Sure on this shining night

I have not blogged in awhile. I have started a blog similar to this a couple of times, but just could never find the words that I was really searching for. I am hoping that today, these words may find the path I have been searching for.

Sure on this shining night

Of star made shadows round

Kindness must watch for me 

This side the ground

Darkness. Darkness has such a bad connotation to it. We see times of darkness as times of despair and sorrow. When night falls, we turn on all the lights of our houses to keep the darkness from our homes.

I have really felt myself to be in a time of darkness for some time. I have been searching frantically for the light of God to fill me during this dark time. I have, for most of my life, spent many years in church. Growing up, we were in church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night unless we were violently ill. I have always known the presence of God, even if I did not feel it.

When my body was hit with MS, at first, even through my time of sorrow, I still knew that God was there. The last few months though, it has been harder and harder to believe God is walking with me through this journey. The motions of church have felt so hollow. The times I spend trying to find God's voice for me in prayer just leave me feeling more empty. I have had some major difficulty with just making it through the day lately. And I keep asking, "Where is God in all this darkness?"

I have been searching for a sign, searching for some light in this time of darkness. I have been reading a book by former Episcopal priest and theologian, Barbara Brown Taylor called, Learning to Walk in the Dark. In this book, she speaks of John of the Cross, a monk who was imprisoned in a monastery prison for helping to lead reform in the Carmelite Order in the late 1500s. When he was in prision, he wrote a work, The Dark Night of the Soul. Barbara Brown Taylor summarizes one of the central ideas of the work, stating, 

"One of the central functions of the night, he says, is to convince those who grasp after things that God cannot be grasped. In John's native Spanish, his word for God is nada. God is no-thing. God is not a thing... He does not try to teach by saying what God is... He teaches by saying what God is not, hoping to convince his readers that their images of ideas and about God are in fact obstacles between them and the Real Thing."  

As I read this, it resonated with me. I have spent so much time in this dark time, trying to grasp on to God, trying to hold on to all the teachings I have been given from birth to now. I could not find my idea of God to hold on to and make fit into "my box" of my dark night. Barbara Brown Taylor continues, saying,

"I do not believe I am describing a loss of faith in God here. Instead, I believe I am describing a loss of faith in the system that promised to help me grasp God not only by setting my feet on the right track but also by giving me the right language, concepts, and tools to get a hook in the Real Thing when I found it... After so many years of trying to cobble together a way of thinking about God that makes sense so that I can safely settle down with it, it all turns to nada. There is no permanently safe place to settle. I will always be at sea, steering by stars."

God is not the idea I have about him. God is not the teachings I have had my whole life. God is not my comfort during the safe times. God is not promises about what benefits I will receive if I follow him. God is not time of pray for me to feel closer to God. John of the Cross says that all these things are substitutes for God. He says that the dark night is God's best gift for you, intended for your liberation.

When we cannot see the path, when we cannot see the hand in front of our face, when we cannot find a light to go to, this is when we are most vulnerable. This is when, whether we feel God's presence or not, we can stay in that moment, and let the dark envelop us to surround us with what God truly is.

One of the most powerful works I have sung in a choir is the song Sure On This Shining Night by Morten Lauridsen. The words of this song were written by poet John Agee. The poem speaks of how, in the darkness, all is healed, all is health, and hearts are whole. This beautiful work transforms the idea of a dark night into a shining night, where all is well. Yet, in the last line, we know that the poet has not truly found everything he is searching for yet. But hope is present in his quest during this dark, yet shining night.

Sure on this shining night
Of star made shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far alone
Of shadows on the stars.

John Agee and John of the Cross I believe had the same idea. It is in the dark where we find nothing, yet the presence of God brings health and healing. It is in the dark where we find our hearts whole. Learning to walk in the dark times is a gift. When we walk in the dark, and don't try to just walk towards the light, it is here where we find the presence of God. This presence may look different than we think, but it is in this dark where we may find our hearts are whole.

So for now, I will walk through this shining night. Shining with not what I think God is, but what His presence truly is. I don't know what that is yet, but I do know that this time of darkness may be a period of liberation from what I thought I knew God was. I think I might have some time left to walk through this dark, but I have hope that someday I may find that all is healed, all is health.

Sure Sure on this shining night
Of star made shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground. - See more at: http://allpoetry.com/Sure-On-This-Shining-Night#sthash.jPbET8Zr.dpuf