Pics from surgery

Just documenting a few pictures from surgery and recovery.

Surgery 3 in 13 months. This was right before I started bawling for being scared

Out of surgery and on good drugs

Pretty oxygen mask

I feel yucky now!

There and back again... A goon tale

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Recovery from my SCS surgery is "officially" over. It has been a little over 6 weeks, the time they say it takes for your leads to scar in. I can technically bend, lift, and twist all I want (though I am still not taking lots of chances.) 

I now how some really awesome new surgical body art:

The stimulator is working well overall. I have noticed that when I am standing at my job, my back pain has gone down a lot and I can really control a majority of my nerve pain with the touch of a remote. Today in the middle of first grade music class, my foot started hurting. So robot Mrs. Lillie used her remote and felt better. The kids were fascinated and wanted to see my battery. I told them no, it was under my skin, and we have to wear pants at school, so they couldn't see it.

I have been taking about two pills a day... And one of those days it was only tylenol. There was a time when I was on 5 different prescriptions to allow me to function.

Great is Thy Faithfulness indeed, Lord.

Little known fact about me: I love Lord of the Rings. I would not consider myself a LOTR NERD, but I loved reading the books and every year at Thanksgiving, Bryson and I watch all three extended editions of the movies back to back. Tonight I was browsing through some of my old blog posts from the last almost three years. What a journey this has been. I feel like Frodo a bit. I was given a big journey to endure, with the weight of my task of living life growing heavier day by day. I have had some amazing Merrys and Pippins who have helped me carry this load. My Sam, also known as Bryson has tried to help me try to carry this load and at times carried me up the mountain when I couldn't Make it on my own. Gollum has been next to me in the whispers of doubt and fear. And Gandolf the White, my Lord and hope, has helped protect me. I have been to Mordor and back. And I really hope this was the last trip all the way to the fires of Mount "Major back surgery" Doom. At least for a few years.

There are so many things to be joyful for. Yet I still look at Frodo after he returned home. He still lived with pain and sorrow at the things he had lost. As I said in my last post, I do not know if I will be ever fully healed. I will probably live with pain for the rest of my life. I don't think I am going to hop a ship and go live with the elves now like Frodo did. I am hopeful I will keep learning to live a full life with my new robot status. The journey continues. And this new journey of claiming an electrical life, I am excited to continue.

I look back, and I can't say I am thankful for everything from the last years. It was a hard time. But I am blessed to have learned many things, to have loved many people, to have been loved by many. I am blessed by doctors who truly care and want to see me better. I am blessed by sharing pain experiences with new friends who I have grown to love dearly. And i have been amazingly blessed by a Lord who has walked through this journey and helped to make me new, and make me a beautiful thing out of dust. These experiences were not what I was looking for when we decided to move to an apartment that injured me. I just wanted a house that wasn't as costly to heat. But I have found love and healing. It is not what I was looking for, but I am blessed to have found it.

So now, I continue to walk this journey, taking what I have learned and showing love to others in ways I have been shown love. I look forward to journeying toward maybe being a mommy, toward riding my bike again and swimming, to continuing to buzz with electricity. I pray that you also may journey your path with hope and peace, wherever you may be

Roads go ever ever on,

Over rock and under tree,

By caves where never sun has shone,

By streams that never find the sea;

Over snow by winter sown,

And through the merry flowers of June,

Over grass and over stone,

And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on,

Under cloud and under star.

Yet feet that wandering have gone

Turn at last to home afar.

Eyes that fire and sword have seen,

And horror in the halls of stone

Look at last on meadows green,

And trees and hills they long have known.

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet.

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Eyes Open

It has been while since I have posted. 3.5 weeks ago, I had the surgery to permanently implant an SCS into my spine. Overall, this surgery has been pretty successful! My leg pain has gone down a lot. My incisional pain is decreasing. I have been trying to walk this week, and I walked 2.5 miles twice this week and my legs and back did not hurt after (I was tired, but not a mess)! I am so thankful for all these things.

Here is the but.

When I turn off the stim, I am right back where I started. Going into this surgery, I thought I had realistic goals for what this would do. I told everyone who asked about it, "this is not a cure. It is not going to fix any problems. It will just be another tool to fight my pain, but without pills." I have decreased my pain meds this week as my incisional pain is down. And this has made me realize how the SCS is masking the pain signals. Last night I woke up with my nerve pain settled in my hips. So in the dark I fumbled around with my remote and tried to get the thing working in the right areas.

Here was my revelation last night. I am most likely permanently injured. I will probably never be completely physically healed.

I am thankful that my quality of life will improve with the SCS. I am thankful I am starting to be able to exercise again. Maybe we can even look at having a baby sometime in the near future. But I will probably always battle pain. I have a tool to fight it and hopefully it will continue to help. However the revelation of being permanently injured has settled in my heart pretty heavily today.

