Hey! Cut that out!

I am a mover. I am really not very content sitting and doing nothing for more than a few hours. I love being active. In my "previous life" (read: before my injury) I was running triathalons, training for half marathons, dancing with my kids at school all day and working out with Jillian Michaels videos a few times a week. I loved it all.

One of the things I was really hoping with my SCS surgery is that I would be able to get back to my active lifestyle. Maybe not running again, but I was hoping for some biking, swimming, perhaps some dancing with the kiddos again. I have tried in the last couple weeks to jump back in and do some of the active things I like to do.

Everyone around me and my own body is screaming, "Hey! Cut that out!" And every time I hear it, it does two things. First, I get angry and do more. Then I get sad because I am in so much pain. Last night, we had a follow up with my surgeon. I told him I was having a bit more pain. He told me the SCS is great and will help, but it also has its limits of what pain and how much pain it was going to cover. So I need to make wise choices about my activity level. If it is something really worth it, I can go all out, but then understand that I will probably have some pain to deal with as a result of it.

One of my people who watch over me told me, "I understand that you want to be active in your job..." to which I started crying, "No! You don't understand!" As I thought about it more, it would be like telling a counselor, "Hey, I know that you work with people trying to solve their problems, but from now on, you can only use 200 words a day." My doctor yesterday had also said my incisions were healing perfectly, and everyone I knew said, "Oh! I am so glad things are going so well and got such great news!" But to me, hearing again that I have limits and will probably always have those limits made me sad.

Today I was reading Mended: Pieces of a Life Made Whole by Angie Smith. I read a passage from her about Disney World. She was talking about how when you get on a ride at Disney World, the entire world disappears. It doesn't matter that you waited an hour, that the kid behind you has been screaming. You just lose yourself to the music.  But, when it is over, everyone has to go back to reality. The music ends, we get off and the annoyances are still there. The hurt, pain and sorrow that made us get on the ride returns.

I feel like I have been trying to live on a ride. I blast the music in my classroom, I dance around. I blast the music of my nephew's laughter, so I crawl on the floor with him and throw him around. I blast the music of my kid's "you're the best music teacher" and stay till 6:00 hang at school to do extra help. But when I get off the ride of my day, and the music settles, man, it hurts. I cry from the pain. But the next day I get back on the ride to try to blast away the sounds of, "hey, cut that out! You can't do that!"

Why do i continually need to blast the music? why can't I just take some time to listen to the music my body is playing? The music God is playing for me, saying, "I know this wasn't exactly your plan, but I have an amazing plan for your life!" It is time to get off the ride that is blasting the music of denial. Or at least go to the "Under 3" park at Disney World.

I was lamenting of my limits, my husband pointed out, "Well, dear, everyone has limits." He is right. We do all have limits about what we can and can't do. I still am mourning the loss of my super active lifestyle a bit. But I am trying to focus on my positives and use my SCS as a good tool to allow me to do a bit more than I could without it. And to listen to the music God is playing, saying, "I am enough for you, Sarah, I will work through your hurts if you let me." I definitely don't have it figured out, but I do hope one day I can say these words with authority and conviction,

Finally, He said to me, "My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness." So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weakness, and I will gladly go on and on - I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Two songs

How I felt starting my day...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

How I felt trying to stay positive about life later...

There' only Now
There's Only Here
Give in To Love
Or live in Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

Oh baby!!!

Well hello,

Little baby.

Your eyes have never seen the sun

You should know now,

Little baby.

That I am the lucky one!

-J.J. Heller, I Get to Be the One

 

I am 28 years old. It feels a little bit weird to think that this year I will be 29. That is almost 30. And 30 is pretty old. Like, really. :) It's like it is time to be an adult and grow up.

 

A ton of my friends right now are getting all good and knocked up (well... I guess it is really "having children" when you are married and starting a family...) and having super precious little babies. Oh, they are so cute! My best friend from college just had her little girl, Nora, this last weekend. I have loved seeing all the precious pictures of her sweet little daughter. I will also soon have a new little niece in July, and I am super excited to shower her with gifts like I have been able to do with my precious nephews that I love more than the world. I love these new sweet lives.

