Our daily bread

I grew up Baptist. I learned very early on that anything high church was not really the way we did things. So when I started going to an Episcopal church in high school with a friend, all the responsive readings and reciting things was so weird to me. I HATED it. I thought, "How can anyone worship with the same routine over and over again. That isn't new and fresh. This is not worship."

HOLY TOLEDO WAS I WRONG!

I attend the Methodist church now, and while there isn't as much "high church" as there was in the Episcopal church, there are robes (which my baptist old self still wants to rebel against) and responsive readings, and, what has become one of my favorite parts of worship, the Lord's Prayer. Every week this prayer is the same. It's said every week, same words, same time of service. It could get monotonous. But it definitely has not.

As of late, there has been a line that every week almost makes me openly weep.

"Give us this day our daily bread."

Now, this may seem like a fairly simple line. Most of the people I associate with (not including the kids at my school.... Whole other issue) don't have an issue with having the daily food they need to survive. However, I am not sure this is necessarily referring to food. I heard a whole sermon series on the Lord's prayer once that was excellent (kudos to our Missouri pastor, Mitch J) and he made this point about our "daily bread" not necessarily being about food. To many of you, you might be saying "Yeah, duh Sarah." I don't think this is a mind blowing concept. But recently this line in our weekly prayer has really been getting me.

Every day is a struggle for me. The pain, the exhaustion from living in pain, the emotionality of constant pain, all the drugs... Etc.  Asking for daily bread feels like a lot. I struggle to get through many days. There is a lot that I feel like I need God to provide to get through the day. But here is the thing. He does. So many people tell me they cannot tell that I am in pain all the time. Even though days are a struggle, I am so thankful for God providing for my daily needs. I do get through my days. I do make it with a fairly joyful spirit most of the time. I do have so much support on the really bad days.

When praying every week, "give us this day our daily bread" it is a reminder of God's provision through this time. This gets me every time. Who am I, Sarah Lillie, that God chooses to provide for me and my daily bread? Thank you Lord, for my daily bread.

Living is about more than merely eating, and the body is about more than dressing up. Look at the birds in the sky. They do not store food for winter. They don't plant gardens. They do not sew or reap-and yet, they are always fed because your Heavenly Father feeds them. And you are even more precious to Him than a beautiful bird. If He looks after them, of course He will look after you. -Matthew 6:25b-26

Very patient endurance

This week was full of a couple interesting doctor appointments. On Monday we went to a doctor in Boulder, where I had an EMG to determine what nerve damage might be there. Well, there was nerve damage. Yes, I was surprised! The never was not severely damaged, but moderately. So on Wednesday I drove to Denver to see a specialist in spinal cord stimulation. He said I was a "very good candidate" for spinal cord stimulation. After some consideration, talking with my surgeon back in Kansas City, some praying... We are pursuing this option.

There is lots that will happen before the surgery would actually happen. I will have to undergo a psych evaluation I guess. We will do a trial of the stimulator where all the wires are outside me. If it works, I will then schedule a surgery. Which will be invasive. Probably at the same level if not more than my last surgeries. I am hoping to do this mid-December... If everything works out.

I am pretty conflicted about this. Very hopeful that this may fix my pain. But for crying out loud... More surgery?!?! We were supposed to go to Orlando at the beginning of January. I didn't want to take more time off work. I wish it were all easier.

I have gone back and started reading "Patient Endurance" again (Hebrews 10:36) As we keep going down this road, I am continually repeating this verse over and over again. I am hoping God continues to help me with patient endurance through yet another journey toward surgery. This hymn has been in my head today:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest fame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

i am so thankful that God is unchanging, unwavering, and steadfast in His love. I am thankful that my hope rests on Jesus.

 There is still a lot of feelings and sadness to still go through. I am sure there are many more tears to cry before it is over. And I am still not optimistic about results actually allowing me to get off medicine and reclaim the life of a healthy 27 year old.

Patient endurance.... Patience endurance... Patient endurance...

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
Hillsong - Cornerstone (includes the words of Solid Rock)

a rushing river

I am so blessed with an amazing job. This week, I have been 100% reaffirmed in my choice to work at a hard school, with a lot of kids who have immediate family in gangs and jail, kindergartners who cannot identify the number 2 or 5 or 8, and almost all my students living in poverty. I love my job so much.

I have been SUPER thankful that my back is not hurting nearly as much. I am able to sit on the ground with the kids again, I can stand up for long periods of time and not be in pain in my back. Praise God! I know it's not perfect, and there is still a little bit of pain, but I think that since the surgery the pain in my back has decreased about 75%.

But my legs and left foot are such a mess. They hurt all the time. And when my foot starts feeling like it's being stabbed by a billion needles at once, it is so awful. All this nerve damage is really hard during my drive and towards the end of the day, and I haven't been sleeping much because my legs hurt so bad. It is kind of controllable with medicine. The medicine makes me even more tired though. It is such a hard cycle to break. I take medicine, and feel a little better, and almost fall asleep during kindergarten music class. Or I don't take my medicine, and don't fall asleep until midnight and don't sleep well after that (have to be up at 5 now). I came home one day and told Bryson, "I love my job, but I hope my body can handle it."

I just continue to trust that God has sustained me thus far. After so much pain, he is still holding me up. He is still, through my pain, showing His grace and love through me to these kids. I was searching for some new music last night, and I found this song, River God, by Nichole Nordeman.

Sometimes raging wild

Sometimes swollen high

Never have I known this river dry.

The deepest part of you

Is where I want to stay

And feel the sharpest edges wash away.