I was searching for some encouragement this morning and came across the road to Emmaus story while reading the book "Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole" by Angie Smith.

That same day two of Jesus’ followers were walking to the village of Emmaus, seven miles from Jerusalem. As they walked along they were talking about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things, Jesus himself suddenly came and began walking with them. But God kept them from recognizing him. He asked them, “What are you discussing so intently as you walk along?” They stopped short, sadness written across their faces. Then one of them, Cleopas, replied, “You must be the only person in Jerusalem who hasn’t heard about all the things that have happened there the last few days.” “What things?” Jesus asked. “The things that happened to Jesus, the man from Nazareth,” they said. “He was a prophet who did powerful miracles, and he was a mighty teacher in the eyes of God and all the people. But our leading priests and other religious leaders handed him over to be condemned to death, and they crucified him. We had hoped he was the Messiah who had come to rescue Israel. This all happened three days ago. “Then some women from our group of his followers were at his tomb early this morning, and they came back with an amazing report. They said his body was missing, and they had seen angels who told them Jesus is alive! Some of our men ran out to see, and sure enough, his body was gone, just as the women had said.” Then Jesus said to them, “You foolish people! You find it so hard to believe all that the prophets wrote in the Scriptures. Wasn’t it clearly predicted that the Messiah would have to suffer all these things before entering his glory?” Then Jesus took them through the writings of Moses and all the prophets, explaining from all the Scriptures the things concerning himself. By this time they were nearing Emmaus and the end of their journey. Jesus acted as if he were going on, but they begged him, “Stay the night with us, since it is getting late.” So he went home with them. As they sat down to eat, he took the bread and blessed it. Then he broke it and gave it to them. Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And at that moment he disappeared! They said to each other, “Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” (Luke 24:13-32 NLT)

Angie Smith points out that the word "Emmaus" meant "warm springs" and that there springs were often used for healing purposes when this story takes place. I find it interesting that as these men were walking toward the "healing springs" they did not recognize Jesus walking with them. Jesus reminds them of all of God's promises to His people. Yet, they still do not recognize Him. As they invite Jesus to stay with them, their eyes are opened. they see how Jesus has been walking with them on the road to healing. And they rejoice in their revelation.

So, where am I on my own road to Emmaus? Do I have my eyes and heart closed off to how Jesus is walking with me? Am I wallowing in my discouragement, or am I inviting Jesus in, and recognizing all His promises for me? The warm springs of Emmaus may not bring me full physical healing. But I must keep my eyes open to the healing that is happening in so many ways, and the presence of my Lord walking along the road with me.

Faith, hope and trust

My lesson from my massage and emotional healing session tonight... "We don't have all the information. So when we don't have the information, we can choose fear and worry, or we can choose faith, hope and trust in God. And when you know, you will just know." I don't have all the information about my upcoming surgery and recovery and the outcome. And I have been extremely worried and fearful.but tonight, I choose to trust and hope in my God instead of fear.

Independent Woman!!!

I have always been a big "do it myself" person. I bashfully admit that I loved the Independent Women  song by Destiny's Child when I was in middle school. And I rock out hard to Run the World (Girls) by Beyonce in my car often... "Strong enough to bear your children, then get back to business!"

In high school, I was in a choir that started practice at 6:30 in the morning. So I had to get up and get ready to leave by about 6:05. I remember my mom commenting on how great it was that I was able to get myself up and get out without her helping. It was not the same for my brothers. I hate group projects, and would rather just do the work on my own. I have taken the assemblies at my school, and work with various groups of kids by myself to get them all ready on my plan time. If I need something moved, I don't wait to ask for a janitor, I do it myself. (The janitor at my old school used to get SO mad at me and threaten to call my husband when I would be moving risers down the hall!)  I don't mind any of this one bit. I am a very take charge, get it done person.

And then there is the after surgery time.

My principal has already commented to me, "After this, when you come back to work, you are going to have to be good. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET PEOPLE HELP YOU!" I told her, "Man, I've only been working here 3 months, and you already really know me!"

I am not allowed to lift ANYTHING. I can't bend at ALL. I am not even allowed to lift my hands over my head to get a juice glass. The last few surgeries, this has been hard. I would drop a pill, and start bawling that I couldn't get it on my own. My hubby would almost be laughing at me, and would pick up the pill. But man, it drives me CRAZY to be so not independent. (I did eventually learn how to put on my underpants with one of those grabbers like old people have. It was my fight for independence. Grabber underpants.)

Now, I am about to enter a time of more non-independence. I will really have to rely on others. My husband is so amazing with this, and he is so great at taking care of me in these moments of weakness.

