Repeat the sounding joy...

My last post reflected on words in Christmas words that have the power to bring us hope. This week I was thinking about a different Christmas song.

A few years ago, as I was dealing with my back problems and horrible chronic pain and my car getting totaled by thieves and my mother-in-law going through cancer treatment, I decided my new favorite Christmas song was Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. And it was my favorite song for this one line,

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

That one line became the mantra of my Christmas that year in 2010. I kept hoping for the next year to come so that things would get better.

Alas, 2011 came and things didn't get much better. Bryson's car got everything stolen from it, my back problems and chronic pain got worse, and I ended up having to have back surgery. But when that song came on the radio that here, I knew that it was still my song. Next year all our troubles will be miles away. 2012 would be our year, I just knew it.

2012 did bring a lot of joy, like a new job for me, being back in Colorado with our families, Bryson starting his career as a pastor. But our troubles were very far from miles away. I had two back surgeries in 2012. I was living in tremendous amounts of pain. We couldn't get things together it seemed. My Christmas season last year was spent on the couch recovering from my spinal cord stimulator surgery. Yet I still knew, when I heard that song, that this new implant would be the key. I knew that it next year our troubles would be out of sight.

And for a while there, I thought 2013 would be it. I was starting to feel better after my last surgery. We scheduled a trip to Chicago to celebrate Bryson's 30th birthday. Bryson was given the opportunity to start at a new church and preach every week, something he felt called to do. Then June hit, and all seemed to fall apart. Bryson busted up his knee, which required two surgeries. My car died, and we needed to get a new one. Then all of this new stuff hit with my health, and it just seemed to be the icing on the cake from the last three years.

This week I was bawling my eyes out talking to my friend about this simple song from the simple line, next year all our troubles would be miles away. I don't have hope for the upcoming year anymore. I don't feel like next year my troubles will be far away as were dealing with this mystery illness. I am not sure at this point, that for my health, that ever my troubles will be out of sight. I am not looking forward to 2014 as a fresh start, thinking that everything is going to be peachy keen when the clock hits midnight on January 1.

Yet another line popped into my head after that conversation with my friend. 

Repeat the sounding joy.

Repeat the sounding joy. Through the struggles, there has been much to be joyful about. My mother-in-law is back in good health. We were given the blessing of a beautiful home, and help to put furniture in it. I had help to get new cars both times the cars fell apart. When everything in Bryson's car got stolen, our church back in Longmont provided some resources to help him get a new computer so he could continue his seminary work. We have a fun, spunky, sweet puppy in our family this year. We get to spend birthdays and holidays with our family back in Colorado. I get to work with amazing kiddos each year, and hopefully provide some love in their lives every day.

Repeat the sounding joy.

Perhaps it is time to stop looking towards and hoping for our troubles to be out of sight all the time. We have dealt with a lot as a family in the last few years, yet we must look for the joy in life. Look for the joy in all of our blessings. Look for the joy in the puppy asleep on my lap, and children's smiles every day. Look for the joy in the hope and light that Advent brings. Life is full of trials and tribulations. That much is always going to be true. But instead of hoping for the better times, and waiting for those to bring and celebrate and recognize joy, I am going to try and find my joy today. Here. Now. Even through all the mess.

Repeat that sounding joy my friends.

with us...

Yesterday I went to a new, even more specialized doctor at the University Hospital. The first level of specialized doctors could not figure out what to do with me.

The doctor gave me a diagnosis of myelopathy. My understanding is this means there is something wrong in my spinal cord, probably in my neck. There are a bunch of things that fall under this category. I was not really given a treatment plan. I was told the numbness in my hands and arms is probably residual from my "episode" I had in August and  it may never go away. I was told another "episode" would be an indicator that I might have MS. But I could never have another one. 

And that is that. Not much to do, just try to manage the pain in my hands and wait to see if my whole body blows up again. Not super encouraging.

A lot of thoughts have gone through my head. Everything from, "Thank goodness, we are at the end of this investigative process" to "Is my body going to blow up again in a few weeks?" to "What does this really mean for me" to "How can I live the rest of my life with these issues and never really having something to do about it?"

I walked into the nurse's office at school after my appointment yesterday. She had written on a small sticky note on her wall, "Emmanuel... God with us." It was so simple. Just a few words on a sticky note that had been quickly scribbled down.