 

For some reason, I have had multiple people ask me in the last week too, "Are you going to have babies?" and "How will the SCS effect your ability to have kids?" Another teacher asked me this in the hall yesterday. I have had a couple of rougher days with nerve pain the last few days. I started crying, and said "Yes, I really want to have kids, and we are hoping to try this summer, but I am really scared about how my body is going to handle a pregnancy."

 

If I hadn't been injured, we probably would have shot out a kid by now. We have been married for almost 5 and a half years. It seems like a good time. We have good jobs, a house to put said child, and great family support around us. But we have had to wait to see if I could get some pain in control so I could carry and care for a child.

 

I imagine that the pregnancy will be rough. There is a lot of conflicting information about how an SCS can be used during pregnancy. There is not any conflicting information about using pain pills during pregnancy (don't do it!). I am still taking about 2-3 pills a day with the SCS on. But it isn't just about the pregnancy. I remember chasing after my precious nephew one afternoon, and being in so much pain just from trying to keep up with him. How is that fair to a little one... and how do they understand "Mommy is hurting, so I can't run with you right now." ? I remember after my SCS surgery, my nephew came in and seemed so confused as to why Auntie Sarah wasn't playing chase and on the floor playing with him. You can't explain that to them.

 

So, lately, I have been sad about my baby. My heart longs for a little one. I want to start a family really badly. We are still hoping that with a team of doctors, it will be possible. We will see this summer....

 

But last night, it really hit home how much I am a mom right now. I work as a teacher for 600 kids at an elementary school. A lot of our kids don't have parents around at home a lot. They come from poverty, and lots of my kids have parents working super hard at minimum wage jobs... or perhaps maybe some other reasons... but parents aren't around much. Last night I stayed at school late and was playing in the gym with a little girl who I can tell has been really needing some extra love lately. I don't know what is going on at home, but I can tell from her behavior with her and her siblings that something lately has not been right. We danced together, and hung out, and I sung with her, and we talked. I went into the office and sang with her brother too in something he was working on for the talent show. Every morning, I have lots of kids who come and give me hugs, who want to say hi, who I can tell really want me to love them. And I do. I love them lots. They are such wonderful kids and I am so lucky I get to care for them for time during the day. I made little prizes for them during our TCAP testing that said "You are such SMARTIES! I know you will do great on TCAP!" I got to show these kiddos how much I believe in them. One of my friends has really been stressing to me in the last few months how Ican be a great school mommy for these kids.

 

So, I don't have a baby with me and Bryson's DNA yet. I don't know how that will work out when I do. I do hope to one day sing this J.J. Heller song to my own little baby. But I have 600 kids at school who need me right now. And I am so blessed to get to care for them and show them what it looks like to have someone who believes in them in their life. And we will continue to enjoy sleeping till 8:30 on Saturdays and spur of the moment dinner dates. I am super blessed.

 

I get to be the one to hold your hand

I get to be the one.

Through birthdays and broken bones

I'll be there to watch you grow

I get to be the one.

ink me!

Tonight I am working on my tattoo that I have wanted to get for the last two years. I kept saying, "Oh, I will get it after THIS surgery, when I am better."

Well, I might never be better. But it is time to do this to symbolize my journey through the last three years.

The tattoo will have the words "Patient Endurance" and "Heb. 10:32" to symbolize my life verse during this time. It will also have three birds to symbolize the three major back surgeries I have had. I am considering a lightening bold to be striking one of the birds to symbolize the electricity from the SCS. (...kidding...) The tattoo will be in the middle of my back, right below the neck line of a shirt.

I write this, knowing that I will have people (ahem... mom... dad... grandma... ) who will be saying "You are doing WHAT?"

But as I have dreamed and designed this tattoo... it is more than a tattoo.

It is war paint in a war I have had with pain for 3 years.

It is a symbol of healing in the trials I have gone through.

It is a sign of God's faithfulness through this time, and his faithfulness that will continue as I continue this journey with pain.

It is a representation of the freedom and flying away from the bondage that pain has had on my life and hope of soaring to a "new normal".

Trying to design and sketch has made me think, as I form each letter, about each step of the journey. From moving boxes. To having physical therapy. To working when I could barely walk. To injections. To people bringing us food. To help in cleaning our house and doing our laundry. To the love and prayers that have gotten me through.

So yes, friends, April 28 I will no longer be allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. But I will have my battle paint to show of what has been and what is to come.

Mourn

My last post was full of such hope.

Tonight, I am feeling mournful of my health.

