Joy in the Pit of Despair

This weekend has been a rough one on my health. I have just felt icky all weekend. My hands hurt like crazy. My squeezing in my ribs hurts a lot today. I have started getting horrid, sharp nerve pain in my legs again. I am struggling like crazy with fatigue and memory problems. I woke up this morning for the first time in awhile with the first thought that entereed my mind being, "I am so stinking tired of all this pain... I just want it to REALLY stop."

Through my back problems, playing music was such an outlet. I would process through a lot of stuff by closing the door to the study and just play the piano and guitar for hours, worshipping, reminding myself of all the promises God has given me. However, with the issues I have now with my hands, playing the piano hurts and it is very unsuccessful many times. I can't use my pinky and can barely use my ring finger. So I am playing with three fingers. My fingers physically will not go some places on the guitar. The pick slips and I can't feel it slipping, and it starts sounding weird, and I realize it has turned all the way around. I have no sense of where my fingers are unless I am looking at them, and I think, "woah! The sounds way off!" and I look down and realize my hand is 2 frets higher than it should be.

This weekend I was working on a song called, "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. The words to one of the verses said,

 

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
 

I felt it was super ironic to sing these words as I was struggling so to play the notes. This one outlet I had in my life to really feel close to God, to bask in his presence, to internalize His word and His promises is feeling like it is being stripped from me. I don't feel like whatever this is that is stripping my hands of the ability to play music is a "perfect way." I don't really feel like God is being faithful to me in feeling like I can't worship anymore.

The song goes on,

 

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.

The Bible is full of God's examples of His faithfulness to people after many struggles. Mary. Hagar. Sarah. Job. David. Abraham. Joseph. The list goes on and on.

Yet, today I am really trying to rest in the words of Paul. Paul didn't really ever just have his life just fall in to place like some of these people. He was in and out of prison. He had some sort of "thorn" he dealt with that he kept askingGod to take it away, but it seemed God never did:

⁷ To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! ⁸ I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; ⁹ and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. ¹⁰ I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

However, Paul wrote some of the most joyful passages in the Bible:

¹⁸ Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us.  - Romans 8:18

 

 ²⁸ We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan.  - Romans 8:28

 

³⁸ For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, ³⁹ height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

 

³² Instead, think back to the days after you were first enlightened and understood who Jesus was: when you endured all sorts of suffering in the name of the Lord, ³³ when people held you up for public scorn and ridicule, or when they abused your partners and companions in the faith.  ³⁵ Remember this, and do not abandon your confidence, which will lead to rich rewards. ³⁶ Simply endure, for when you have done as God requires of you, you will receive the promise. - Hebrews 10:32-33, 35-36

 

 ¹² Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always just around the corner. Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer. - Romans 12:12

and of course, the most famous passage on joy:

 

⁴ Most of all, friends, always rejoice in the Lord! I never tire of saying it: Rejoice! ⁵ Keep your gentle nature so that all people will know what it looks like to walk in His footsteps. The Lord is ever present with us. ⁶ Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. ⁷ And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One. - Philippians 4:4-7

The whole book of Philippians was thought to be written while Paul was in prison. And not the prisons like we have today... but where he may have been sitting down in a deep hole in the ground, chained to a wall, with no light or windows. Paul was really in the Pit of Despair. I think to the Princess Bride scene where Wesley finds himself in the Pit of Despair. There is no hope of escape, and all that he will know there is torture.

Yet, he did not let the Pit of Despair bring his spirits into the Pit of Despair. He still rejoiced in God's goodness. He knew that God was faithful even when his circumstances suggested otherwise. He knew the promises that God had for him and he trusted that God would provide all He needed.

Buttercup's love gets Wesley through his pit of despair in the Princess Bride. It even gives him the opportunity to only be "mostly dead" instead of losing all hope of life.