At this time of year we sing songs that we have sung for years. O Holy Night. Joy to the World. O Come, O Come Emmanuel. Yet we often don't stop and let the words really resonate in our souls, due to their familiarity. Think on these words... a thrill of hope. and wonders of His love. disperse thou gloomy clouds of night. Those familiar words can hold such power when we stop and think about them.

I grew up singing many songs that had the words "Emmanuel, God with us" in the lyrics. But when I saw it written down on that simple sticky note, it hit me hard. The name that was given to Jesus was "God with us". God walking with us. God sharing our pain. God WITH us. He does not leave us to walk these paths on our own. 

 

God is not healing me right now, and the possibility of living with so much limited use of my hands, vision issues, horrid pain, memory problems and incredible fatigue, not to mention the possibility still of one day waking up being numb from neck to toe again scares me. I am still trying not to think about it much, and still process (a shed some tears) when I do think about it. Yet I know God still has so much for me to do, and He is Emmanuel, God with us, and I hope that through it all I can prove the wonders of His love.

God box

My beautiful friend gave me an amazing gift for my birthday.

It is a box. And it made me cry when I got it.

It came with a book called The God Box, but I knew before I even saw the book what the box was. I helped my friend pick one out for her husband the day before their wedding. She has told me much about these boxes she has. This box is a place to put all my hopes, fears, worries, gratitude. It is a place to put all my prayers.

I was so excited when I got it. There is so muc going on right now that I could probably fill it in one night if I wrote down everything, But I had not used it yet. Every time I started to open it, a wave of fear came over me.

One of the stipulations of the God box is that once something goes in, it cannot come out. When you put it in, you are giving it to God to take care of. And there is a lot in my life right now that I just am not sure that I can really give all to God. I don't feel like I can trust Him to take care of it... I need to hold on to it.

There have been so much of this journey that I have trusted God wholeheartedly. When all my back problems started, and even at the beginning of these new trials I have gone through, I started very sure that "He's always been faithful, I trust that God will take care of this too."

But with every new test that is scheduled and no results come from it, with every new question that comes up from the lack of results, and with every "you need more surgery" (Husband this week), I have felt a little bit of that trust that I felt and a whole lot of hope seep away. And with every bit of hope and trust that I felt go away, I feel like God is farther and farther away from me.

Why would I put something in a box as a prayer to God when he keeps saying, "no" or "wait now" to every prayer that is whispered at night, that is sung every morning as I drive, that is said through sobs. Why would I symbolically put it in the box when I don't trust God to really take care of it? When I am so angry at Him for not taking care of me?

I was walking the dog tonight, which is often my time to really clear my head. My music was playing,  and Audrey Assad's Show Me song came on. The song chorus says:

Bind up these broken bone

Mercy bend and breathe me back to life

But not before you show me how to die

As I was walking, I thought, "How much more, God, do I need to be shown how to die before your mercy breathes over me?"

Apparently, a lot, if I cannot even surrender writing down a simple prayer to go in a box.

It is about surrender. And not just one moment of surrender and then all is better. Surrendering constantly. Every moment. I will probably have to write the same prayer to go in the box multiple times. I can be ok with that. I want to be able to "follow the rules" and make that one paper prayer the last time I worry about that issue. But that will not be how it is for me right now. Surrender will be a daily thing... An hourly thing... A minute by minute thing. And I think that is okay.

The end of the song says:

So let me go like a leaf upon the water

Let me brave the wild current flowing to the sea

And I will disappear into a deeper beauty

But for now just stay with me,

God, for now, just stay with me

There is a prayer in the box right now. A simple prayer of surrendering. Not even a big request like total healing of my broken body. Just a prayer for hope. But a big surrender. Surrendering my despair and trusting for hope. And for now God, before you let me disappear into a deeper beauty, as you reveal your hope to me, just stay with me. For now just stay with me.

All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all

Though sorrows like sea billows roll

Hope has been very hard to come by these days. My health just seems to be deteriorating more and more, and we struggle with the doctors office to get information, and they don't even really have that much information to give. My issues are not only affecting my hands and arms and giving me horrible problems with fatigue, but I am again experiencing intense squeezing my torso, and I have started having vision problems, especially when the fatigue really hits. The doctors cannot figure out what is wrong with me. There is just test after test, waiting after waiting, lack of results after lack of results. I am hoping to have a test this week that will look at the myelin in my nerves and how it is functioning in my body. (Insurance has approved it, but the doctors office won't call me to set it up. Yet another stress headache of this whole situation) If this doesn't show anything, or even if it does, they might send me to the multiple sclerosis clinic in Denver to have a more in-depth work up done to try and determine if in fact it is MS.