I am nervous because the hubby will be gone for a business trip for a week at about the 5 week mark after surgery. I will still have lots of restrictions. No arms above my head... how will I get dressed? Wash my hair? Comb my hair? Get breakfast? Get all my things into the car? It is going to be rough, and it makes me feel very weak and volunerable.

I think this is also where I struggle a lot in my faith. I want to take charge of my life. I want to be independent some times, and not rely on God to take care of my struggles. I am strong, I can handle them, RIGHT? Wrong. I have been so down the last few days, and have felt so weak emotionally, mentally and physically. This is how we are as humans. We are not strong enough to do it on our own. We MUST rely on God's strength and grace to get us through. We are volunterable people. In my realization of "How am I going to wash my hair when Bryson is gone?" it really illustrates to me how we can't do life on our own. We need a family of faith to surround us and God's never failing grace to pull us through.

I think I have the hair washing stuff maybe figured out (a stuffed plastic glove on a stick? Ha!). But I don't always have the reliance on God figured out. I am so thankful that he keeps whispering to me, "I'm here Sarah. Let me have your troubles. Fall at my feet and I will take care of your every need." Thank you God for your amazing grace.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

what if???

December 17.

December 17.

December 17.

I can get there.

This is the day of my SCS permanent implant surgery. I am going to admit, I have a lot of doubt about whether this will work. Or whether it will be just another surgery with an extremely painful recovery (this surgery will probably be MORE painful than my other one.). Am I going to be in extreme amounts of pain after surgery? Is it going to work? Am I going to be crazy disappointed when again I come out and feel awful? Could it mess things up more? ... what if? ... What if? What if?!?!

My heart has been completely overwhelmed with what ifs when I think about this surgery. So I have tried not to. I have also tried really hard lately not to think a lot about God through all this. I have felt lately that I am here alone. I am feeling very "Oh God, why have you forsaken me???"

Two Bible passages have really been speaking to me in my "what ifs" and my "Are you there God?" The first one I heard from the Women of Faith conference this week, from the author Angie Smith.

⁸ When Isaac grew up and was about to be weaned, Abraham prepared a huge feast to celebrate the occasion. ⁹ But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac.¹⁰ So she turned to Abraham and demanded, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son. He is not going to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac. I won’t have it!”

¹¹ This upset Abraham very much because Ishmael was his son. ¹² But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. ¹³ But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”

¹⁴ So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.

¹⁵ When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. ¹⁶ Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.

¹⁷ But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. ¹⁸ Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”

¹⁹ Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink.
Genesis 22:8-19

In this story, Hagar's "What ifs?" became her "What is!" She was sent away... with only a little bit of human provision (a small thing of water, a bit of bread) and was basically told "Good luck!" by the father of her child. She ran out of human provision. She sat down and couldn't stand to watch her child die.

But then God said to her, "What's wrong? DO NOT BE AFRAID!" Angie Smith pointed out here that God "opened Hagar's eyes." It is possible that the well, which would give her life and strength, was there all along! But she hadn't opened her eyes to God's provisions for her... she was too focused on her "What is" to allow to see God's "What is." And through this, God made a huge line of decendants (now that part gets a little interesting to me that this story was used...) But this is an amazing example of not letting YOUR "What ifs?" get in the way of God's "What is!"

The second passage is one of my favorites.

²¹ “How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. ²² The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”

²³ “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

²⁴ The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:21-24

This reminded me very much of the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness." At Women of Faith, we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. As I was singing it, I was thinking, "Lord, is your faithfulness great? Have you been faithful to me? I am still in so much pain. I have been living like this so long. I can't have kids right now. I can't jump around with my school kids. I can't carry instruments all over. I can't do any of the physical activities I used to love. God, is your faithfulness really great?!?!" As we kept singing,

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilst be

I kept thinking, Lord. I believe this. I believe your faithfulness is great. I believe that you won't change, and your compassions will not fail me. You forever will be great. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. And I kept singing... it being my prayer. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Great. Forever. Lord, I believe.

I do not know what December 17th will bring. And I am sure many more tears of what ifs and fear and "Are you there God?" tears will fall. BUT. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousands beside.

Hard wired for sound

I am all a buzz with electric current! It really seems to be helping with nerve pain. We learned again though how high maintenance I am. All my nerves are pretty tightly bundled together. We kind of found that out with my last surgeon too, when they thought I had a tumor on one of my nerves. In reality my nerves are just super tightly wound. Imagine that. So when they were trying to place the electrical leads, It took a really long time, Because finding the sweet spot where the current should run through Would send the sensations all over to weird spots. But they finally got them in and I am I'll abuzz.

In other news, I actually stayed home this afternoon. I am so bad about forcing myself to go on and just work through the pain. Before my first surgery, I was told daily to go home. But I just pushed through. And I have posted a few times about how hard I push myself. But today, I am taking care of myself. I am resting for one more half day. Go me. :)