I was about 8 when I knew I wanted to teach music.
I was about 10 when I knew I wanted to teach elementary music. i had an amazing elementary music teacher.
I was about 19 when I knew I wanted to teach children in poverty.
And I was 28 when thoughts of "can my body handle my profession?" have crossed my mind.
I have often blogged about my job. I am madly in love with it. I love the kids I am teaching every day. I tell people I mostly get to just play all day. We sing, we dance, we play instruments, we have fun. I have had so many kids this year tell me, "Mrs. Lillie, music is so fun!" I work hard to make it fun... So fun they do not know they are learning a huge amount of things about music.
But elementary music is a very physical job. I sit on the floor. I bounce around. I am on my feet most of the day. This is a hard job for someone who deals with constant pain. And I am a crazy music teacher too. I give everything I have to my job. I try my best to give so much love and energy to my kids and my school. I might go a little above and beyond at times (hmm... Almost all school concert at an outside venue in 2 weeks?)
I need to back off. Desperately. But I get so caught up in the love of my job, I forget. Even when my legs are screaming. Even when my back is killing me. I do wonder how much longer I can keep doing this too.
Thinking of quitting my job due to health concerns makes me so sad. Right now, I am going to continue being stubborn and work another year. I will need to alter my work to continue. It is essential I do so to continue.
For the last 20 years, I have identified myself with being a music teacher. It has been a huge part of my identity. I hope I can continue. But, someday much earlier than I ever hoped, I might have to back off. I might have to go part time.
I often get frustrated, and wonder why if God gave me the talents for being a great teacher, why I would have to be consider quitting. Most of use know the verse of Jeremiah 29:
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Eternal, "plans for peace, not evil,mot,give you a future and hope - never forget that. At that time, you will call out for Me, and I will hear. You will pray, and I will listen." - Jeremiah 29:11-12
These are pretty words. Beautiful words. But... What is the story behind these words? Especially behind Jeremiah 29. Israel has rebelled against God. God said, "you don't need to ally with other nations... Rest in me." Israel says, "uh, we are scared! We need to rest in the alliances of other nations!" God then basically says, "hmm... Try that out. Let's see how it goes."
It does not go well.
The people of Israel are conquered, and taken into exile from their home land. They are taken away from their safety. From everything they know. Taken away from their home. From their identity. God says, "Now is the time for Me to bring hardship on them, so they may be found." (Jeremiah 10:18).
Chapter 29 is Jeremiah's letter of hope to the people. But he also does not sugar coat it. He tells them to "Build houses - make homes for your families because you are not coming back to Judah anytime soon. Plant gardens and eat the food you grow there." (Jer 29:5). But there is still hope of God's promise. A promise that God has not forgotten them. Jeremiah knows that one day God will store His people to the land of promise.
"You will look for me intently, and you will find Me. Yes, I will be found by you." Says the Eternal. "I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations where you've been scattered... I will bring you back to the land that is your rightful home." - Jeremiah 29:13-14
Sometimes I feel like I am in a land of exile... Like I am living in an old lady's body, unable to do the things most 28 year olds take for granted. I am really not sure what God's promise and treasure for my life is. It might be stripping of my music teacher identity, so I can "be found." It might not be. But I am thankful that God's promise for me is that His plans for me are good. And He hears when my tears fall at night, and He hears me call put to Him. I might have to live in this land for awhile, and eat the food here, but I know some how, some way, God has promised that His plans a good.
So today I am still Mrs. Lillie, music teacher. And I will try to live in this land in peace, resting in His promise for me.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Tattoo design
Read about my previous tattoo post here
Today we had an awesome sermon about how God understands us, he loves us and he feels every tear we cry. Jesus came to earth and felt the pain and sorrows of a human, but God the father is one with his son, so God also understands our sorrows. But His love encircles us.