With all this going on, I feel as though the words that people have been using to comfort me have just been hollow. If I hear one more person tell me that God gives the biggest trials to the people that can handle it the most, I might scream. Even at times the words of scripture have felt empty and hollow as I search for something to make it better. Hearing that God's love covers all fear in church last week did Very little to comfort me. I couldn't feel God's love. I can't feel his comfort surrounding me. I keep searching for devotionals or scriptures that really speak to me, and I just come up empty. Even music that once brought me to tears at the awe of how God loves and works in my life isn't hitting me with the same realizations and truth that it once did. I just cannot find something to bring me hope.

I don't say all of this to make you feel bad for me or for someone to try and call me up and explain to me how God really does love me with words that they think will be new and encouraging. I say this to share my weakness, my vulnerability, my admission to sin of not trusting God. And today, that sin was really brought forth to light in the sermon that Husband preached at church today.

²⁴ The boat was in the water, some distance from land, buffeted and pushed around by waves and wind. ²⁵ Deep in the night, when He had concluded His prayers, Jesus walked out on the water to His disciples in their boat. ²⁶ The disciples saw a figure moving toward them and were terrified.

Disciple: It’s a ghost!

Another Disciple: A ghost? What will we do?

Jesus: ²⁷ Be still. It is I. You have nothing to fear.

Peter: ²⁸ Lord, if it is really You, then command me to meet You on the water.

Jesus: ²⁹ Indeed, come.

Peter stepped out of the boat onto the water and began walking toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he remembered how strong the wind was, his courage caught in his throat and he began to sink.

Peter: Master, save me!

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached for Peter and caught him.

Jesus: O you of little faith. Why did you doubt and dance back and forth between following Me and heeding fear?

³² Then Jesus and Peter climbed in the boat together, and the wind became still. ³³ And the disciples worshiped Him.

-Matthew 14:22-32

I feel like I've been trying to jump out of the boat on my own and walk on the water. But I feel like I'm sinking. Sinking fast and sinking hard. I feel like there is nothing that is going to bring me back up. If you look at the scripture, Peter was doing great when he had his eyes focused on Jesus. He was confident as he stepped out of that boat. But then it says he remembered how strong the wind and waves were around him. He let go of the truth of Christ and instead let his own fears of his circumstances be what he focused on. I, like Peter, am looking at the wind and waves all around me instead of fixing my eyes on the hope that Christ truly does bring. I am looking for things that speak to me, instead of letting the people around me and the scripture that I read speak its truth. 

The words that really hit me hard as I read this scripture in church this morning, was when Jesus says, "oh you of little faith." He is talking to me right there: "O Sarah of little faith. Stop looking at the waves of pain around you. Stop worrying about the winds of the doctors office not calling you back. Stop letting the uncertainty of the ocean surface prohibit you from trusting me. Stop doubting that I am there, and rest in the fact that I care for you. I called you out of this boat, and I am here to walk alongside of you."

Things may never get truly better for me, especially if it really is multiple sclerosis that we are looking at facing, or maybe something even worse. I know there will be many more days where the words, "Oh ye of little faith" are the words I will earn for the day. There will be many more times where I focus on the waves and the noise of my life instead of starting each day grasping Jesus' hand to walk steadily through the storm.  But, when sorrows like sea billows roll, I hope that someday I will be able to say, whatever my lot, you have taught me to say it is well with my soul. I am definitely not there yet, but this week, instead of searching for words and scriptures with my own agenda of finding hope, I will quiet my heart and listen to the words that He is speaking to me. I will step out of the boat He has called me from and trust in the hope He gives.

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos

From the chains of a lesser law You set me free

In the silence of the heart You speak

In the silence of the heart You speak

and it is there that I will know You 

and You will know me

in the silence of the heart

You speak, You speak.

-Audrey Assad

Joy in the Pit of Despair

This weekend has been a rough one on my health. I have just felt icky all weekend. My hands hurt like crazy. My squeezing in my ribs hurts a lot today. I have started getting horrid, sharp nerve pain in my legs again. I am struggling like crazy with fatigue and memory problems. I woke up this morning for the first time in awhile with the first thought that entereed my mind being, "I am so stinking tired of all this pain... I just want it to REALLY stop."