True love. This is what revives Wesley. He goes from mostly dead to full of life (even if he has to be carried the whole way in and out of the castle). God's true love revives Paul's spirits while He is in the Pit of Despair, and gives him life and joy again.

I hate that I can't play music right now. I hate that even writing this blog has been super painful on my hands. I hate that I feel like my ways of worship and reflection seem to be taken away from me. I unfortunately don't have a magic pill with a chocolate coating to make it go down easier that will transform my spirits magically to joy. But as the days go by, I hope that I can look to the way Paul approached his life in the Pit, knowing that God would set his feet upon the Rock, and he would have joy. And rest in God's true love to bring me life again, in whatever form that is.

 

Have fun storming the (joy) castle! Think it'll work? It will take a miracle!

 

²² How enduring is God’s loyal love;
the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.
²³ Here they are, every morning, new!
Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.
²⁴ Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

 - Lamentations 3:22-2

A reminder of hope

Yesterday a dear friend of mine from Missouri sent me flowers. I got home, and there was a box from 1800Flowers on my doorstep. I opened the box to beautiful lily buds. Almost none of them had bloomed yet, but I put them in the water and a vase.

When I came down this morning, a lot of the buds had started opening and blooming in beautiful colors.

When I sent my friend a thank you last night, she was disappointed in the fact that the flowers were not in bloom yet. Yet, this morning when I woke up, the blooms over the time passing was such a reminder of hope to me. Sometimes, we finish our day defeated, in pain, struggling with fatigue and sorrow. Yet, we need to remember the hope that a new day brings. Hope of fresh starts. Hope from the promise that God's mercies are new every morning. Hope that one day, we may wake up with colors more beautiful than we could ever imagine filling our lives with beauty.

Thank you dear friend, for the flowers, but also for my reminder to stay hopeful. While I may be in a time right now of waiting and sorrow, I know that soon my flower will bloom and again bring beauty and color from the pain of today.

2 Jesus leads us into a place of radical grace where we are able to celebrate the hope of experiencing God’s glory. 3And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, 4which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. 5And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.

Romans 5:2-5

And I wait.

Patience is not one of my finer virtues. I have gotten a little better over the years, but overall, I don't wait well for things. I get impatient easily with people who take too long, I get frustrated when I can't get something I want right away, I make quick decisions and act on them... whether they are super great decisions or not.

I had a pastor who every week during the pastoral prayer would pray for "those who were waiting for medical tests." I thought every week that that was a nice prayer, but kind of thought it was silly to pray for it every week. I now know, it is not. I have learned a whole new level of impatience in the last week and a half... Waiting for medical tests.

10 days ago I had some pretty serious medical tests. There are some serious things they are looking for that are related to my whole body numbness I have been dealing with. I had blood drawn, a spinal tap and detailed pictures taken of my spine after dye was injected in my spinal fluid. The tests were rotten and horrid. The waiting for results is worse.

They told me about 3-4 days at the hospital... And I did speak with my doctor to hear that my spine looked fine, but the big tests we are still waiting for. So Thursday I got impatient and called to see if they had heard. No call back. So I called yesterday. They had the results! But... The doctor had not gone over them yet, and he was not in, so eve n though the tests are back, I still have to wait through the weekend.

My mind has been going crazy playing the "what-if" game, and there have been lots of tears shed. That is all added to the fact that I feel horrible most of the time due to whatever is going on. I want to get things figured out. I want a treatment plan. I want it to be fixed.

I have prayed all week, "Let the tests come back today, Lord!" Obviously the answer has been no this week. I kept praying, and praying... And yet, I heard no answer.

I did some reading on waiting this morning. Elisabeth Elliot wrote,

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: thy will be done." –Elisabeth Elliot

I have been begging all week, "Lord, just let me know what is wrong with me!" I have been so distracted all week by this looming over my head. And every moment I am not thinking about it, I am just trying to distract myself with other things: pouring myself into my teaching, immersion into the television, hanging out with family. I have tried to fill my mind with so much noise so I did not have to think about everything. 

What I have not been doing is letting God bear with me in love and patience. I have not been praying "Thy will be done." I have not been being still, and knowing that He is God. I also read in one of my devotion this week, 

Let the dew of my presence refresh your mind and heart. So many, many things vie for your attention in this complex world of instant communication. The world had changed enormously since I first gave the commandment to be still and know I am God. However this timeless truth is essential for the well-being of your soul. As dew refreshes grass and flowers during the stillness of the night, so My Presence revitalizes you as you sit quietly with me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

My soul has been so consumed with worry and noise, I have not allowed room for God to come in and refresh me. Every prayer has either been "woe is me" or "why are you allowing this God?"  and even in a bad moment, "I am so mad at you, God!" as well as "I want to know RIGHT NOW God!" I have not sat and said, "Here I am, Lord. Let me be still and let you wait with me, let You love me, and hold me during this time of uncertainty. Let your will be done as we wait."

I will definitely pray now for those who wait for medical tests, always, and this week i have learned how to pray. Not pray for the outcome, not pray for it to come back soon. But pray that in the waiting, the love and peace that Christ brings is felt in hearts. Pray that in the stillness of the night, God refreshes the spirit of the weary. Pray that God's will be done is the prayer spoken and felt.

So, I wait. I wait with God's love over me. I wait with God's strength as my foundation. I wait with my hope not in the results, but in God alone. I will wait in the arms of my God, who knows suffering himself.

My soul quietly waits for the True God alone, because I hope only in Him. He alone is my rock and deliverance, my citadel on a high hill; I will not be shaken. Have faith in Him in all circumstances, dear people. Open up your heart to Him; the True God shelters us in His arms. - Psalm 62:5-6, 8

Amen.

A little humor...

Sarah Lillie's Top 10 Reasons You Might Be a Medical Junkie

10. You send birthday and Christmas cards to the receptionist at your surgeon's office

9. You have a song you wrote that goes to the on-hold music at your doctor's office phone 

8. When you get taken back to your exam room, you think, "Hey, this isn't my regular room!"

7. When a new issue pops up, you have no idea which of your 5 doctors offices to call first.

6. But you don't have to look up any of those numbers because you have them all memorized.

5. When someone answers the phone at your doctor's office and they don't identify themselves, you know which receptionist you are talking to and ask them about their kid/dog/husband/lunch that day.

4. You have to explain your past medical procedures to your doctor examining you, as they are not sure what it is.

3. You can tell the nurse, "no, this vein doesn't give much, but this one in my left hand is good, but careful when you pull the needle out as I am a bleeder."

2. You find the rhythm of an MRI soothing, and you wrote a song called MRI Lullaby that you sing while you are in one... And you are thankful when the most complicated test ordered is "just an MRI".

1. In the middle of the night, you don't need to turn on your light to figure out which medicine bottle you need... You can just shake and know your pills "by sound."

If you can't laugh...

The prayers of the people

Things with my health are not good. The numbness I had experienced from a few weeks ago has now spread through most of my body. We are seeing a neurologist and they are working on performing tests (including a spinal tap) to try and diagnose what is going on. Some very scary suggestions have been given to what is going on. We are in a waiting game to get this all figured out, and frankly, it is terrifying.

In this process, I have had many people comment on how good my attitude is through all this. I do also feel a very deep sense of peace at many points of my day. I am not saying that I am perfect... I have had many times too of complete break down and many tears have been shed. But overall, I have had an okay attitude overall.

I am CONFIDENT this is not of my own doing.

I think back to the story of Esther. Esther had become queen in Persia and had received some terrifying news. News that the King was planning to kill all of her people. Her uncle told her what was happening and begged her to go to the King to stop the murder of all the Jews.

Mordecai: ¹³ Tell Esther, “Don’t be fooled. Just because you are living inside the king’s palace doesn’t mean that you out of all of the Jews will escape the carnage. You must go before your king. ¹⁴ If you stay silent during this time, deliverance for the Jews will come from somewhere, but you, my child, and all of your father’s family will die. And who knows? Perhaps you have been made queen for such a time as this.” -Esther 4:13-14

Esther was very scared to go to the King. If to we're not invited to go see the King, and you decided that you would like to speak to him, and you just showed up, you could be killed! It wasn't allowed. Only if the King found favor with you, and extended his golden scepter to you, would you life be spared. Esther knew this, and knew that one of the King's previous Queens had been killed for something arbitrary (which was what led to her becoming queen). She was terrified to try and go see the queen to convince him to not kill her and her people. But the words from Uncle, "Perhaps you have been made queen for such a time as this," encouraged her that this was what God's will was for her. So she sent these words to her uncle:

Esther: Tell Mordecai, ¹⁶ “In preparation for my audience with the king, do this: gather together all the Jews in Susa, and fast and pray for me. Intercede for me. For three days and nights, abstain from all food and drink. My maids and I will join you in this time. And after the three days, I will go in to the king and plead my people’s case, even though it means breaking the law. And if I die, then I die!”

¹⁷ Mordecai left the king’s gate and put all of Esther’s instructions into action.

The entire community of Jews surrounded Esther in prayer. They fasted for this task she was going to complete. The whole of Esther's people covered her in prayers. Prayers for strength. Prayers for courage. Prayers for the King to show His mercy. They came together and uplifted her to the greatest King.

Over the last few weeks, Bryson and I have also been lifted up and covered in the prayers of "our people." I know many people, near and far, have been praying for peace, for strength, for healing, for endurance, for insurance to quickly approve tests, for doctors to have wisdom to figure out what is going on... For many other things that I am sure I do not know about. I am positive that these prayers are what is getting me through with my "great attitude" that everyone is seeing in me. I am sure that these prayers are what are getting me out of bed every morning and not just pulling the covers up over my head and giving up.

God has not answered the prayers for complete healing yet. If some of the things that are being proposed are true, there probably won't be a complete healing that happens. Maybe there will be if it is some of the "lesser" things they think it might be (which are still pretty scary but possibly curable). But God is sustaining me like crazy right now. he is giving me a peace that passes all my understanding. He is giving me strength to make it through my days at work.

After Esther spent three days in prayer with her people, she went to the King's inner court.

5 When the third day arrived, Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the palace across from the king’s rooms. The king was sitting on his throne facing the palace entrance. ² He was pleased when he noticed Queen Esther waiting in the court. He extended his gold scepter with his hand, inviting her in. Esther walked toward him, and when she was close enough, she reached out and touched the king’s scepter.

The prayers of Esther and her people spared her life with the king. The story continues that Esther finally does ask the king to spare her people, and he grants her request (as well as executing the man who was responsible for the plot to kill the Jews). Today, there is a festival, Purim, that is celebrated through gifts of food and drink, charity to the poor, and a celebratory meal, to commemorate the way God provided for the Jews and the way God worked through Esther, who was made queen "for such a time as this".

I don't know why I have taken ill as I have. I know that maybe it will someday be made apparent, that I went through all of this medical trial for "such a time as this." Perhaps it is for people to see the way God's prayers have worked through me to show a "great attitude" while I am also scared out of my mind. Perhaps it is for some other reason that I have no idea of yet. However, I am so thankful for the prayers of my people. The prayers that are keeping me going. The prayers that are sustaining me. The prayers that are reminding me of God's faithfulness and sovereignty during this time.

Thank you for your prayers... And keep them coming.

In your everlasting arms

All the pieces of my life

From beginning to the end

I can trust you

In your never failing love

You work everything for good

God whatever comes my way

I will trust you

Hello Lord?

I woke up Monday morning, and my feet were numb. They were tingly and I didn't have much sensation in them. I thought it was weird, but kind of brushed it off.

By night time, the numbness had moved into my groin and bootie. I started getting scared. New numbness could mean something pressing on the nerves in my spine.

By Tuesday, the numbness now was in my legs. I got terrified.

All sorts of things went through my imagination. I searched on the internet. All sorts of new things started running away with my imagination. My SCS rep told me in the doctors office later, "You canNOT webMD yourself!" Probably good advice... as I had convinced myself I might have MS.

As all these fears were running through my mind, the P.E. teacher at my school posted on Facebook:

Read in Jeremiah this morning ; "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you..." What a great God that in spite of my flaws and follies he will always be faithful. What grace!

I told him thank you for posting, thank you for the reminder. Yet, I did not feel in my soul that God has always been faithful to me. In the face of fear, I did not have confidence that God would be faithful during this new trial.

I listened to a couple songs of Sara Groves on the way to the doctors office. The first song was a reminder of the verse Max had posted earlier that day.

Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine. Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways. All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. - He's Always Been Faithful

I heard the words, and again, I thought, "God, I don't feel very provided for right now. I don't feel like you are being faithful if I have to go through another back surgery." The next song said:

Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you. - Hello Lord

This one resonated a bit more. I was feeling very abondoned by God's voice today. I could not believe that after a few months of really being somewhat okay with my pain, I was back into a very scary place, where everything seemed to be falling apart again. I couldn't hear God speaking to me. I couldn't feel that it was going to "be okay."

We went to the doctor. They said there is a possibility that my nerves are just inflamed and angry from all the extra activity we did in Chicago. They put me on a steroid to help calm the nerves and reduce inflamation. If that does not work, then there might be something more wrong. There could be scar tissue pressing on the nerves. There could be another disc problem. There could be something else. I might have to have a myelogram again (those are horrid tests) since I can't have an MRI with my implant now.

I am feeling like I am coming out of the "unending shadows of death’s darkness" a little bit, and hoping that the steroids take care of it. But I am still a little scared that it won't be "that easy." It never seems to be that easy for me.

I am still having a hard time today feeling the words "He's always been faithful to me" really feel like truth. However, I find the more I tell myself, "He's always been faithful... He's always been faithful... He will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:8)... There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:38-39)... The Lord will be with us wherever we go (Josh. 1:9)... The Lord is my strength and my defense (Is. 12:2)..." the more I believe it (and the more I am thankful for my years in AWANA).

God has spoken through these verses to me. He spoke through the 30+ people who have posted on my Facebook wall that they are praying for me. He has spoken through the ways his grace and love has carried me through in the past.

I am still scared. I am still feeling a little doubtful right now of God's faithfulness. However, God is speaking to me. I may not be hearing so well right now, but I know He is there. I know He is speaking. I know He allows me to sit with him. He is telling me to wait right now. To trust. It might not "be okay." But I am trying to remember that yes, God has always been faithful to me.

Keep speaking to me, Lord. I am trying to listen.

Morning by morning new mercies I see...

I have a beautiful, amazing friend, who for the purpose of this blog, I am going to name Grace. I chose this "fake name" on purpose. My friend "Grace" is full of grace. She is the kindest, most caring, selfless person I have ever met. She gives grace and love to everyone around her. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.

Grace has a lot of health problems herself. She struggles with chronic pain and chronic conditions every day. Yet, her and her husband wanted to have a child. They struggled with becoming pregnant. There were a lot of things that pointed to her not being able to have children. But God gave her the gift of a little life inside her. But, then they found out there were a lot of complications. The baby was growing strong, but due to some mechanics of the pregnancy, she was super high risk. Grace would have to go on bedrest at about 30 weeks. Emergency C-Section at 35 or 36 weeks. This condition was very, very rare, and all the medical journals said that it never changes.

The medical journals did not realize that we have God on our side.

God gave Grace, her husband and her little miracle man another miracle. The situation changed. It was not supposed to change. Everyone said it wouldn't. In this rare, rare sitation, the change is even more rare. God's mercies and grace poured over Grace and her beautiful family.