Before I left for church today, I read a devotion by my favorite devotion author, Angie Smith from Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole. She was talking about the sparrows, and the verse how God cares for the sparrow, so how much more does he care for us? She was reading about sparrows, and learned:
"This particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, it's cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. The , it is able to hear its master and will learn to sing.... And in that place of feeling left alone, unwanted, disregarded, abandoned, He whispered to my weary soul. Sing, love." (Devotion: He Loves You)
So, now, this is my tattoo design. Symbols of God's love wrapped around me, and joining together all the parts of God the Father, God the Son, God the spirit. Symbols of singing in the darkest times (3 birds, 3 surgeries). Symbols of the hope I found through patient endurance.
So, my tattoo design.
Today we had an awesome sermon about how God understands us, he loves us and he feels every tear we cry. Jesus came to earth and felt the pain and sorrows of a human, but God the father is one with his son, so God also understands our sorrows. But His love encircles us.
Before I left for church today, I read a devotion by my favorite devotion author, Angie Smith from Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole. She was talking about the sparrows, and the verse how God cares for the sparrow, so how much more does he care for us? She was reading about sparrows, and learned:
"This particular bird cannot learn to sing in the daylight because it is always concerned with the chatter around it. Instead, it's cage must be covered so that it is in complete darkness. The , it is able to hear its master and will learn to sing.... And in that place of feeling left alone, unwanted, disregarded, abandoned, He whispered to my weary soul. Sing, love." (Devotion: He Loves You)
So, now, this is my tattoo design. Symbols of God's love wrapped around me, and joining together all the parts of God the Father, God the Son, God the spirit. Symbols of singing in the darkest times (3 birds, 3 surgeries). Symbols of the hope I found through patient endurance.
So, my tattoo design.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Hey! Cut that out!
I am a mover. I am really not very content sitting and doing nothing for more than a few hours. I love being active. In my "previous life" (read: before my injury) I was running triathalons, training for half marathons, dancing with my kids at school all day and working out with Jillian Michaels videos a few times a week. I loved it all.
One of the things I was really hoping with my SCS surgery is that I would be able to get back to my active lifestyle. Maybe not running again, but I was hoping for some biking, swimming, perhaps some dancing with the kiddos again. I have tried in the last couple weeks to jump back in and do some of the active things I like to do.
Everyone around me and my own body is screaming, "Hey! Cut that out!" And every time I hear it, it does two things. First, I get angry and do more. Then I get sad because I am in so much pain. Last night, we had a follow up with my surgeon. I told him I was having a bit more pain. He told me the SCS is great and will help, but it also has its limits of what pain and how much pain it was going to cover. So I need to make wise choices about my activity level. If it is something really worth it, I can go all out, but then understand that I will probably have some pain to deal with as a result of it.
One of my people who watch over me told me, "I understand that you want to be active in your job..." to which I started crying, "No! You don't understand!" As I thought about it more, it would be like telling a counselor, "Hey, I know that you work with people trying to solve their problems, but from now on, you can only use 200 words a day." My doctor yesterday had also said my incisions were healing perfectly, and everyone I knew said, "Oh! I am so glad things are going so well and got such great news!" But to me, hearing again that I have limits and will probably always have those limits made me sad.
Today I was reading Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole by Angie Smith. I read a passage from her about Disney World. She was talking about how when you get on a ride at Disney World, the entire world disappears. It doesn't matter that you waited an hour, that the kid behind you has been screaming. You just lose yourself to the music. But, when it is over, everyone has to go back to reality. The music ends, we get off and the annoyances are still there. The hurt, pain and sorrow that made us get on the ride returns.
I feel like I have been trying to live on a ride. I blast the music in my classroom, I dance around. I blast the music of my nephew's laughter, so I crawl on the floor with him and throw him around. I blast the music of my kid's "you're the best music teacher" and stay till 6:00 hang at school to do extra help. But when I get off the ride of my day, and the music settles, man, it hurts. I cry from the pain. But the next day I get back on the ride to try to blast away the sounds of, "hey, cut that out! You can't do that!"