There are going to be good days and bad days still. Days where the SCS makes me feel great. Days where the SCS almost does it and a little bit of meds makes it better. And days where the SCS and meds are used, and I still don't feel great.

I had someone tell me today, "oh, you will be healed! I know God will make it happen." This injury has really made it apparent to me that God's plan for everyone is not full physical healing. There may be healing in the acceptance of a disability. There may be healing in walking three miles... Even though one used to run 8 miles a day. There may be healing in showing love to others in their times of similar health issues. There may be healing in the mourning of health still not 100%. But I have learned to not tell people that I know they will get better.

So, there will be good times with my health. There will be mourning of my health. And there will be healing. It just might not look what I thought might one day a few years ago.

Pics from surgery

Just documenting a few pictures from surgery and recovery.

Surgery 3 in 13 months. This was right before I started bawling for being scared

Out of surgery and on good drugs

Pretty oxygen mask

I feel yucky now!

There and back again... A goon tale

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Recovery from my SCS surgery is "officially" over. It has been a little over 6 weeks, the time they say it takes for your leads to scar in. I can technically bend, lift, and twist all I want (though I am still not taking lots of chances.) 

I now how some really awesome new surgical body art:

The stimulator is working well overall. I have noticed that when I am standing at my job, my back pain has gone down a lot and I can really control a majority of my nerve pain with the touch of a remote. Today in the middle of first grade music class, my foot started hurting. So robot Mrs. Lillie used her remote and felt better. The kids were fascinated and wanted to see my battery. I told them no, it was under my skin, and we have to wear pants at school, so they couldn't see it.

I have been taking about two pills a day... And one of those days it was only tylenol. There was a time when I was on 5 different prescriptions to allow me to function.

Great is Thy Faithfulness indeed, Lord.

Little known fact about me: I love Lord of the Rings. I would not consider myself a LOTR NERD, but I loved reading the books and every year at Thanksgiving, Bryson and I watch all three extended editions of the movies back to back. Tonight I was browsing through some of my old blog posts from the last almost three years. What a journey this has been. I feel like Frodo a bit. I was given a big journey to endure, with the weight of my task of living life growing heavier day by day. I have had some amazing Merrys and Pippins who have helped me carry this load. My Sam, also known as Bryson has tried to help me try to carry this load and at times carried me up the mountain when I couldn't Make it on my own. Gollum has been next to me in the whispers of doubt and fear. And Gandolf the White, my Lord and hope, has helped protect me. I have been to Mordor and back. And I really hope this was the last trip all the way to the fires of Mount "Major back surgery" Doom. At least for a few years.

There are so many things to be joyful for. Yet I still look at Frodo after he returned home. He still lived with pain and sorrow at the things he had lost. As I said in my last post, I do not know if I will be ever fully healed. I will probably live with pain for the rest of my life. I don't think I am going to hop a ship and go live with the elves now like Frodo did. I am hopeful I will keep learning to live a full life with my new robot status. The journey continues. And this new journey of claiming an electrical life, I am excited to continue.

I look back, and I can't say I am thankful for everything from the last years. It was a hard time. But I am blessed to have learned many things, to have loved many people, to have been loved by many. I am blessed by doctors who truly care and want to see me better. I am blessed by sharing pain experiences with new friends who I have grown to love dearly. And i have been amazingly blessed by a Lord who has walked through this journey and helped to make me new, and make me a beautiful thing out of dust. These experiences were not what I was looking for when we decided to move to an apartment that injured me. I just wanted a house that wasn't as costly to heat. But I have found love and healing. It is not what I was looking for, but I am blessed to have found it.

So now, I continue to walk this journey, taking what I have learned and showing love to others in ways I have been shown love. I look forward to journeying toward maybe being a mommy, toward riding my bike again and swimming, to continuing to buzz with electricity. I pray that you also may journey your path with hope and peace, wherever you may be

Roads go ever ever on,

Over rock and under tree,

By caves where never sun has shone,

By streams that never find the sea;

Over snow by winter sown,

And through the merry flowers of June,

Over grass and over stone,

And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on,

Under cloud and under star.

Yet feet that wandering have gone

Turn at last to home afar.

Eyes that fire and sword have seen,

And horror in the halls of stone

Look at last on meadows green,

And trees and hills they long have known.

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet.

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings