a rushing river

I am so blessed with an amazing job. This week, I have been 100% reaffirmed in my choice to work at a hard school, with a lot of kids who have immediate family in gangs and jail, kindergartners who cannot identify the number 2 or 5 or 8, and almost all my students living in poverty. I love my job so much.

I have been SUPER thankful that my back is not hurting nearly as much. I am able to sit on the ground with the kids again, I can stand up for long periods of time and not be in pain in my back. Praise God! I know it's not perfect, and there is still a little bit of pain, but I think that since the surgery the pain in my back has decreased about 75%.

But my legs and left foot are such a mess. They hurt all the time. And when my foot starts feeling like it's being stabbed by a billion needles at once, it is so awful. All this nerve damage is really hard during my drive and towards the end of the day, and I haven't been sleeping much because my legs hurt so bad. It is kind of controllable with medicine. The medicine makes me even more tired though. It is such a hard cycle to break. I take medicine, and feel a little better, and almost fall asleep during kindergarten music class. Or I don't take my medicine, and don't fall asleep until midnight and don't sleep well after that (have to be up at 5 now). I came home one day and told Bryson, "I love my job, but I hope my body can handle it."

I just continue to trust that God has sustained me thus far. After so much pain, he is still holding me up. He is still, through my pain, showing His grace and love through me to these kids. I was searching for some new music last night, and I found this song, River God, by Nichole Nordeman.

Sometimes raging wild

Sometimes swollen high

Never have I known this river dry.

The deepest part of you

Is where I want to stay

And feel the sharpest edges wash away.

There are times where I don't feel God right there with me. When my legs are burning and twitching in bed at night with my hips cramping up, I'm not thinking, "Oh God, I feel you in this pain!" But, I know, that through it all, I have never known this river dry. Praise God for his continued sustenance, even when it's not exactly the way we feel it. For me, it's the continued grace that God is pouring from me for these kids. How, through the roughest trials in life, do you see God sustaining you?

The Lord who made you and helps you says: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, O dear Israel, my chosen one. For I will pour out water to quench your thirst and to irrigate your parched fields. And I will pour out my Spirit on your descendants, and my blessing on your children. They will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank. - Isaiah 44:2-4 NLT