Why do i continually need to blast the music? why can't I just take some time to listen to the music my body is playing? The music God is playing for me, saying, "I know this wasn't exactly your plan, but I have an amazing plan for your life!" It is time to get off the ride that is blasting the music of denial. Or at least go to the "Under 3" park at Disney World.
I was lamenting of my limits, my husband pointed out, "Well, dear, everyone has limits." He is right. We do all have limits about what we can and can't do. I still am mourning the loss of my super active lifestyle a bit. But I am trying to focus on my positives and use my SCS as a good tool to allow me to do a bit more than I could without it. And to listen to the music God is playing, saying, "I am enough for you, Sarah, I will work through your hurts if you let me." I definitely don't have it figured out, but I do hope one day I can say these words with authority and conviction,
Finally, He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weakness, and I will gladly go on and on - I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
One of the things I was really hoping with my SCS surgery is that I would be able to get back to my active lifestyle. Maybe not running again, but I was hoping for some biking, swimming, perhaps some dancing with the kiddos again. I have tried in the last couple weeks to jump back in and do some of the active things I like to do.
Everyone around me and my own body is screaming, "Hey! Cut that out!" And every time I hear it, it does two things. First, I get angry and do more. Then I get sad because I am in so much pain. Last night, we had a follow up with my surgeon. I told him I was having a bit more pain. He told me the SCS is great and will help, but it also has its limits of what pain and how much pain it was going to cover. So I need to make wise choices about my activity level. If it is something really worth it, I can go all out, but then understand that I will probably have some pain to deal with as a result of it.
One of my people who watch over me told me, "I understand that you want to be active in your job..." to which I started crying, "No! You don't understand!" As I thought about it more, it would be like telling a counselor, "Hey, I know that you work with people trying to solve their problems, but from now on, you can only use 200 words a day." My doctor yesterday had also said my incisions were healing perfectly, and everyone I knew said, "Oh! I am so glad things are going so well and got such great news!" But to me, hearing again that I have limits and will probably always have those limits made me sad.
Today I was reading Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole by Angie Smith. I read a passage from her about Disney World. She was talking about how when you get on a ride at Disney World, the entire world disappears. It doesn't matter that you waited an hour, that the kid behind you has been screaming. You just lose yourself to the music. But, when it is over, everyone has to go back to reality. The music ends, we get off and the annoyances are still there. The hurt, pain and sorrow that made us get on the ride returns.
I feel like I have been trying to live on a ride. I blast the music in my classroom, I dance around. I blast the music of my nephew's laughter, so I crawl on the floor with him and throw him around. I blast the music of my kid's "you're the best music teacher" and stay till 6:00 hang at school to do extra help. But when I get off the ride of my day, and the music settles, man, it hurts. I cry from the pain. But the next day I get back on the ride to try to blast away the sounds of, "hey, cut that out! You can't do that!"
Why do i continually need to blast the music? why can't I just take some time to listen to the music my body is playing? The music God is playing for me, saying, "I know this wasn't exactly your plan, but I have an amazing plan for your life!" It is time to get off the ride that is blasting the music of denial. Or at least go to the "Under 3" park at Disney World.
I was lamenting of my limits, my husband pointed out, "Well, dear, everyone has limits." He is right. We do all have limits about what we can and can't do. I still am mourning the loss of my super active lifestyle a bit. But I am trying to focus on my positives and use my SCS as a good tool to allow me to do a bit more than I could without it. And to listen to the music God is playing, saying, "I am enough for you, Sarah, I will work through your hurts if you let me." I definitely don't have it figured out, but I do hope one day I can say these words with authority and conviction,
Finally, He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weakness, and I will gladly go on and on - I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Two songs
How I felt starting my day...
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
How I felt trying to stay positive about life later...
There' only Now
There's Only Here
Give in To Love
Or live in Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
How I felt trying to stay positive about life later...
There' only Now
There's Only Here
Give in To Love
Or live in Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Oh baby!!!
