why do we put on a brave face for the world only to come to be mean to the ones who support us the most?
Because I am broken.
Yet, a covenant of love can restore me.I also heard this weekend about what love in marriage should be. The pastor performing the ceremony spoke about a love covenant. It is not a contract. In a contract, each party gives something and is required to give something back in return. Yet, a covenant is a timeless, sacred promise. A covenant is a pledge of love. "In sickness and in health." A promise of life together.God's love for us is a covenant. A promise to never leave us. To always love us. "If His grace is an ocean we are sinking." An overwhelming flood no matter what we do. No matter how broken we are.Hillsong United has a new song, Broken Vessels. The words describe this covenant love so beautifully.
All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free...
Oh I can see You now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
Raising up the broken to life. Our broken bodies, our broken emotions, our broken souls. God's loving covenant to us.
A love covenant in a marriage means we will see each other at our best, and our worse. But in our worse, we still love each other. It is sometimes so easy to take this for granted. The people who are not in a love covenant to us can take us or leave us, so we give them our best sometimes and forget those who are the most important in our life. We do this with God too. We know he is there, and will always be there, so we just push ahead, giving the world our all and saving what is left for God.We need to remember to balance. To stop during the day and take time to breathe, to close our eyes, to feel God's presence. We need to remember to not run around crazy all day so that when we get home, we have no energy and "for better" time for those who are important. It is okay to still show love to everyone around us. I believe one of the gifts God has given me is to show others that even through suffering, there can be peace. There can be joy. There can be hope. But don't forget to save some of that for those who know you best too.
Raise my brokenness to life, Lord. Remind me of your covenant. And thank you, Hubby, for always loving me in my sickness, in my worse.
This morning we got to go to church where both Husband and I were on staff. I loved getting to see all these people who I used to get to spend time with every week. Yet, when you go away, and you leave with some exciting medical issues, and then develop more issues along the 2 years of absence, you get the question from every person you see:
"And how are you feeling?"
How to answer this. I guess it depends on who is asking. To respond to some people, it's maybe a white lie: "Oh, doing ok!" To others it might be: "I am working on and feeling pretty stable these days." And still to others: "If I make it through the days upright and without crazy pain, then I am happy."When I answer this question, I always hear from people, "Oh, you have such a good attitude about it! You can even talk about it with a slight smile on your face!" I usually answer, "Well, you just have to. If you don't, you will be a broken pile of mess."
Here is the secret: I am a broken pile of mess. Ask my husband.
To all these people who I don't see frequently, I can put on a smile for a couple hours, get through standing to talk to people, give hugs, and try and make everyone believe I am ok. Yet, when it get home and to my closest friends, they see the brokenness. And I often take it out on them. While many people give me so much prayer from afar (and I do appreciate that so much, don't get me wrong!) it is the people closest to me who have to experience the brunt of my grumpiness, my sorrow, my depression. I am broken, but only some people really see this.At the wedding my husband officiated this week, I watched this young couple, excited to start their lives together. I remember once being that young couple, saying the words, "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" and not realizing really what "for worse" could entail. And then, they got to, "In sickness, in health..." and the tears started flooding my eyes. My husband promised me this almost 7 years ago. When I said this almost 7 years ago, I thought, "Oh, a good bout of the flu... Definitely, in sickness! We could do that!"
I am sure that my Husband was not thinking that after 2 years of marriage, the "In sickness" part would overwhelm our marriage. Yet, he has stuck by me. He has been there for me through it all... Through back surgeries 1, 2 and 3; through months of testing; through the scariness of what could be; to more testing; to a final diagnoses. And now, through painful injections, through days when I struggle to climb the stairs, through it all. And he is the most amazing man through it all. He held my hands as I got used to the injections. He comes to all my doctor appointments. He takes care of the household chores, like cooking and grocery shopping and cleaning that I struggle to manage. I see in the MS boards so many people who have stories of spouses that leave, that say "I am divorcing this disease, not you" (yeah...), that run when things get tough. And mine sticks by me and gives me all he is.I am so appreciative of all he does. So how do I repay him? Usually with surliness and grumpiness when I get home from a day of showing everyone that I am "Ok." He is repayed for a fabulous meal he cooks by me barely able to hold a conversation because I am so exhausted and in so much pain from my day.
Why do we do this to those we love dearly? Why do we put on a brave face for the world only to come to be mean to the ones who support us the most?
Because I am broken.
Yet, a covenant of love can restore me.I also heard this weekend about what love in marriage should be. The pastor performing the ceremony spoke about a love covenant. It is not a contract. In a contract, each party gives something and is required to give something back in return. Yet, a covenant is a timeless, sacred promise. A covenant is a pledge of love. "In sickness and in health." A promise of life together.God's love for us is a covenant. A promise to never leave us. To always love us. "If His grace is an ocean we are sinking." An overwhelming flood no matter what we do. No matter how broken we are.Hillsong United has a new song, Broken Vessels. The words describe this covenant love so beautifully.
All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free...
Oh I can see You now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
Raising up the broken to life. Our broken bodies, our broken emotions, our broken souls. God's loving covenant to us.
A love covenant in a marriage means we will see each other at our best, and our worse. But in our worse, we still love each other. It is sometimes so easy to take this for granted. The people who are not in a love covenant to us can take us or leave us, so we give them our best sometimes and forget those who are the most important in our life. We do this with God too. We know he is there, and will always be there, so we just push ahead, giving the world our all and saving what is left for God.We need to remember to balance. To stop during the day and take time to breathe, to close our eyes, to feel God's presence. We need to remember to not run around crazy all day so that when we get home, we have no energy and "for better" time for those who are important. It is okay to still show love to everyone around us. I believe one of the gifts God has given me is to show others that even through suffering, there can be peace. There can be joy. There can be hope. But don't forget to save some of that for those who know you best too.
Raise my brokenness to life, Lord. Remind me of your covenant. And thank you, Hubby, for always loving me in my sickness, in my worse.
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