Through my back problems, playing music was such an outlet. I would process through a lot of stuff by closing the door to the study and just play the piano and guitar for hours, worshipping, reminding myself of all the promises God has given me. However, with the issues I have now with my hands, playing the piano hurts and it is very unsuccessful many times. I can't use my pinky and can barely use my ring finger. So I am playing with three fingers. My fingers physically will not go some places on the guitar. The pick slips and I can't feel it slipping, and it starts sounding weird, and I realize it has turned all the way around. I have no sense of where my fingers are unless I am looking at them, and I think, "woah! The sounds way off!" and I look down and realize my hand is 2 frets higher than it should be.

This weekend I was working on a song called, "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. The words to one of the verses said,

 

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
 

I felt it was super ironic to sing these words as I was struggling so to play the notes. This one outlet I had in my life to really feel close to God, to bask in his presence, to internalize His word and His promises is feeling like it is being stripped from me. I don't feel like whatever this is that is stripping my hands of the ability to play music is a "perfect way." I don't really feel like God is being faithful to me in feeling like I can't worship anymore.

The song goes on,

 

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.

The Bible is full of God's examples of His faithfulness to people after many struggles. Mary. Hagar. Sarah. Job. David. Abraham. Joseph. The list goes on and on.

Yet, today I am really trying to rest in the words of Paul. Paul didn't really ever just have his life just fall in to place like some of these people. He was in and out of prison. He had some sort of "thorn" he dealt with that he kept askingGod to take it away, but it seemed God never did:

⁷ To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! ⁸ I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; ⁹ and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. ¹⁰ I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

However, Paul wrote some of the most joyful passages in the Bible:

¹⁸ Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us.  - Romans 8:18

 

 ²⁸ We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan.  - Romans 8:28

 

³⁸ For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, ³⁹ height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

 

³² Instead, think back to the days after you were first enlightened and understood who Jesus was: when you endured all sorts of suffering in the name of the Lord, ³³ when people held you up for public scorn and ridicule, or when they abused your partners and companions in the faith.  ³⁵ Remember this, and do not abandon your confidence, which will lead to rich rewards. ³⁶ Simply endure, for when you have done as God requires of you, you will receive the promise. - Hebrews 10:32-33, 35-36

 

 ¹² Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always just around the corner. Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer. - Romans 12:12

and of course, the most famous passage on joy:

 

⁴ Most of all, friends, always rejoice in the Lord! I never tire of saying it: Rejoice! ⁵ Keep your gentle nature so that all people will know what it looks like to walk in His footsteps. The Lord is ever present with us. ⁶ Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. ⁷ And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One. - Philippians 4:4-7

The whole book of Philippians was thought to be written while Paul was in prison. And not the prisons like we have today... but where he may have been sitting down in a deep hole in the ground, chained to a wall, with no light or windows. Paul was really in the Pit of Despair. I think to the Princess Bride scene where Wesley finds himself in the Pit of Despair. There is no hope of escape, and all that he will know there is torture.

Yet, he did not let the Pit of Despair bring his spirits into the Pit of Despair. He still rejoiced in God's goodness. He knew that God was faithful even when his circumstances suggested otherwise. He knew the promises that God had for him and he trusted that God would provide all He needed.

Buttercup's love gets Wesley through his pit of despair in the Princess Bride. It even gives him the opportunity to only be "mostly dead" instead of losing all hope of life.

True love. This is what revives Wesley. He goes from mostly dead to full of life (even if he has to be carried the whole way in and out of the castle). God's true love revives Paul's spirits while He is in the Pit of Despair, and gives him life and joy again.

I hate that I can't play music right now. I hate that even writing this blog has been super painful on my hands. I hate that I feel like my ways of worship and reflection seem to be taken away from me. I unfortunately don't have a magic pill with a chocolate coating to make it go down easier that will transform my spirits magically to joy. But as the days go by, I hope that I can look to the way Paul approached his life in the Pit, knowing that God would set his feet upon the Rock, and he would have joy. And rest in God's true love to bring me life again, in whatever form that is.

 

Have fun storming the (joy) castle! Think it'll work? It will take a miracle!

 

²² How enduring is God’s loyal love;
the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.
²³ Here they are, every morning, new!
Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.
²⁴ Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

 - Lamentations 3:22-2

A reminder of hope

Yesterday a dear friend of mine from Missouri sent me flowers. I got home, and there was a box from 1800Flowers on my doorstep. I opened the box to beautiful lily buds. Almost none of them had bloomed yet, but I put them in the water and a vase.

When I came down this morning, a lot of the buds had started opening and blooming in beautiful colors.