Well hello,
Little baby.
Your eyes have never seen the sun
You should know now,
Little baby.
That I am the lucky one!
-J.J. Heller, I Get to Be the One
I am 28 years old. It feels a little bit weird to think that this year I will be 29. That is almost 30. And 30 is pretty old. Like, really. :) It's like it is time to be an adult and grow up.
A ton of my friends right now are getting all good and knocked up (well... I guess it is really "having children" when you are married and starting a family...) and having super precious little babies. Oh, they are so cute! My best friend from college just had her little girl, Nora, this last weekend. I have loved seeing all the precious pictures of her sweet little daughter. I will also soon have a new little niece in July, and I am super excited to shower her with gifts like I have been able to do with my precious nephews that I love more than the world. I love these new sweet lives.
For some reason, I have had multiple people ask me in the last week too, "Are you going to have babies?" and "How will the SCS effect your ability to have kids?" Another teacher asked me this in the hall yesterday. I have had a couple of rougher days with nerve pain the last few days. I started crying, and said "Yes, I really want to have kids, and we are hoping to try this summer, but I am really scared about how my body is going to handle a pregnancy."
If I hadn't been injured, we probably would have shot out a kid by now. We have been married for almost 5 and a half years. It seems like a good time. We have good jobs, a house to put said child, and great family support around us. But we have had to wait to see if I could get some pain in control so I could carry and care for a child.
I imagine that the pregnancy will be rough. There is a lot of conflicting information about how an SCS can be used during pregnancy. There is not any conflicting information about using pain pills during pregnancy (don't do it!). I am still taking about 2-3 pills a day with the SCS on. But it isn't just about the pregnancy. I remember chasing after my precious nephew one afternoon, and being in so much pain just from trying to keep up with him. How is that fair to a little one... and how do they understand "Mommy is hurting, so I can't run with you right now." ? I remember after my SCS surgery, my nephew came in and seemed so confused as to why Auntie Sarah wasn't playing chase and on the floor playing with him. You can't explain that to them.
So, lately, I have been sad about my baby. My heart longs for a little one. I want to start a family really badly. We are still hoping that with a team of doctors, it will be possible. We will see this summer....
But last night, it really hit home how much I am a mom right now. I work as a teacher for 600 kids at an elementary school. A lot of our kids don't have parents around at home a lot. They come from poverty, and lots of my kids have parents working super hard at minimum wage jobs... or perhaps maybe some other reasons... but parents aren't around much. Last night I stayed at school late and was playing in the gym with a little girl who I can tell has been really needing some extra love lately. I don't know what is going on at home, but I can tell from her behavior with her and her siblings that something lately has not been right. We danced together, and hung out, and I sung with her, and we talked. I went into the office and sang with her brother too in something he was working on for the talent show. Every morning, I have lots of kids who come and give me hugs, who want to say hi, who I can tell really want me to love them. And I do. I love them lots. They are such wonderful kids and I am so lucky I get to care for them for time during the day. I made little prizes for them during our TCAP testing that said "You are such SMARTIES! I know you will do great on TCAP!" I got to show these kiddos how much I believe in them. One of my friends has really been stressing to me in the last few months how Ican be a great school mommy for these kids.
So, I don't have a baby with me and Bryson's DNA yet. I don't know how that will work out when I do. I do hope to one day sing this J.J. Heller song to my own little baby. But I have 600 kids at school who need me right now. And I am so blessed to get to care for them and show them what it looks like to have someone who believes in them in their life. And we will continue to enjoy sleeping till 8:30 on Saturdays and spur of the moment dinner dates. I am super blessed.
I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.
Monday, February 25, 2013
ink me!
Tonight I am working on my tattoo that I have wanted to get for the last two years. I kept saying, "Oh, I will get it after THIS surgery, when I am better."
Well, I might never be better. But it is time to do this to symbolize my journey through the last three years.