There are times where I don't feel God right there with me. When my legs are burning and twitching in bed at night with my hips cramping up, I'm not thinking, "Oh God, I feel you in this pain!" But, I know, that through it all, I have never known this river dry. Praise God for his continued sustenance, even when it's not exactly the way we feel it. For me, it's the continued grace that God is pouring from me for these kids. How, through the roughest trials in life, do you see God sustaining you?

The Lord who made you and helps you says: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, O dear Israel, my chosen one. For I will pour out water to quench your thirst and to irrigate your parched fields. And I will pour out my Spirit on your descendants, and my blessing on your children. They will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank. - Isaiah 44:2-4 NLT

an annoyance

Yesterday I started PT for the possible RSD in my foot and the post-surgical back problems. Well, to help with the hyper-sensitivity in my foot, the PT has told me to have my husband brush different fabrics against my foot until I can't stand it, then stop and start over, until I become desensitized in my foot. Basically, I got a prescription for Bryson to annoy me! Ha!

new hope

Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always just around the corner. Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer. - Romans 12:12


Yesterday I talked to my surgeon in Missouri. And we went to see a surgeon in Boulder. Both of these surgeons agreed that I do not need more back surgery right now! PRAISE the LORD!

But...

The surgeon in Colorado is concerned that with all my neuropathy and problems in my foot, I might have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, or RSD. This is a fairly serious disorder, and needs to be taken care of pretty quickly if I do indeed have it (Missouri surgeon was not convinced this was my main problem, but is open to exploring it). I am still trying to figure out what this disorder means, but it is not "cureable." It can go in remission, but won't be ever all better if I do have it. So tomorrow I start more physical therapy, and will have another EMG. Both surgeons did agree that exploring the spinal cord stimulator is a likely next step if things do not improve.

This has been quite a journey, and while it is not even close to over yet, today I am seeing and feeling some hope. Hope is such a tricky thing. Many people have said to me in the last month, "I have hope for you!" If it's someone I don't know too well, I've said "Thank you." If it is someone I know well, I tell them, "I am glad you do, because mine is completely gone." Saying that I had lost hope, I was concerned that not having hope for physical healing was turning my back on God. I am not sure that was it. I think it was more just not able to find acceptance of God's answer of "No" to my physical healing. Man, finding acceptance on God's plan for your life is HARD when it no where near matches what YOUR plan for your life is. Now, having a battery operated device implanted in my spine and having a possible non-curable disease in my leg is still not any where near where my plan for my life was. But I am feeling hope, hope that God hears my prayers for healing (though it might not be what I thought it was going to be), hope that someone might be able to help, hope that I can continue with Christ by my side through this journey.

I hope that this day, this week, you find some hope in what journey you are going through too.

So we have no reason to despair. Despite the fact that our outer humanity is falling apart and decaying, our inner humanity is breathing in new life every day. You see, the short lived pains of this life are creating for us an eternal glory that does not compare to anything we know here. So we do not set our sights on the things we can see with our eyes. All of that is fleeting, it will eventually fade away. Instead, we focus on the things we cannot seem which live on and on. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

grace

Last Wednesday, I was invited by two ladies in my church to come to the yoga class our church has on Mondays.

Oh, no way. I thought. Yoga is something I did a lot of pre-injury. Something I miss dearly, along with running and swimming and biking.

"But it is extra gentle yoga!" they assured me. "I bet you could do it!"

I decided to go tonight but be very careful.

It was the most at peace and blessed I have felt in a long time.

The instructor would begin before every change of move with "If it feels right for your body..." Sometimes it did not. And I wouldn't do it. And that was fine. The word grace kept popping in my head through the whole practice. Honor where my body is on the journey right now. It's not a good place, but that place must be honored. And give myself grace for where I am today.

It did not matter that my bridge pose was less than a centimeter off the floor. And it didn't matter that my cobra pose was more of a tiny, infant baby cobra. It was a safe place, with very few people that were so loving and open and beautiful in their welcoming of me.

There are many Christians that do not believe yoga is "Christian." Today, God's grace flowed through these ladies, through this man who led the practice, and God's peace of acceptance of where I am on the journey was very present. Praise God for the blessing of this day.

Namaste.

the meds

Oh, how I long to be free from the meds. When I skip a dose, because "Oh, today I am feeling pretty okay", it is just awful by the end of the day.  I told Bryson tonight, "I HATE being dependent on meds!" We're still seeking guidance for what to do next. Hoping to have an idea about what to do by next week.

This week I went to a lecture on the "Theology of the Hymnal." Did you know that in every publication of the United Methodist Hymnal, the first hymn has always been Oh For a Thousand Tongues to Sing. I have had a friend this summer who has had such a hard time with her new baby girl, who has not yet left the NICU after about 6 weeks. As I post on her wall my prayers for her, I have recently been ending them with the phrase "We pray this in the name of Jesus, who charms our fears, and bids our sorrows cease." This is from the hymn O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing. At this lecture the other night, we sang through this hymn and this line. I wanted to burst into tears after singing this line, but I didn't think it was appropriate for the new associate pastor's wife to show that much emotion. So I quietly wiped my couple tears away, as I reveled in that line. Jesus. The name that charms our fears. With His strength, He takes our fears away. Jesus. Who bids our sorrows cease. This is not the sorrow that He wants me to be living in. What a beautiful line.

Sadly, right now my reality is living life very uncomfortably, in lots of pain, very hazy, or a combination of these three. But I am thankful for my Jesus, who charms my fears, and bids my sorrows cease.