When I sent my friend a thank you last night, she was disappointed in the fact that the flowers were not in bloom yet. Yet, this morning when I woke up, the blooms over the time passing was such a reminder of hope to me. Sometimes, we finish our day defeated, in pain, struggling with fatigue and sorrow. Yet, we need to remember the hope that a new day brings. Hope of fresh starts. Hope from the promise that God's mercies are new every morning. Hope that one day, we may wake up with colors more beautiful than we could ever imagine filling our lives with beauty.

Thank you dear friend, for the flowers, but also for my reminder to stay hopeful. While I may be in a time right now of waiting and sorrow, I know that soon my flower will bloom and again bring beauty and color from the pain of today.

2 Jesus leads us into a place of radical grace where we are able to celebrate the hope of experiencing God’s glory. 3And that’s not all. We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, 4which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. 5And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.

Romans 5:2-5

And I wait.

Patience is not one of my finer virtues. I have gotten a little better over the years, but overall, I don't wait well for things. I get impatient easily with people who take too long, I get frustrated when I can't get something I want right away, I make quick decisions and act on them... whether they are super great decisions or not.

I had a pastor who every week during the pastoral prayer would pray for "those who were waiting for medical tests." I thought every week that that was a nice prayer, but kind of thought it was silly to pray for it every week. I now know, it is not. I have learned a whole new level of impatience in the last week and a half... Waiting for medical tests.

10 days ago I had some pretty serious medical tests. There are some serious things they are looking for that are related to my whole body numbness I have been dealing with. I had blood drawn, a spinal tap and detailed pictures taken of my spine after dye was injected in my spinal fluid. The tests were rotten and horrid. The waiting for results is worse.

They told me about 3-4 days at the hospital... And I did speak with my doctor to hear that my spine looked fine, but the big tests we are still waiting for. So Thursday I got impatient and called to see if they had heard. No call back. So I called yesterday. They had the results! But... The doctor had not gone over them yet, and he was not in, so eve n though the tests are back, I still have to wait through the weekend.

My mind has been going crazy playing the "what-if" game, and there have been lots of tears shed. That is all added to the fact that I feel horrible most of the time due to whatever is going on. I want to get things figured out. I want a treatment plan. I want it to be fixed.

I have prayed all week, "Let the tests come back today, Lord!" Obviously the answer has been no this week. I kept praying, and praying... And yet, I heard no answer.

I did some reading on waiting this morning. Elisabeth Elliot wrote,

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: thy will be done." –Elisabeth Elliot

I have been begging all week, "Lord, just let me know what is wrong with me!" I have been so distracted all week by this looming over my head. And every moment I am not thinking about it, I am just trying to distract myself with other things: pouring myself into my teaching, immersion into the television, hanging out with family. I have tried to fill my mind with so much noise so I did not have to think about everything. 

What I have not been doing is letting God bear with me in love and patience. I have not been praying "Thy will be done." I have not been being still, and knowing that He is God. I also read in one of my devotion this week, 

Let the dew of my presence refresh your mind and heart. So many, many things vie for your attention in this complex world of instant communication. The world had changed enormously since I first gave the commandment to be still and know I am God. However this timeless truth is essential for the well-being of your soul. As dew refreshes grass and flowers during the stillness of the night, so My Presence revitalizes you as you sit quietly with me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

My soul has been so consumed with worry and noise, I have not allowed room for God to come in and refresh me. Every prayer has either been "woe is me" or "why are you allowing this God?"  and even in a bad moment, "I am so mad at you, God!" as well as "I want to know RIGHT NOW God!" I have not sat and said, "Here I am, Lord. Let me be still and let you wait with me, let You love me, and hold me during this time of uncertainty. Let your will be done as we wait."

I will definitely pray now for those who wait for medical tests, always, and this week i have learned how to pray. Not pray for the outcome, not pray for it to come back soon. But pray that in the waiting, the love and peace that Christ brings is felt in hearts. Pray that in the stillness of the night, God refreshes the spirit of the weary. Pray that God's will be done is the prayer spoken and felt.

So, I wait. I wait with God's love over me. I wait with God's strength as my foundation. I wait with my hope not in the results, but in God alone. I will wait in the arms of my God, who knows suffering himself.

My soul quietly waits for the True God alone, because I hope only in Him. He alone is my rock and deliverance, my citadel on a high hill; I will not be shaken. Have faith in Him in all circumstances, dear people. Open up your heart to Him; the True God shelters us in His arms. - Psalm 62:5-6, 8

Amen.