The tattoo will have the words "Patient Endurance" and "Heb. 10:32" to symbolize my life verse during this time. It will also have three birds to symbolize the three major back surgeries I have had. I am considering a lightening bold to be striking one of the birds to symbolize the electricity from the SCS. (...kidding...) The tattoo will be in the middle of my back, right below the neck line of a shirt.
I write this, knowing that I will have people (ahem... mom... dad... grandma... ) who will be saying "You are doing WHAT?"
But as I have dreamed and designed this tattoo... it is more than a tattoo.
It is war paint in a war I have had with pain for 3 years.
It is a symbol of healing in the trials I have gone through.
It is a sign of God's faithfulness through this time, and his faithfulness that will continue as I continue this journey with pain.
It is a representation of the freedom and flying away from the bondage that pain has had on my life and hope of soaring to a "new normal".
Trying to design and sketch has made me think, as I form each letter, about each step of the journey. From moving boxes. To having physical therapy. To working when I could barely walk. To injections. To people bringing us food. To help in cleaning our house and doing our laundry. To the love and prayers that have gotten me through.
So yes, friends, April 28 I will no longer be allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. But I will have my battle paint to show of what has been and what is to come.
Well, I might never be better. But it is time to do this to symbolize my journey through the last three years.
The tattoo will have the words "Patient Endurance" and "Heb. 10:32" to symbolize my life verse during this time. It will also have three birds to symbolize the three major back surgeries I have had. I am considering a lightening bold to be striking one of the birds to symbolize the electricity from the SCS. (...kidding...) The tattoo will be in the middle of my back, right below the neck line of a shirt.
I write this, knowing that I will have people (ahem... mom... dad... grandma... ) who will be saying "You are doing WHAT?"
But as I have dreamed and designed this tattoo... it is more than a tattoo.
It is war paint in a war I have had with pain for 3 years.
It is a symbol of healing in the trials I have gone through.
It is a sign of God's faithfulness through this time, and his faithfulness that will continue as I continue this journey with pain.
It is a representation of the freedom and flying away from the bondage that pain has had on my life and hope of soaring to a "new normal".
Trying to design and sketch has made me think, as I form each letter, about each step of the journey. From moving boxes. To having physical therapy. To working when I could barely walk. To injections. To people bringing us food. To help in cleaning our house and doing our laundry. To the love and prayers that have gotten me through.
So yes, friends, April 28 I will no longer be allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. But I will have my battle paint to show of what has been and what is to come.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Mourn
My last post was full of such hope.
Tonight, I am feeling mournful of my health.
There are going to be good days and bad days still. Days where the SCS makes me feel great. Days where the SCS almost does it and a little bit of meds makes it better. And days where the SCS and meds are used, and I still don't feel great.
I had someone tell me today, "oh, you will be healed! I know God will make it happen." This injury has really made it apparent to me that God's plan for everyone is not full physical healing. There may be healing in the acceptance of a disability. There may be healing in walking three miles... Even though one used to run 8 miles a day. There may be healing in showing love to others in their times of similar health issues. There may be healing in the mourning of health still not 100%. But I have learned to not tell people that I know they will get better.
So, there will be good times with my health. There will be mourning of my health. And there will be healing. It just might not look what I thought might one day a few years ago.
Tonight, I am feeling mournful of my health.
There are going to be good days and bad days still. Days where the SCS makes me feel great. Days where the SCS almost does it and a little bit of meds makes it better. And days where the SCS and meds are used, and I still don't feel great.
I had someone tell me today, "oh, you will be healed! I know God will make it happen." This injury has really made it apparent to me that God's plan for everyone is not full physical healing. There may be healing in the acceptance of a disability. There may be healing in walking three miles... Even though one used to run 8 miles a day. There may be healing in showing love to others in their times of similar health issues. There may be healing in the mourning of health still not 100%. But I have learned to not tell people that I know they will get better.
So, there will be good times with my health. There will be mourning of my health. And there will be healing. It just might not look what I thought might one day a few years ago.
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