I have another friend who I will call Hope. She had a surgery to correct her back pain about 3 years ago. Unfortuantely, her fusion cause her spine to be fused in an awkward position, that now has left her in more pain and she has had to go on permanent disability. Hope struggles to complete daily tasks like showering and putting on makeup. She has what she calls a "three-day week." If she schedules more than about 3 activities in a week, she is unable to function for days at a time due to pain flare-ups. She is currently writing a book about being in pain all the time. This week, she posted, saying, "Writing about being in pain and transitioning from able-bodied to disabled is making me sad." Hope often feels like there is little hope in her life for a miracle.

So why does Grace get a MIRACLE, and Hope is still waiting for hers?

Here is the answer: I do not know.

I don't know why Hope and I are still not healed. I do not know why Grace recieved grace from God for her and her beautiful boy. But, I think that everyone of us can cry for joy at the miracle that Grace has recieved.

I often feel some of the same discouragement I know Hope feels. My mom often tells me that she has faith that I will one day be healed. I have said often, that is it easier for me to accept the fact that I am injured and in pain, and learn to live life as my new normal of being in pain often. My mom still has hope for me. On many occasions, both Hope and Grace have expressed their hope for my life. And I have hope for Hope. And I had hope for Grace when she felt very hopeless before she recieved her news of change this week.

It is so easy to hope for others, yet so hard to hope for ourselves. We see ourselves in a very small box of what life is. We are confined by the chains of our situations, and unable to see past them. Yet others often see past our limited view and express their hope for us when we cannot.

C.S. Lewis said, "Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." There are ways that God works around us all day every day. Some of them are big ways that are easy for us to see, like Grace's miracle. Some of them are too big for us to see, that we may take for granted every day. Sometimes though, we wait for a miracle of healing, of freedom, and change; and we wait... and wait... and one doesn't come. A child gets cancer. A woman loses a child to miscarriage. An innocent man is locked up in prison for a crime he did not commit.

Adam Hamilton writes about miracles in his book Why? Making Sense of God's Will. He writes that,of course, God can do miracles. But miracles are miracles because they are rare. They don't happen every day. God works through us every day, but miracles don't come all the time. Hamilton writes, "God's primary way of working in our world is to influence us and others - giving us peace and strength, wisdome and patience - while using the natural means God created to accomplish God's purposes."

I told Hope this week, "You may not be able-bodied in every way that you used to be, but you are so much more able-spirited because of what you have gone through. Your life and testimony are an inspiration to so many people. It probably isn't the testimony you wish you could share, but you have encouraged me so much, and I hope you are able to see that purpose of your pain. It is not easy to live the calling to which you have been called, but you are amazing for answering that call every day with your encouragement and life story that you share with everyone." The way God works in her life right now is that God sustains her., and gives her life a purpose. That she is able to encourage and share her story to everyone around her. They see that she is a woman full of grace and love, and are encouraged through her struggles that God will provide for them too. Just like the song says,

Morning by morning new mercies I see! All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

When Grace told me of her miracle today, I wept tears of incredible joy. I wanted to shout and scream at the hope that is placed in my life. I wanted to share that hope and joy with everyone around me, and it wasn't even "my miracle." Grace still has a long road ahead of her that is scary and might be full of other parts that she can't see past.

Yet, I pray that in our times of darkness, of captivity, of being unable to see past the situations we find ourselves in, we are able to look at our circumstances and see the miracles written all over the pages of our lives and the lives around us. And through those miracles, see the hope that surrounds all of us during those times. There will be sorrow. There will be tears of sadness. We may never get our big miracle that we were hoping for... and I still don't know why. But I know that in our weakness, God uses his strength to work in our lives. He will not abondon us, and will use others to help foster the hope in our lives.

With "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow", I pray hope and grace and peace for you.